September 2022 Horoscopes: Where Are All Our Work Automatons?!?!

These days, it seems, even the industrious Virgo is loath to return to work. And, with last month’s tarot card fictional look into the end times on top of the real-life continued horror of the pandemic, who can blame them? So, let’s launch an appropriately horror-filled celebration of Labor/Labour Day (United States/Canada) with September’s batch of horoscopes. Read on to find out how each horoscope sign is most likely to kick the bucket at work!

(What better time to form that labor-free utopian community, right? Embrace the Age of Automatons!)

Disclaimer: Although I am dangerously “sitting still” in order to create these mock horoscopes, please note that they are completely fictional, made up, a figment of my imagination, and are for entertainment purposes only. They aren’t meant to actually represent any particular person, workplace, company, workforce, scientific practice, nonhuman animal, plant, extraterrestrial life form, or even the actual horoscope sign. I did, however, research common workplace-related deaths on the National Occupational Safety and Health website, but any errors in the horoscopes are the fault of me and my research.

                                                        

Virgo (August 23—September 22). While Virgos are extremely hard-working, they do spend a lot of time weighing the pros and cons of their employment possibilities. When examined with Virgo’s laser-keen analysis, jobs with high-risk factors will not pass Virgoan muster. At least, not high-risk jobs that don’t come with a higher purpose. So, while you might find the Virgo in a field such as nursing, that same sensitive side may make them disenchanted with the human race. Eventually, they’ll settle into a job where they can nurture plants in a nursery, or tend to the well-being of animals as a kennel manager, animal shelter worker, or even as a zookeeper. As responsible as Virgo is, it’s not really their fault if their co-workers aren’t. So, when Freddy the tiger is a little grumpy at not being fed by the night shift, the mauled Virgo’s last words would be definitely be a plea to spare the tiger’s life. Wild animals belong in a protected sanctuary, not a zoo, after all, right? What they should do instead: Join an animal liberation group. Or put that detail-orientated mind to work at a DNA collection bank that strives to preserve the genetic legacy of nonhuman animals that are endangered or have gone extinct.

Libra (September 23—October 22). Unfortunately for the Libra, this sign has a tendency to be more day-dreamy than practical. While this character trait is perfect in an artistic career, it’s not so good on a construction site or in some other manual labor field. At the very least, Libra’s co-workers shouldn’t rely on the Libra to hold the ladder for them, as this airy sign will be distracted by the butterfly that is taking a flittering detour through the building site. This might not be such a big issue when the Libra is at ground level, but they should beware rooftops, scaffolding, I-Beams, and even power tools of all kinds. Especially nail guns and table saws. As Libra’s site boss, be prepared for the contingency that there is no amount of day-glo caution tape that can alert the Libra to the open manhole cover right in front of them. Good thing the Libra listened, at least, when the company urged them to take out that life insurance policy, right? What they should do instead: Go old-school. Build houses with no power tools whatsoever. One-level, off-the-grid houses—out of hay bales, adobe, or one-at-a-time sun-dried bricks made from clay from the local riverbank. They’ll be the most successful person in post-apocalyptic times at least, with plenty of time to daydream—and watch butterflies, of course!

Scorpio (October 23—November 21). While it could be said that the Scorpio loves playing with fire, they also have a healthy respect for that mercurial element. As a result, electricity may be drawn to this Scorpio, but as water (signs) and electricity aren’t a good mix, expect sparks to fly! Particular attention should be paid to wiring, extension cords, and electrical outlets in order to determine that they are in good working order. The job site should also be carefully inspected to ensure it’s free from any sort of spilled liquid, and if there’s even the slightest hint of a dark storm cloud in the sky, work should be canceled for the day. Or, at the very least, the Scorpio worker should be sent on errands: donut run, coffee run, lunch run, or off to the hardware store to get materials. Despite all these precautions, that old saying will probably hold true in regards to Scorpio: lightning really does strike twice! What they should do instead: Install solar panels on structures in the most arid desert locations around the world. Start innovative water reclamation projects around the world, to offset the current climate-change drought conditions.

 Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21). Adventurous Sagittarius may be lured by jobs that take them to unusual locales. They’ll jump onto a fishing trawler, or decide to take on a job as a flight attendant. Just as suddenly, they may join a logging crew in some country they’ve always wanted to visit. As confident as they are adventurous, Sagittarians may feel they are invincible, after a series of near misses. They narrowly escape falling overboard on the commercial fishing trawler, or that tree that fell the wrong way will miss them by inches. Yet, this sign can also be as practical as the Virgo, and they may discount risks like exposure to radiation from frequent air travel as nonsense. However, the archer’s luck can only hold out for so long, and, sooner or later, Nature’s retaliatory arrow might find its mark. What they should do instead: Adopt a more sustainable lifestyle and lighten their carbon footprint. Consider becoming a vegetarian/vegan. Join an organization that takes to the seas to protect marine life such as whales. Who says luck can’t change the world?

Capricorn (December 22—January 19). Virgos may be industrious, but they have nothing on Capricorns. This dedicated and persistent ram will almost appear superhuman in the tasks it accomplishes on the work site. Very few workers can keep up with the pace, and, pretty soon, the Capricorn will be a team of one. Team, after all, is spelled with an I, and woe to the one who argues with Capricorn to the contrary. This sign is a strange blend of rational thought and yet displays a certain disregard for proven evidence. They may dismiss warning labels on products, and consider labeled precautions about handling/inhaling toxic chemicals as alarmist and irrational. They may forgo protective gear as a result—gloves, masks, and the like. Or they may push themselves to extremes in order to get a job done, at even greater risk to their health. What they should do instead: Join the food revolution by switching out their lawn for a food-producing organic garden. Or start a community garden initiative in their home town. Or, because it’s a Capricorn, remember, they’ll keep themselves busy by implementing a pesticide-free community garden in every town in their state, if not the entire nation.

Aquarius (January 20—February 18). Aquarians tend to rely more on instinct and intuition, and may not always think things through. This isn’t a bad quality, because it allows them to be open to worlds and dimensions that are closed to many others. But this quality does make them a little more reactive, especially in emergency situations. They could make good firefighters or EMTs, but it might be best for them to avoid job sites that have a lot of mechanical equipment or machinery. Without that human element to read and assess, they may not register the danger in time to realize they shouldn’t reach into a machine that’s malfunctioning without shutting off the power supply first. Or they may not give certain machinery the same consideration as they would another emotion-transmitting, expressive person. The industrial world is hard on multidimensional beings like the water bearers, for sure, and their time in any sort of factory dimension is limited, at best. What they should do instead: Join a Society for Creative Anachronism kingdom, become a re-enactor/historian at a place like a living history site, or simply paint themselves with body paint and become a street performer for tips.

Pisces (February 19—March 20). Although Pisces is a water sign, they would find it hard to exploit their fellow marine brethren for a paycheck. Even working on an oil platform could prove uncomfortably destructive to their watery home. Plants, however, could be fair game to the Pisces. They may find themselves floating around as a migrant farm worker, following the harvest, and using the time in-between to write their NYT bestseller. They could even take their artwork to galleries in the off-season, or sail off to L.A. in search of their big silver-screen break. However, the poor landlocked Pisces may meet an unusual, yet terrible, fate—that of drowning in the crop they’ve helped to harvest, and store. If they don’t collapse of heat stroke, that is. What could make this fate even more tragic for this romantic Pisces is if they met their fate before they even had the chance to discover their soul mate. But, there’s always their next life, or the one after that. What they should do instead: They’ll invent a device to remove PCBs and microplastics from the world’s water supply and environment, patent them, and make millions. After that, they’ll retire to a waterside cottage (on stilts) and make art that will thankfully never have to be submitted to a gallery and dedicate time to their beloved hydroponic garden instead of their NYT bestseller.

Aries (March 20—April 19). Brazen and fearless Aries will probably tackle some of the most dangerous jobs there are (in terms of workplace violence): police officer, taxi cab driver, and, especially now, public school teachers. Aries may be a little too brazen in the face of danger, and be a victim of gun violence. And that doesn’t even take into account what is classified by OSHA as “accidental shootings” in jobs that require the carrying of a weapon. But even in areas outside of those fields, homicides are a major cause of workplace fatalities, so combative Aries should exercise caution in entering into these employment fields. Now’s a good time for Aries to take those meditation courses their friends are always recommending they take. What they should do instead: Build a bunker deep underground and stock it with supplies, firearms, tools, a seed bank, and, of course, several of Scorpio’s water reclamation kits.

Taurus (April 20—May 20). Taurus is fond of all things cozy and homelike: their plush sofa, their reclining easy chair, and their linens with high thread counts. The horror of the pandemic also ironically opened up a whole new wonderful world for this zodiac sign: remote work! But no amount of domestic bliss could erase the dangers of this new working world for the Taurus: the health impact of sitting still; of staring at the computer for extended hours, and not getting enough exercise. All the health problems of being inactive could potentially plague this sign, resulting in this work-from-home setup to not being so ideal after all. These health problems could end up turning the Taurus’s beloved and welcoming home environment into a hellish prison. What they should do instead: Become a contract employee of the Aries in order to access their seed bank. Write the NYT-bestseller post-apocalyptic cookbook, full of innovative recipes that not only draw upon Aries’ extensive seed banks, but have a zero-percent food waste component to them as well. Launch a book tour to sell cookbooks at Capricorn’s key community garden sites.

Gemini (May 21—June 20). The health implications of sitting still are what Gemini could also face with their job as a long-haul truck driver. While the easily bored Gemini loves the continual excitement of visiting new places and making new friends, being a truck driver puts them at risk by way of some sort of collision or other type of accident. And, given Gemini’s low tolerance of boredom, the unrelenting loneliness of the open road also wears on Gemini’s senses. And reaction time. Once the novelty wears off, Gemini will begin to wear down as well, without the atmosphere of constant stimulation and activity that is essential for this dynamic sign’s wellbeing. They could even fall asleep at the wheel, or act in impulsive and dangerous ways as an attempt to stave off this perilous boredom. What they should do instead: Organize the Taurus’s book tour, acting not only as the tour’s promoter, but also as the Taurus’s assistant. Including swapping out the big rig for customized long-haul bicycles, complete with mini-trailers. In fact, the Gemini would have a whole caravan of staff along for the ride. So they won’t get bored or lonely with only the Taurus to talk to (although even on the road, the Taurus is still the “hostperson with the mostest”).

Cancer (June 21—July 22). Cancer’s nurturing side will find a way to express itself in the field of healthcare. Perhaps not surprisingly to healthcare workers, this field is also subject to workplace violence. As if that danger wasn’t enough, healthcare workers run the risk of things like needle-stick injuries and becoming exposed to pathogens and contagious diseases. Not to mention the physical wear and tear such an industry has on its workers. Cancers, though, shine and flourish in this demanding and high-stress work environment. Cancers are very family-orientated, and they may soon come to view their co-workers and even their patients as additional members of their own family. Sometimes, Cancer’s deep emotions get the best of them, and they may come across as a little, well, crabby, but they will always put the wellbeing of others over themselves. And over their own health. What they should do instead: If the world continues the way it does, Cancers may soon run out of patients. And, although Cancer is unselfish and giving, even they have a limit. Especially when they aren’t supported by their extended family of their co-workers and supervisors. They’ll lend their medical knowledge and training to assist Virgo in keeping the once-extinct, and now resurrected-from-DNA nonhuman, animals healthy. Cancer will also assemble a pool of like-minded healthcare professionals to help look after their new animal family.

Leo (July 23—August 22). How could Leo’s fate be anything less than going out in a fierce blaze of glory? Hopefully, though, for the rest of the life forms on Earth, that blaze of glory won’t be the result of a nuclear meltdown or other nuclear disaster. Although, it won’t be any better for the environment if the oil rig the Leo is working on also explodes. It’s inevitable that Leo’s final exit will be a dramatic one in the most earth-shaking way possible. What would be a fate worse than death for our showy Leo is if their demise was simply run-of-the-mill or chalked up to one of the most common workplace fatality causes, such as being struck down by a piece of equipment or material that was not properly secured. Leo couldn’t bear the prosaic humiliation and would probably avoid at all costs workplaces where such accidents are typical. What they should do instead: Organizing the first-ever post-apocalyptic demolition squad that’s devised a way to take down buildings with minimal destruction to the natural landscape, so that Nature can begin to reclaim the environment from the detrimental impact of people. Plus, you know, those materials can always be recycled to better use, if needed, to help Aries build more underground bunkers. Or live theatre stages to provide entertainment to the post-apocalyptic masses.