June 2024 Horrorscopes: Beware the Creepy Children!

It’s summer, and you know what that means, right? The children we cooped up in school for the past several months are now running amok on every sidewalk,  mall, and in every park and swimming pool across the nation. Beware these little hellions, and read on to discover how you can survive this invasion of little pitter-patter feet!

Disclaimer: These are mock horoscopes and are meant for entertainment purposes only, and are not specifically representative of any particular person or people. No grownups were harmed in the making of these horoscopes. Well, maybe.

Gemini (May 21—June 20). It probably goes without saying that innocence and evilness go hand in hand when it comes to the personality of children, no matter how young they are. And if there’s two of them; well, it’s double the trouble, for sure. Geminis will be fascinated by the mysterious manipulations of the twins Norah and Jonah Grayer as explored in David Mitchell’s Slade House. Because, let’s face it, deviltry is so much more fun with a “twin spirit” accomplice—one you know will never betray you. Let’s Play A Game!: Geminis will love the fatalistic “roll of the dice” adventures of the classic board game Mouse Trap.

Cancer (June 21—July 22). Cancer, underneath that tough carapace, is probably one of the most emotionally complex signs of the zodiac. Because of this, they are rare to judge the wide array of humyn emotion and subsequent actions, even if those actions may impact others in a negative way. This sign likes to dig deep and uncover what’s hiding beneath the surface, and is prepared to deal with what they uncover in their typical dispassionate-yet-supportive way. Zoje Stage’s Baby Teeth will definitely satisfy Cancer’s yen for both atmospheric drama and evil-infused machinations as created by the book’s cunning seven-year-old villain. Let’s Play A Game!: Since Cancers rarely hold illusions about what terrible things people can be capable of, they’ll break out the board game Clue (Cluedo). This clever crab will have figured out the room, culprit, and weapon even before any clues are revealed, making this a very short game indeed!

Leo (July 23—August 22). Leos, as consummate performers, may extend their desire to hold the limelight even into their daily lives. Sometimes, though, they may be forced to play a part by the circumstances of their lives, rather than reveal their vulnerability or a lack of status in the eyes of society. This proud lion will sympathize with the troubled youth Rynn Jacobs from Laird Koenig’s The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane. Without giving away too much of the storyline, Rynn Jacobs goes to ultimate lengths to preserve her role in a tragic masquerade. Let’s Play A Game!: Leos like to be the center of activity, and rarely take the time to sit through an extended activity like a board game. But if they did, I’m sure they’ll be partial to role-playing games like Dungeons & Dragons or Vampire: The Masquerade. Provided they can be the dungeon master, that is!

Virgo (August 23—September 22). I’m going to put the nightmarish children from Iain Banks’ The Wasp Factory under my own zodiac sign, and not just because it’s (paradoxically, because I’m an animal lover) one of my favorite books. It’s because Virgos have a tendency to be modest and unassuming, causing them to be underestimated, underappreciated, and overlooked. But Virgos have a lot more beneath the surface than at first glance (or ten!) may reveal. They are the deep wells, and equally deep thinkers, of the zodiac. I think the fantastical, the secretive, and the hidden, currents that run through the lives of the book’s youngsters Frank and Eric will hold a strange appeal to the quiet Virgos. Their superpower is, after all, the ability to dream themselves into a multitude of alter egos, even though they would never act like that on their own worst day. Let’s Play A Game!: Although they shrink from the spotlight, Virgos have a secret penchant for a good game of Charades. Unfortunately, this may turn into a party pooper event, as Virgos will pick an obscure film or book to act out, leaving the Virgo with hurt feelings that nobody guessed the one they tried to act out for their friends.

Libra (September 23—October 22). Libras, as mischievous as a water pixie, are fond of good practical joke. (That is, as long as they aren’t the recipient of said practical joke, right?) Libra’s innocent jollity will manifest itself in the prankster pair in Mary Downing Hahn’s All the Lovely Bad Ones. Kids Travis and Corey get the tables turned on them after they stage a fake haunting at their grandma’s inn, and get a little too up close and personal with a scary group of ghostly children who won’t leave them alone. Be careful who you prank, Libra! Let’s Play A Game!: Probably every Libran youth in existence had a magic kit. And, if they were of a certain generation of Libras, they also had whoopee cushions, trick gum, and that fake plastic pile of dog poop. Okay, admit it, you still love those cheesy prank items, don’t you, Libra?

Scorpio (October 23—November 21). Scorpios may push at the edges of what’s considered acceptable in mainstream society (or outright cross over the line totally) but they also have a quirky sense of honor and justice. What happens between consenting adults is one thing, but anyone who hurts nonhuman animals and children will draw a scorpion’s ire faster than a gas-lit stove. They’ll cheer on Okiku, the ghostly protagonist of Rin Chupeco’s The Girl from the Well as she enacts revenge for other children who have been murdered like she was. Let’s Play A Game!: In the days of yore, we kids had to entertain ourselves the best we could. And, yes, we had it so rough, playing with sticks, dirt, and stones over the wonder of video games and cell phones. We even had to create our own games. One of them we called “Stalker” and, being quite terrible children ourselves, involved hiding in the shadows without being seen and facing gruesome fates if we were “caught” by a friend playing a big baddie. I imagine that even a modern-day Scorpio could be lured away from the screen with the chance to engage in a similar (but probably watered-down for this more gentle era) jumpscare game with the younger members of their own immediate family.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21). Sagittarius is a down-to-earth adventurer with a touch of the mystic. While not as ethereal as Aquarius, they are still open to perceived magic of terrestrial origin. Nature in itself is not kind, and the Sagittarius may evidence a matter-of-factness about the nature of people, as akin to, well, Nature. This risks coming across as callousness, but the archer may feel that they see things as the arrow flies—direct and hitting its target with no romantic fuss. The Sagittarius may find much to relate to in the twin boys Holland and Niles from Thomas Tryon’s The Other, who are allowed to run wild in a rural country setting, and seemingly trigger a series of tragic events as a result of their unchecked impulsivity. Let’s Play A Game!: Since Sagittarius often likes going on quests, they’ll love a good game of hide-and-go-seek, or in creating their own treasure hunt map they can share with their friends.

Capricorn (December 22—January 19). Capricorn, with their extremely logical and rational mind, could be said to place personal accomplishments over those of their loved ones. They can be ruthlessly ambitious and hardworking. Yet, while this sign is very driven, they are also very loyal—as long as those they are loyal to do what they are told. You’ll find Capricorn’s youthful counterpart in the chillingly depraved, yet darkly comical, Wednesday Addams from the Addams Family cartoons. Let’s Play A Game!: The popular guess-the-word Hangman game; but be wary about playing with a Wednesday Addams type. If you guess the wrong letter, it’s almost a certainty the stakes will be high—and lethal!

Aquarius (January 20—February 18). If there were beings that wandered into this realm from another dimensions, it might be hard to differentiate them from our typically otherworldly Aquarians. This zodiac sign seems to occupy a more rarefied mental and emotional headspace than others that surround them. While their circle of friends may be large and diverse, the Aquarian will still be somewhat on the fringes of the group. While they may seem to be on the outside looking in, this also gives them a keen insight into both others as well as into complicated philosophical concepts. As Aquarians often try to employ this “higher consciousness” tendency of theirs to connect with (or influence) the society around them, they’ll be drawn to the surreal spookiness of The Children in John Wyndham’s The Midwich Cuckoos.  Let’s Play A Game!: Where some others may be superstitious, Aquarians will relish any otherworldly connections, whether sinister or benevolent, they make with the aid of an Ouija board.

Pisces (February 19—March 20). Pisces may hang onto their imaginary friends long past the time other children decide they are too old for such things. To be fair to the Pisces, they’ll know that fairies, unicorns, and even Santa Claus are simply the stuff of imaginative legends, but they’ll still cherish the illusion. Yet, when it comes to letting go of an imaginary friend, they may hold onto them in secret, as they are part of the rich inner dream worlds that Pisces needs to rely on to keep them from growing disillusioned and bitter. Where’s the harm, eh? Unless, of course, their imaginary friend is as bad of an influence as Miael is to the youngin Jessibel in Grea Alexander’s Miael: Family. Let’s Play A Game!: Games, what games? The portal to Fairyland is right over there, don’t you see it?

Aries (March 20—April 19). While Aries aren’t usually prey to romantic or fanciful notions, they’ll still embrace the occasional preconceived notion about certain lifestyles. Especially if that notion includes a rough-and-ready, hypermasculine lifestyle such as that of a sailor or a pirate. Anything that bucks the strictures of a “soft” society rates high in the Ram’s playbook. So, when the Aries encounters the similarly violent and aggressive group of youths in Yukio Mishama’s The Sailor Who Fell from Grace with the Sea, they’ll immediately want to join that gang of juvenile delinquents. Especially when they take a firm stand against the sailor that falls in love with one of the gang members’ mother. Let’s Play A Game!: Maybe get a young Aries the board game Risk. While it is about conflict and conquest, diplomacy is also a key component of the game. Perhaps a little might rub off on your wee holy terror!

Taurus (April 20—May 20). Taurus’s pick is a little dark, and that’s even with taking the fact that this is a horror-themed site. Families are inevitably families, for better or for worse. In Andrés Barba’s Such Small Hands, Marina has lost her family and is sent to an orphanage. There, she tries to form new connections with the other orphaned girls. Marina creates a game in order to be accepted into the circle of “mean girls” in the orphanage, and which relationship is dictated by the chimerical passions of this new quartet of terrible youngsters. Even the family-orientated Taurus may have to accept the horror of when familial-type bonds go too far. Let’s Play A Game!: Playing house, of course! Break out the child-sized tea sets to entertain the honored stuffed-toy guests!