July 2023 Horrorscopes: How You’ll Die at the Beach

Ah, the beach. What’s not to love? Sand, sun, waves…and certain death! Read on to find out how to keep your guard up when you jaunt off to the coast!

Disclaimer: As always, these are mock “horrorscopes” and should not be considered as predictive or indicative of any specific person or persons, or their demise. Including the favorite flavor of ice cream I picked for you.

Cancer (June 21—July 22). Despite their zodiac counterpart being a crab, Cancers may not be all that fond of the water. They may like to be in close proximity to it, but prefer the stability of the ground beneath their feet. Cancers will love beaches with rocky crags they can scramble over, with crashing waves that will anoint them with a salty benediction without full-on immersion into the terrifying depths. As nimble as Cancers are, though, they do risk slipping on the wet rocks and expiring from a fatal blow to the head. We All Scream for Ice Cream: Just like the craggy rocks that line the shore, crumbly chunks of chocolate cookies nestled among frothy, creamy vanilla (cookies and cream) will taste like heaven to a Cancer.

Leo (July 23—August 22). Pretty much the only thing that could lure a Leo anywhere near the water is the promise of a photo shoot. Leos might be so focused on strutting their stuff on the rented sailboat or yacht that they may forget the water all around them. This has its own risks for the flamboyant Leo, as they just might catwalk themselves right off the edge of the boat. ere’s Here’s hoping the couture Leo was bedecked in didn’t include a ton of gem-laden jewelry. This flashy feline may just sink to the bottom of the ocean before the film crew can say “That’s a wrap”. We All Scream for Ice Cream: As Leos like to make a splash, they’ll love an ice cream that will also grab the spotlight. The bright colors of rainbow sherbet will be the frosty showstopper the Leo will cherish all the way into their final afterparty.

Virgo (August 23—September 22). Virgos like to keep the ground under their feet, so while they love wading into the ocean, they’ll only go so far as they can walk. Unfortunately, Virgos also like to spend quite a bit of time in their headspace, so they may forget to be present in their bodies long enough to remember to shuffle their feet as they walk. The Virgo’s last words, however, as they expire from a reaction to the stingray’s venomous sting, is to remind them it wasn’t the poor stingray’s fault. We All Scream for Ice Cream: If Virgos broke their Spartan-like protocol to indulge in ice cream, they’d pick a flavor that also serves a practical purpose. Coffee ice cream will give them the energy boost to complete their vacay to-do list, plus it will keep them cool as they labor over their computer under the beach umbrella.

Libra (September 23—October 22). Libras are hard pressed to resist the siren call of the deep ocean. Not only will they be splashing about all day, they’ll keep swimming long into the night. And, yes, Libras will completely ignore the boundary markers past which they’re not supposed to swim. The danger to Libras is not from sharks or dolphins, per se, but in that they will swim so far out they’ll be too tired to swim back. Even that is unlikely, as Libras know how to pace themselves in the water. The danger is that the ocean may decide that it loves Libras so much it wants to claim them as their own, and embrace them with the aid of a strong undertow. We All Scream for Ice Cream: Libras will love the light buoyancy of soft serve ice cream…it’s more about the texture for this sign that yearns for balance in all things.

Scorpio (October 23—November 21). The beach is just another excuse for the vibrant Scorpio to get their party on. Whether it’s at a beach bar, or gathered with friends around a blazing fire pit on the beach, you can bet the Scorpion will be the life of the party. If they’re not careful, though, and drink copious amounts of water alongside all those daiquiris and piña coladas, they may end up as the party pooper instead as they fall prey to heat stroke. It’s a sad day for a Scorpio, even posthumously, when they have to leave the party early. We All Scream for Ice Cream: Scorpio can have their cake—in this case, ice cream—and eat it too. Rum Raisin will help stave off the heat of the sun, and Scorpio will love the boozy taste of the rum-soaked raisins that swirl through the creamy ice cream. (Seriously, though, Scorpios—drink water!)

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21). The fiery Sagittarius will do everything it can to avoid the beach. Unless, of course, the beach has a plethora of hidden coves that are rumored to once be favored by pirates. The Sagittarius will hop on the nearest boat and set off to explore these oceanside caves for hidden treasure. Sadly, though, this curious archer may encounter modern-day pirates, and their fate will be another unsolved mystery that will add to the lore of the region. We All Scream for Ice Cream: Sagittarius will love the quixotic blend of cool sweet mint with bitter dark chocolate (mint chocolate chip). Add these two contrasting flavors to rich vanilla ice cream, and they’ll have a summertime treat that marks the spot.

Capricorn (December 22—January 19). Responsible Capricorn sometimes ends up in a cyclical pattern when it comes to work and accomplishments. The more they accomplish, the more (or so they feel) they have to do. This quest to be superhuman in their abilities can sometimes be a burden, though they’ll never admit to what they may perceive as a weakness. As such, this stubborn goat may not acknowledge other purported “weaknesses” that requires the use of things like sunblock. Without it, this stubborn goat could end up spending weeks in bed, unable to do anything at all, and having other people do everything for them. If Capricorn doesn’t expire from the sunburn they acquire, such a fate could truly be considered a living death for this industrious sign. We All Scream for Ice Cream: A good, old-fashioned vanilla ice cream is Capricorn’s top preference. Real vanilla, with those little vanilla bean specks in it. No artificial flavoring for Capricorns!

Aquarius (January 20—February 18). Aquarius can be found drifting on an inflatable lounger, perfectly content to go where the tides take them. They may even fall asleep to the soothing rhythm of the waves, journeying through dream worlds as easily as they float across the surface of the ocean. Care should be taken to keep a watchful eye on the dreamy Aquarius, or they may drift out of the lives of their loved ones forever. Still, there’s a chance, however slim, that even if the Aquarius is swept out to sea, they’ll miraculously turn up unharmed a thousand miles away from the beach they were at. We All Scream for Ice Cream: No less than then the distinctive and unique Blue Moon ice cream will satisfy the adventurous palate of the Aquarius. Many of the ingredients that make up the Blue Moon ice cream are a closely guarded secret, which will make this mysterious ice cream even more appealing to the enigmatic water bearer.

Pisces (February 19—March 20). As a water sign, Pisces typically doesn’t fear the sea. They love its amorphous nature, and prefer to float around, keeping as still as possible, so as not to disturb the ocean…or its aquatic inhabitants. Unfortunately for Pisces, though, maritime creatures are drawn to the similarly oceanic vibe this sign can transmit. Delicate, airy jellyfish will be especially responsive to the sensitive energy of Pisces, and they may drift in for a loving embrace—an embrace, however well intentioned, that could have lethal consequences for this zodiac sign. Pisces will simply accept their fate, as painful as it is, since it means they have experienced the ultimate communion with the element of water. We All Scream for Ice Cream: There’s no better ice cream for a sweet and sensitive Pisces then the equally sweet and delicate Dulce de Leche, made of blended caramel and cream.

Aries (March 20—April 19). The only thing that could lure an Aries out to the beach is the promise of a competitive sport. Beach volleyball, horseshoes, building sandcastles—anything that the Aries can win at, essentially. Otherwise, they’d get bored very quickly, and may risk fines and, perhaps, even jail time for wrestling with an endangered species of shark. (Disclaimer: Do not try this at home, or at any beach, with any shark.) Somehow, though, the Aries may find themselves with a fatal injury even playing volleyball on soft beach sand, and perhaps even turning their imminent demise into a competition. (Yes, Aries, you and your team won the match.) We All Scream for Ice Cream: The ice cream that suits a tumultuous Aries best is a chaotic Rocky Road with its wacky blend of nuts, marshmallows, and chocolate ice cream.

Taurus (April 20—May 20). While earthbound Taurus may decline to get anywhere near the water, they’ll embrace the beach as a novel locale to host one of their renowned picnics. Still, the beach can be a risky place for the Taurus all the same, as they could find themselves choking on that artisan lemonade they made and dry drowning as a result. But at least the Taurus will expire with their reputation as “host/hostess with the mostest” reputation intact. We All Scream for Ice Cream: The Taurus will shun store-bought ice cream almost as much as they’ll avoid large bodies of water. They’ll only eat ice cream that they made themselves, out of unusual ingredients like basil or black pepper.

Gemini (May 21—June 20). While Geminis may be fascinated by what’s under the surface of the water, it’s more likely that this airy sign will be skating across the surface. Self-propelled boats like kayaks, canoes, and paddle boards move too slowly for quick-as-air Geminis. They’ll love the rush of a speedboat as it skips across the water, but the noise and the machinery involved creates too much of a separation between the Gemini and the elemental energy of the water. Surfboards, on the other hand…that might just be the love affair to end all love affairs. With their mutable nature that straddles both air and water, this zodiac sign will be the least likely to meet their demise at the will of a natural element. Still, surfing can be dangerous sport, and even an adaptable force of nature like a Gemini cannot escape their fate when Nature comes calling. We All Scream for Ice Cream: Geminis love change and variety, and so the trio of flavors (strawberry, vanilla, and chocolate) that make up Neapolitan ice cream may just stop this zodiac sign in their tracks. For about the 2.5 seconds it takes them to slurp down a bowl of ice cream, that is!