May 2024 Horrorscopes: Femme Fatales

May’s set of horoscopes embrace the wonderfully wicked world of wayward women. Get ready to be outsmarted and outgunned by these fierce femme fatales!

Disclaimer: These are mock horoscopes and are meant for entertainment purposes only, and are not specifically representative of any particular person or people.

Taurus (April 20—May 20). For the Taurus, home is about much more than just a roof over their heads. It’s both a sanctuary away from the world, and a brick-and-mortar manifestation of the love they have for their family. When that illusion is shattered, and the Taurus is betrayed by their loved ones, they may be unable to imagine an existence without the warm sheltering walls of the place they invested heart and soul into making. Their bitter pain may drive them into taking drastic measures to keep the family together, even if it means forever in the afterlife. Medea’s pain at Jason’s betrayal drove her to make the ultimate sacrifice, forcing Jason to experience the torment she had undergone at his hands. The Clothes Make the Femme Fatale: As befits the Ancient Greek style, the Taurus will appreciate the draped simplicity of a comfortable fabric that also carries with it a classic elegance. Pair these robes with a vintage brooch from a thrift store, and you’ll navigate both house cleaning, grocery shopping, and premeditated murder with ease!

Gemini (May 21—June 20). While Gemini has a predilection for the mischievous, they won’t typically be drawn to the seemingly one-note personality of a femme fatale. Their dangerous diva persona has to wear multiple faces, and any crime they undertake will also have elements of creative expression in their planning and implementation. They’ll ultimately be enamored of the poignant poetic justice that follows the femme fatale Katherine “Kitty” March, who cons the struggling artist Christopher Cross by manipulating him out of the fame, money, and his own artistic talent, even after her untimely death. The Clothes Make the Femme Fatale: Geminis tend to ignore what is fashionable in favor of what is avant-garde enough to help them stand out. Still, much of what they wear is based on what (or which persona) they feel like being on that particular day. It may be hard for Geminis to cultivate the sex appeal of their femme fatale side when they are embracing the starving artist wardrobe, down to the artistically placed paint spatters across their clothing. At least this sign can fall back onto its charismatic personality to woo their next victim, even if they aren’t dressed to the sex-kitten nines.

Cancer (June 21—July 22). Cancer is anything but naïve when it comes to matters of the heart, and of the flesh. Despite the fact that some of the other zodiac signs are more brazenly depraved, Cancer may be more comfortable perched at the crossroads of good and evil. This sign intuitively knows that people are murky, complicated, and messy, and they are best able to embrace both faults and merits without any pangs of conscience or other insecurities. Cancer is able to roll the dice in hopes it will come out in their favor, but if it doesn’t, they accept their fate either way. Still, that doesn’t mean the Crab spends all its time drifting from one tide pool to the next; they’ll utilize tactics such as manipulation and deck-stacking to ensure the outcome works in their favor. Or they’ll die trying, much as femme fatale Séverine does in the Renoir film La Bête Humaine. The Clothes Make the Femme Fatale: Sensible clothes and shoes that are best suited for travel by train, and which also serve as an armor to contain the passions lurking within the human breast.

Leo (July 23—August 22). Leo’s femme fatale should be a no-brainer, and I’ll be disappointed if you don’t guess it. As you might have figured out by now, Leo’s femme fatale will be none other than the infamous Pussy Galore (the Ian Fleming book version of this villainous vixen). Like Pussy Galore, bold Leo will shine as the leading lady of her own crime syndicate of cat burglars. I imagine that Bond-hopefuls around the world would be no match for this crafty feline once they put their cunning feline smarts (and their deadly charm) to work. The Clothes Make the Femme Fatale: Unfortunately, Leo’s couture sensibilities may be at odds with the serviceable clothing needed to facilitate quick exits after a big heist. However, Leo could liven up the look by sprucing up that utilitarian catsuit with some dazzling purloined jewelry.

Virgo (August 23—September 22). Within the prim exterior of a Virgo is a wild child just waiting to break free. In their most private daydreams, they long for an adventurous life outside of their typical mundane, service-orientated existence. You’ll find Virgo secretly poring over magazines that showcase rich and famous celebrities, or sighing over the luxurious palaces of days gone by. Chance may just bring the Virgo the upscale life of their dreams, but, like their femme fatale counterpart, Jane Palmer (Too Late for Tears), living in the lap of luxury may come with a terrible price. Yet, the conscientious Virgo, even as a Jane Palmer-esque femme fatale, will take a strange sort of comfort in knowing that the scales of justice will eventually balance out in the end. The Clothes Make the Femme Fatale: Whether wearing a conservative dress suit or a posh silk gown, you can bet the Virgo femme fatale’s outfit will be perfectly pressed (with sharp-as-a-dagger creases) and immaculately clean—even after committing a violent murder. Not even in the heat of passion will a Virgo let a single hair fall out of place.

Libra (September 23—October 22). Libra, perhaps, views the femme fatale as a way to balance the scales, and they lean towards viewing the crimes they commit as a means to bring justice to an unequal situation. Libras reserve judgment until they hear all the sides of the story, and they’ll embrace femme fatales (and their supporting cast) who they perceive are the deliverers of said retributive justice. They’ll especially relish the example set by Daphne Monet, and they’ll find themselves cheering on her and Easy Rawlins in the Devil in the Blue Dress. The Libra’s favorite femme fatales, overall, may bend the rules of so-called morality, but this sign will still be hoping the underdog (even if they are nefarious criminal underdogs) to come out on top. This thoughtful noir film will appease Libra’s wish for justice as well as non-punitive resolution for those noble lawbreakers. The Clothes Make the Femme Fatale: A 1940s-style, sultry blue dress, what else?

Scorpio (October 23—November 21). There is no middle-of-the-road femme fatale-ing with a Scorpio, as opposed to the Cancerian approach. Scorpio will exploit any situation to stay ahead of the game. This cutthroat tendency, coupled with a keen intellect, will ensure they win 99.9% percent of the time. Okay, that’s false—make that 100% of the time. It’s not a good idea to match wits with Scorpio, so anyone that becomes involved with this sign better hope they stay in their good graces. If that’s even possible. Their cinematic femme fatale counterpart Bridget Gregory would say otherwise. Not that she is hapless enough to confess to anything, of course. And, yes, she also wins the game in the movie The Last Seduction. The Clothes Make the Femme Fatale: Shoulder pads, sexy? Of course they are—if a Scorpio is wearing them, that is! Besides, it’s a fact that they more conservative one dresses, the easier it is to get away with murder. Right?

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21). The biggest danger to a Sagittarius is boredom, pure and simple. This eternally curious sign will do anything to stave off mundane complacency, including committing a wide variety of terrible and twisted crimes. Clever Sagittarius might just get away with it, even. But if they’re as wealthy and successful as their femme fatale counterpart, Catherine Trammell from Basic Instinct, it certainly won’t hurt their case either. Just as long they make sure they have the perfect getaway plan in case the jury rules against them. Either situation is a win-win for the restless Sagittarius, as a life on the lam will only heighten their sense of adventure. The Clothes Make the Femme Fatale: Nothing will sell a femme fatale Sag’s innocence than outfits that project a cool, effortless elegance. Though they may want to sacrifice a bit of that posh style in exchange for pockets—pockets deep enough to tuck away the icepack that is their favorite weapon of choice.

Capricorn (December 22—January 19). Capricorn is driven by logic, yet oftentimes their unemotional logical reasoning may not always gibe with the rules as imposed by society. While they will not act on impulse or from a habitual criminal mindset, they may coolly assess the situation and come up with a solution that solves the problem—even if it means, oh, things like murder or blackmail, for example. Their cool reasoning may convince their partner-in-crime that it’s the best decision to make under the circumstance, but end up drawing their loved one deeper and deeper into a situation from which there is no easy exit. The femme fatale Kathie Moffat from the movie Out of the Past could be said to operate from a similar Capricorn sense of logic, drawing in her lover Jeff Bailey as her seeming accomplice to the crimes she herself commits. Unfortunately, Kathie Moffat’s logical orchestrations are not enough to save her, and she is forced to respond emotionally as a last resort. The Clothes Make the Femme Fatale: The Capricorn femme fatale is fond of an impeccably tailored coat, while lurking underneath a similarly tailored dress suit may be a saucy and daring negligee perfect for seducing their unwary target.

Aquarius (January 20—February 18). Aquarius is probably one of the zodiac signs best suited to the unconventional persona of a femme fatale. Since this is a sign whose motives may always be inscrutable, rumors and stories will abound about this mysterious character. The Aquarius will invariably be linked to a character whose possible femme fatale-ness is shrouded by the mists of history—perhaps simply by the virtue of (or unvirtueness) of being a powerful, determined, and independent woman who lived life on her terms. Like many other strong women throughout history, Lucrezia Borgia was thought to have committed an array of nefarious acts on her journey to power, though this has never been fully substantiated.  The Clothes Make the Femme Fatale: Long dresses of luxuriously decorated material, although in a rare painting purported to be of Lucrezia Borgia, she is wearing black clothing with white inset that almost resembles a priest’s clothing: https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2008/nov/25/portrait-lucrezia-borgia-australia.

Pisces (February 19—March 20). Pisces ideally wants the simple things in life: to be nurtured, to be pampered, and to feel they will always be cared for and looked after. If they don’t get what they want, however, the Pisces’ inner femme fatale will emerge from the depths. If this happens, it’s best not to continue swimming around the deep end of Pisces’ mercurial nature. Unless a Pisces learns to be satisfied with what they carry within, they may end up sucked into the whirlpool of consumerism as a way to achieve contentment and satisfaction in life. It’ll be the lucky Pisces that can splash around in pools of great wealth, but without it? Even this water sign might be at risk of drowning. The Piscean femme fatale enemy, in this case, may not be another person(s), but themselves. This sign may encounter its alter ego swimming through the movie Mildred Pierce, and impressionable Pisces risks being lured in by the siren call of Veda Pierce’s skillful machinations that lead to greater and greater financial security. The Clothes Make the Femme Fatale: Speaking of shoulder pads, they definitely have a role of their own in Mildred Pierce, but luckily for the Pisces, Veda’s one possible redeeming quality is that she eschews them for gowns of shimmering silk that are sure to appeal to this water sign’s mermaid side.

Aries (March 20—April 19). What better representation for Aries than the ferocious Ginger from the movie Ginger Snaps? While the werewolf Ginger prefers direct confrontation over the devious manipulation and deceit typically employed by a femme fatale, she certainly doesn’t hesitate to turn on the sultry vamp charm to lure in her victims. In the end, though, it’s Ginger’s wolfish side that wins out even over a familial bond, with tragic results for both her and her sister Brigette. The Clothes Make the Femme Fatale: While the Aries might find a way to similarly make gothic urchin sexy, they’ll also want practicality as part of their wardrobe. Skintight clothing allows for more freedom of movement during those animalistic brawls this femme fatale finds themselves in the middle of. Who says you need to sacrifice fashion for utility, right? Plus, black is perfect for hiding those pesky bloodstains, anyway!