April 2024 Horrorscopes: The Timeless Nature of…Vampires!

Vampires have always had a hold on people’s imagination for better or for worse, but they seem to be having a resurgence of interest lately. (Remember the 90s-era fascination with all things vampire?). In honor of the release of the movie Abigail this month, I’ve paired each sign with their fictional vampire counterpart. Hope your Spring season is chock-full of rainy, moody days that are perfect for writing your own creepy bloodsucker tales! (Info about the movie Abigail here: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt27489557/).

Disclaimer: These are mock horoscopes and are meant for entertainment purposes only, and are not specifically representative of any particular/actual person or people.

Aries (March 20—April 19). Aggressive-Aries-turned-vampire has a taste for brawling as well as for blood. Their fictional role model is, of course, the half-vampire Frank Blade (Eric Cross Brooks) from the Marvel Comics books. It remains to be seen, however, which side this fractious Ram will take—joining forces with the vampire hunters against their own kind, or teaming up with other vampires in an epic battle for world domination. Either way, there will be copious amounts of blood spilt (pun intended). A Dish as Old as Time: Three guesses as to which regional (and historic) cuisine Blade will sup on when not imbibing blood. Yep, you got it…blood (aka black) pudding!  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_pudding

Marvel Comics Website: https://www.marvel.com/characters/blade-eric-brooks

 

Taurus (April 20—May 20). While the Taurian heart may cease beating after they become a vampire, they’ll still hold a special spot there for a place called home. Even an extended immortal lifespan cannot tarnish the appeal of their long-term residence of choice. The vampire Gilda (from Jewelle Gomez’s The Gilda Stories) is a perfect match for the Taurus in that the concept of home is not only safe and comforting, but sexy as well. A Dish as Old as Time: The Taurus vampire may relish dishes with a lot of seasoning and spice to enliven their hundred-plus-year-old palate, and go for a big bowl of New Orleans gumbo or jambalaya.

Author Website: http://jewellegomez.com/

 

Gemini (May 21—June 20). Geminis love to mash up elements that are seemingly at cross purposes with each other, turning any and all tropes on their head. If they do succumb to a vampire bite, and transform into one of the undead, they’ll hope become a vampire that ignores the status quo. One such role model would be the unconventional “cute and fuzzy” vampire, Bunnicula, from the book written by Deborah and James Howe (sequel Bunnicula books by James Howe). A Dish as Old as Time: Gemini’s mouth will water (or pucker) at the promise of a borscht soup made with beets. While not as old as some of its borscht ancestors, the blood-red hue of the soup can add to the Gemini vampire’s gruesome reputation even when not dining on one of their hapless victims.

Authors’ Links: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/163577.Deborah_Howe and https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/51424.James_Howe

 

Cancer (June 21—July 22). A Cancerian vampire runs the risk of turning into a creature that is even more moody and brooding as its original self was. It’s perhaps the zodiacal sign that best fits the traditional image of the vampire—the one lurking about in dark alleys, on misty moors, or in shadowy Gothic castles. But how does an old-school vampire fit in with modern-day society? Why, by joining in all the fun! A Cancerian vampire will do its best to shake off the blues by emulating the example set by Lestat de Lioncourt in Anne Rice’s The Queen of the Damned, taking a public center stage as a vampire and starting a band. A Dish as Old as Time: Like Lestat and his elite upbringing, Cancerian vampires will also expect the best on their table; whether it’s a blue blood socialite or a French dish with a royal heritage, like la bouchée à la reine (https://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bouch%C3%A9e_%C3%A0_la_reine).

Author Link: https://www.annerice.com/

 

Leo (July 23—August 22). Leos strike the fantastic balance between the outrageous and the trend-setting—even after hundreds, or thousands, of years as a vampire vixen. Still, it’ll take a lot more to excite this dynamic personality as the years wear on and, while they will always have impeccable taste, it may veer off into a more campy style of elegance. Enter their new vamp persona(s)—either (or both!) La Condessa/Magda Legerdemaine or Madelaine Astarte/Madelaine Andrews from the Charles Busch play Vampire Lesbians of Sodom will be quirky enough to set the vampire Leo on the prowl after the show ends. Leos, however inappropriately it may seem, like to play with their food before eating it, and Leo vampires are no exception. In this case, the “play” involved treating their victim to a decadent feast evocative of, say, the 1920s. A Dish as Old as Time: Leo’s “fit for a king” feast will almost certainly include the popular 1920s dish “Chicken à la king”.

Author/Playwright Website:  https://www.charlesbusch.com/vampire-lesbians-of-sodom

 

Virgo (August 23—September 22). Even the most powerful vampires are slow to trust, and the guarded Virgo is no exception. Deep inside, though, they are wishing for someone to recognize how extraordinary they are underneath their well-used, tarnished armor. And, since Virgos are often drawn to nonhuman animals over people, the perfect vampire doppelganger for Virgo would be Atl from Silvia Moreno-Garcia’s Certain Dark Things, if for no other reason than that she has a dog as a BFF. Dish as Old as Time: When they’re not slurping up the necessary blood, Virgo vampires are typically vegetarian. As a result, traditional dishes like tamales made with beans and an array of scrumptious vegetables are a tempting alternative in between victims.

Author Website: https://silviamoreno-garcia.com/

 

Libra (September 23—October 22). For Libra, I’m going to put in a bit of a poetic interpretation to a classic tale about vampires. I think the Libra, despite the tragic end, would appreciate the fate of the vampire in Carmilla in a strange way. (Spoiler Alert!) In addition to being a tale that has feminist overtones, as well as a unusually (for the era) progressive treatment of a lesbian relationship, the vampire Carmilla’s  ashes are thrown into a river. Given how much a Libra is drawn to water, they could also envision that, if they became this fictional vampire, their spirit not only ran through all the waters of the world, but could always be near their beloved soulmate Laura. They would still be immortal, despite their tragic death. A Dish as Old as Time: Libra, in keeping with their desire to maintain a balanced, perhaps slightly predictable existence, may yearn for the comfort foods of her native Styria. It will become a ritual, perhaps to cleanse their palate of the prior evening’s blood feasting, to have a breakfast of Steirischer Heidensterz  just before daybreak. https://www.tasteatlas.com/steirischer-heidensterz and https://fusionfood.ai/recipe/steirischer-heidensterz–austrian-cuisine/5cc9bd12-2c25-438b-8b9d-bb2f5e39806d

Carmilla Link: https://www.gutenberg.org/files/10007/10007-h/10007-h.htm

 

Scorpio (October 23—November 21). What better for a roguish zodiac sign than, well, a rogue? For our naughty Scorpio, I picked a seemingly duplicitous, definitely mysterious, rogue from Baldur’s Gate III, Astarion Ancunín. I mean, come on, what could be more tantalizingly deviant than a vampire who’s both a high elf AND a rogue? Talk about a dish—or he would be, if you weren’t actually his next “dish”! A Dish as Old as Time: As a high elf, I’m assuming Astarion would eat very small meals—meals that were even smaller in portion after becoming a vampire, and only because it’s a delicacy that he couldn’t resist. I imagine that our aristocratic elf would love to nibble on any of the various forms of French toast that have been present throughout history. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_toast

Baldur’s Gate III Website: https://baldursgate3.game/

 

 Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21). Your vampire alter ego is none other than the adventurous Christian Brookwater from the Steven Van Patten novels. Like a true Sagittarius, vampire Christian Brookwater is the quintessential warrior-slash-philosopher. Being a vampire hasn’t taken away this archer’s deep sense of loyalty, which sometimes comes up against this sign’s firm belief in doing what they feel is right and honorable. A Dish as Old as Time: Even as an immortal, the Sagittarius still prizes health above all else, and their go-to meal is a fortifying cup of miso soup. https://www.miso.or.jp/misoonline/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/miso-english-leaflet.pdf

Author Website: https://brookwaterscurse.com/

 

Capricorn (December 22—January 19). Capricorns tend to appear blunt, brusque, and rational to the point of appearing cold-hearted and unfeeling. Still, buried deep beneath all that rational reasoning and cold logic is a pool of feeling—mainly for their nearest and dearest. This sign will do what is necessary to take care of their loved ones, even if they don’t wear their heart on their sleeve. Couple that with the ice-cold power of vampirism, and you pretty much have an unstoppable force of nature. Take Thomas Raith, Harry Dresden’s half brother from the Dresden Files series, a vampire who adopted a fake persona and operated a hair salon as a way to earn money, and who also never hesitates to protect his loved ones with his brawn as well as with his professional skills. A Dish as Old as Time: A Chicago-style hot dog, what else? Even better that it can be eaten on the run…while chasing after your next real meal! https://www.chicagojournal.com/the-definitive-chicago-style-hot-dog-recipe/

Author Website: https://www.jim-butcher.com/

 

Aquarius (January 20—February 18). Aquarians love story-telling. Fables, myths, oral history, diaries of people from throughout history—all of these are potentially preferable to talking to people on a daily basis. In these stories, the Aquarian really feels like they get to know people, and people’s culture, in a way that’s not available through surface small talk. As the Aquarian vampire watches the decades, and even centuries, pass, the opportunities to explore these stories expands. This sign may be a little frustrated by the birth of the internet, where these stories are as fleeting as the viral popularity that captures them, and they may travel around with a recorder themselves, hoping to capture the spirit of the time they are currently living through. Like a Pisces, an Aquarian’s life, even as an immortal vampire, is interesting enough not to model themselves after a fictional or purportedly real vampire. They prefer to look outward instead of inward, and the diary-like style of the Saga of Darren Shan books appeal to this vampire adventurer’s spirit. A Dish as Old as Time: Funnel cakes or candy floss, maybe?

Author Website: https://darrenshan.com/ 

 

Pisces (February 19—March 20). For Pisces, love is all. Yet even a Pisces can realize that the price love demands is too much. And a Pisces vampire is even more supremely placed to navigate the complex waters of relationships, and realizes that there is never a simple solution when the murky depths of emotions are involved. Pisces were old souls even before they became vampires and they’ll never tire of the opportunity to live vicariously through other vampires’ journeys, even fictional literary ones. To them, immortality is a chance to experience the million and one dimensions of the range of human emotion. If they could choose, a Pisces would pass on just being confined to one vampire counterpart, preferring instead to be mutable in their persona adoption. They’ll take their “emotional wishlist” cues from the characters in books like The Promise Keepers by L. Marie Wood, and use their vampiric charms to fall in love, and be loved, with both their vampire comrades as well as their victims in a multitude of ways. A Dish as Old as Time: Bagels, pizza, pasta, deli sandwiches, Manhattan clam chowder—the NYC culinary possibilities are as endless as the range of human emotion.

Author Website: https://lmariewood.com/