October 2023 Horrorscopes: How You’ll Die in a Theatre

Autumn is upon us, in all its dramatic glory…and so is the Fall theatre season! Read through your zodiacal script to discover how you’ll bring down the house—for good!

Disclaimer: These are mock “horrorscopes” and the roles I assign to each sign should not be considered as typecasting, commentary on specific person’s character, or predictive or indicative of an individual’s demise. And always remember—the show will go on, with or without you!

Libra (September 23—October 22). Unless the play has a lot a movement or action, Libras might find it hard to focus on their performance. They’ll be drawn to more effervescent musicals, and their tumultuous energy may simply wear out their body over time. They might drop dead in the middle of a particularly energetic tap number, or face a more gruesome demise at the hands of some malfunctioning tech equipment. Or there’s always the old standby…a trap suddenly giving way underneath them as they prance and flutter across the stage. The Final Act: Prospero in The Tempest.

Scorpio (October 23—November 21). Scorpios are the wild childs of the theatre world. They’ll love to explore the gamut of emotions through the characters they portray but the real draw is the chance to live a nonconformist lifestyle. The theatre staff will often find the Scorpio actor passed out in the green room when they arrive in the morning. They might even have a person in charge of the overindulgent Scorpio, responsible for getting them on their feet, and perhaps over to a local diner for sustenance and coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. Somehow, the Scorpio always manages to pull off the most glittering, sparkling performances, earning rave reviews from the critics, who never see them the morning after, of course. Sadly, it’s a given for this free spirit that one day, there won’t be a “morning after”. But you can bet their spirit will linger, playing pranks on the crew and the actors that became the only family the Scorpio could live with. The Final Act: Either Marquise de Merteuil or the Vicomte de Valmont in Les Liaisons dangereuses.

A family member as the Marquise de Merteuil. (used with permission)

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21). The thespian Sagittarius is in a state of perpetual questing. They see acting as a higher calling, and they are always taking workshops, reading up on the latest approaches to the acting profession, and constantly reevaluating their own performances. If the Sagittarius descended to such a level, they might be their own harshest critic, but they reserve that for the actual critics. They’ll be endlessly seeking different perspectives, and they might even get in the habit of (secretly) scaling the lighting trusses to view rehearsals. At least, until they slip and fall from their precarious perch—hopefully without landing on any of the other actors. The Final Act: Valvert in Les Misérables.

Capricorn (December 22—January 19). You’ll always be “ready for [your] close-up”, Capricorn. You’re the consummate professional; you never miss a cue, you never forget a line, and you never have a wardrobe malfunction. You even know the best way to direct a play. (The problem is that you’re not actually the director.) But perhaps you shouldn’t be so routinely perfect. Standing in exactly the same spot to deliver your line in Act Three, Scene Two (down to the centimeter) makes it easy for a resentful castmate to loosen the stage light right above you. Unfortunately, you’ll be lamenting in the wings for the rest of your afterlife about how you should have been in charge. No accidents would have happened under your direction. Right? The Final Act: Beatrice Hunsdorfer in The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds.

Aquarius (January 20—February 18). Aquarius, although they may have a specially curated blend of spiritual and religious beliefs, is open to anything of that nature. They’ll have special rituals they’ll perform as they enter into the theatre, and even more before they appear on stage. And that’s above and beyond all the typical theatre superstitions most actors adhere to. (Right now you’re thinking of the Scottish play, aren’t you?) As they move fluidly through both the physical and the spiritual worlds, they also easily traverse the creative theatrical world. They may be more stoic and controlled than their flamboyant actor friends, but they are no less dedicated to the art of creative expression. The Final Act: Jesus in Jesus Christ Superstar or Joseph in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Pisces (February 19—March 20). Pisces loves the imaginary worlds that play out on the stage—the more fantastical, the better.  Everything has to be evocative of the world of the script. They need to touch it, breathe it, feel it. They need the world-building background that stage sets provide and they would rather die than be in front of a green screen. The magical world that takes place in green rooms is just as precious to sensitive Pisces. As actors, they’ll need to be nurtured, otherwise their performance will suffer. Pisces can weather the barbs of the harshest critic, but one thoughtless word, or cruel glance, from their theatrical family, risks destroying this fragile artist. They may not just walk off the set, but walk out of their lives, forever. The Final Act: Seymour Krelborn in The Little Shop of Horrors.

Aries (March 20—April 19). Aries’ volatile emotions will be honed with laser precision in the circumspect world of the stage. Outside of the theatre, they’re all brawls and punches, but inside, they’ll wield a rapier made of words and inflections. They’ll be drawn to plays that focus on the grittier, raw, and more primal side of human emotion. The Aries will have such a sharp, scathing tongue even in the dressing rooms as they’ll be dedicated to remaining in character. Which, as you can imagine, won’t earn them many friends among the cast. Aries should be careful whom they go drinking with after the show. They may find their drink spiked with what may prove to be a lethal substance. (They shouldn’t have “depended on the kindness of strangers”, or even their friends, right?) The Final Act: Blanche DuBois in A Streetcar Named Desire.

A family member as Blanche DuBois. (used with permission)

A family member as Blanche DuBois. (used with permission)













Taurus (April 20—May 20). The Taurian actor is the hub of the theatre family. They’ll be the one to help zip up your costume during a quick change. The Taurus will always have the best opening night gifts, and host the most stylish end-of-show party. The Taurus is the gracious actor that everyone wants to work with, as they are not only talented, they love to share their skill with younger actors and even amateur actors. They often pull double duty as both director and actor in the show. The downside is that the Taurus is so charming both on stage and off, that a fan may mistake their gracious social skills as sincere interest and become obsessed with them. No matter how gently the Taurus lets down the enamoured fan, the possibility is likely that the fan will decide that if they can’t have the Taurus, no one can. The Final Act: William “Willy” Lopez in Death of a Salesman.

Gemini (May 21—June 20). Geminis will steal the show in performances where they can play multiple characters, or characters with more than one side to their personality. Even off the stage, Geminis will be just as unpredictable, and their theatre colleagues may tire of this sign’s continued dramatics. By the time that happens, though, Geminis may have moved on to different venues. However, if they stick around, they could be cursed by way of their own curiosity, such indulging in an interest to wire up the lighting system or start building the set. And, given that Geminis are not fond of following directions or diagrams, it’s definitely a scenario for a tragic play. The Final Act: Mungojerrie AND Rumpleteazer in Cats or Reno Sweeney in Anything Goes.

Cancer (June 21—July 22).  Cancers will immerse themselves in roles that explore the messy contradictions of human relationships. Their own relationships will be just as dramatic and messy, and it may not be limited to just one, or one long-term, happily-ever-after relationship. Some might even only last as long as a show run. Cancer is not only skilled at the intricacies of performance, they are skilled at managing their love affairs as well. However, that doesn’t mean that jealousy won’t rear its ugly head behind the scenes, and the Cancer may pay the ultimate price. Although, it’s just as likely that their passions will win out, and they’ll be the one left still standing. The Final Act: Amanda Prynne or Elyot Chase in Private Lives.

A family member as Amanda Prynne in Private Lives. (used with permission)

Leo (July 23—August 22). Oh, Leo. The good news is that the Leo will always be cast in the starring roles. But if they don’t, Leos will have to fight the temptation to upstage the lead in the play. Perhaps as part of their warm-up exercises, they should repeat Stanislavski’s mantra “There are no small parts, only small actors.” Else they may find themselves pushed out of the spotlight and into the orchestra pit. It’s a suitably dramatic death, sure, but just imagine if their “small role” having to be filled by an understudy. The horror would be enough to bring the showboat Leo back from the dead! The Final Act: Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard.

Virgo (August 23—September 22). Although Virgo is eminently practical and (over)analytical, the Virgo performer is also able to project their innate innocence and unworldliness into their roles. They may be quiet and not as attention grabbing as their other thespian peers, but they are hard workers and can always be counted on to show up on time. Or, more likely, an hour ahead of the curtain call, busily flipping through the pages of the script, making sure they have their lines down verbatim. Course, all this furious paper flipping could result in a paper cut, which, because Virgo rarely takes the time out for self care, may end up being infected. And, since Virgo is also too frugal to go to the doctor; well, as they say in the business, that’s a wrap! The Final Act: Elwood P. Dowd in Harvey.

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