November 2023 Horrorscopes: How You’ll Die on a Road Trip

Now that it’s finally starting to cool down, why not load your gear in your car and hit the road, zodiac-style? The entire country is yours for the taking–if you dare!

Disclaimer: These are mock “horrorscopes” and should not be considered as predictive or indicative of any specific person or persons, or their demise. But the roadside attractions are real, so what are you waiting for? After all, who doesn’t secretly love kitschy tourist fun!

Scorpio (October 23—November 21). When Scorpios vacation, they do so with the same intensity they apply to everything else—full-on immersion into the worlds they venture into. Unfortunately, they are also overly confident in their abilities to survive anything, and they’ll brazenly swim in undertow-prone seas, or blissfully splash through the murky waters of a nearby swamp. Kitsch…or Bust!: Scorpios will be dying to visit Mardi Gras World, where most of the floats for the iconic New Orleans parade are made. They’ll have their excitement kindled for the next Mardi Gras celebration as they tour the warehouse full of floats from previous parades, for sure!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21). Like Scorpios, Sagittarians are born adventurers. They are not only fearless; they are also curious and inquisitive. However, stick a Sagittarius behind the wheel, and they’ll soon be frustrated and bored. Their minds will start to wander, and they’ll be so caught up in daydreaming about the majestic mountains they can see off in the distance that they’ll fail to slow down around that sharp turn on a twisty alpine road, and plunge to their death. But they always wanted to go out in a blaze of glory, so perhaps it’s a fitting demise. Kitsch…or Bust!: The Sagittarius may miss the turn, but they definitely won’t pass up the opportunity to visit the Bigfoot Discovery Museum in Felton, California. Not to mention it’ll give them a handy excuse to ditch the car and explore the surrounding redwood forests on foot.

Capricorn (December 22—January 19). Capricorns relish the detailed planning required (or so they think) by an extensive road trip. For this industrious sign, the preparation is half the fun, or, 59.6 percent of the fun, to be exact. Capricorns wouldn’t dare rely on the questionable vagaries of GPS technology and they’ll go old-school with paper maps, replete with specifically designated bathroom breaks. Despite the goat’s careful planning, there’s still room for a margin of error, and Capricorns may be so distressed over the hitch in their careful planning they may keel over in a gas station restroom (also not part of their plans). Kitsch…or Bust!: Capricorns will schedule plenty of time to go over every square inch of the Barker Character, Comic, and Cartoon Museum in Cheshire, Connecticut, and they’ll make sure they’ll travel through the museum systematically, in a clockwise fashion, and in a…well, you get the idea.

Aquarius (January 20—February 18). The only safe bet about an Aquarian road trip is that it will take them as far off the beaten path as possible. Still, even though they’ll eschew the Capricorn level of planning, they somehow always end up exactly where they meant to go, although they might be a few days—or a few months—off schedule. (It’s not like they have a 9-5 job anyway, right?) Sadly, Aquarius may not be able to resist giving that interesting-looking hitchhiker a ride, despite the cautionary signs not to pick up people in the vicinity of the nearby correctional facility. Kitsch…or Bust!: If they win over their new hitchhiker pal, the Aquarian will bring them along to seek enlightenment at the Garden of One Thousand Buddhas in Arlee, Montana. No counting required; just peace, meditation, and lots of deep breathing.

Pisces (February 19—March 20). Pisces prefers to go with the flow, as they can never make up their minds, so they may feel a little constrained by the linear structure of a road trip. They’ll need to take frequent breaks to stretch their legs, and their soul, not to mention multiple layovers at roadside motels to chill out. The Pisces might eventually find themselves out of luck, and have to settle for a motel that looks a little seedy. If they don’t fall prey to a deranged motel owner, Pisces may succumb to whatever virus was lurking in that filthy shower. Kitsch…or Bust!: Pisces will follow the rhythm of the tides to the historic Self-Flushing Latrine in Dauphin Island, Alabama. Dating back to the Civil War, the soldiers’ latrine also relies on the tides to, ahem, remove their deposits.

Aries (March 20—April 19). Active Aries will also be keen to take a load off as quickly as possible. But, unlike the meandering Pisces, they’ll race down the interstate at high speeds to get where they’re going. As they have lightning-fast reflexes, Aries will typically avoid accidents, and they’ll either charm (or brawl!) their way out of a speeding ticket. The trouble won’t start until they settle in for the night. Not even a relaxing spot by the pool is enough to calm the tumultuous Aries, and they may find themselves on the wrong end of an angry parent after they do one too many cannonballs off the diving board. Kitsch…or Bust!: Militant Aries will stand in awe before the Rockmen Guardians in Rockford, Illinois. What could be more tempting to an Aries than going head to…stone…with these fierce statues? If the angry parent didn’t finish the Ram off, blunt force trauma just might.

Taurus (April 20—May 20). Taurus will be hesitant to venture out onto the open road, but can be coaxed with the option to bring along an entire home away from home. They’ll pack up the RV with all of their favourite things, and will make sure to have entire playlists of beloved classics. However, the Taurus may be feeling so homesick even before they’ve crossed the city limit, they’ll break down sobbing. Which, of course, makes it hard to see the road. Let’s hope it’s a straight shot, but it’s more likely that the overloaded RV will topple and crash as the Taurus accidently veers off the road. Kitsch…or Bust!: If the Taurus does make it to their destination, it will be well worth it. Their creative culinary spirit will be sparked at the sight of the World’s Largest Frying Pan in Georgetown, Delaware. Just imagine how many guests they could feed from a skillet that size. The Taurus will be planning their meals even before they leave the parking lot. Now, where could they commission such a wonder for themselves?

Gemini (May 21—June 20). Geminis are probably already on the road in some form or another, and so this November horoscope may be extraneous. But it’s more likely you’ll find them soaring high in the sky in some sort of airborne vehicle. If a Gemini is earthbound, they’ll probably be on a vehicle where they can feel the wind in their hair—a motorcycle or a streamlined racing bike. They may be so wrapped up in the pleasure of the experience that they’ll close their eyes just as that semi truck pulls out right in front of them. Not that the Gemini could do much to avoid it even if they did have their eyes on the road ahead of them. Kitsch…or Bust!: Geminis will adore the whimsy of the World’s Tallest Concrete Garden Gnome in Ames, Iowa. So much so, Geminis will try to adopt Elwood for themselves. Good thing it’s nearly impossible for this quirky sign to strap the enormous fae creature to the back of their motorcycle, right? But if anyone can do the impossible, it’ll be a Gemini, for sure!

Cancer (June 21—July 22). Cancers prefer being passengers rather than drivers if they consent to go on road trips. They want to look out of the vehicle window as the world zips by. More often than not, they’re a perfect passenger, and will daydream instead of prattling on just to talk. Unless, of course, their driver needs the stimulation of conversation to keep them awake. Cancers would be better off hiring a limo with an experienced driver rather than rely on a friend or family member to shuttle them around, as the unbroken silence may cause drowsiness behind the wheel. Kitsch…or Bust!: The sensitive Cancerian spirit will wallow in the moody nostalgia of the abandoned Santa’s Land in Santa Claus, Arizona. They’ll drift among the derelict buildings and dream of restoring the magical location to its former glory. Or, rather, to a new and improved dream of that glory. But even if they did purchase the property, it’s more likely that they’d discover more magic among the ruins, and leave it just as it is. It might just be the perfect setting for a Cancer to mope around and dream about days gone by.

Leo (July 23—August 22). Needless to say, Leo doesn’t really like to fly, or travel by water, so they’ll love road trips. Plus, it’s one of the few ways Leo can arrive at a location looking perfectly fabulous. Leos, however, will need to rent a luxury vehicle with room for all their suitcases and other luggage. In fact, their car will be crammed so full, Leo will have to be careful not to slam on the brakes. Otherwise, one of Leo’s overloaded bags may just knock them into the next world as they stop for a fellow feline that’s crossing the road. Kitsch…or bust! Even if they have to travel by air or by water, regal Leos will immediately jaunt off to the ‘Iolani Palace in Honolulu, Hawaii. They’ll want to have as intimate as experience as possible, so they’ll take advantage of every up-close-and-personal private tour of the palace they can. It may be the first time Leo’s planned anything in advance, and it may also be the first time Leo’s not minded being upstaged, but the exclusive experience will be worth the slight twinge to Leo’s ego.

Virgo (August 23—September 22). Virgos will be trying their hardest (of course!) to take things slow and easy on their road trip. They’ll avoid busy highways and bustling urban areas, and stick to back roads whenever possible. Virgos will fall in love with every small town they pass through, and they may even indulge in a wishful-thinking dream where they have some land far out in the country, surrounded by animals and nature. They may veer off from their planned route, going up and down tiny country roads, and they risk breaking down in remote locations. They should be careful of whose door they knock on—it just might be the Virgo’s luck to encounter the one serial killer in a 500-mile radius. Kitsch…or Bust!: As much as Virgos love the quaint and the vintage, they work so hard their burned-out spirit is in dire need of rejuvenation. So, it’s best they head off to bask in the warm, restorative glow of a fellow soul who was also not appreciated in his time. And if the enormous reproduction of Van Gogh’s Sunflowers painting in Goodland, Kansas, isn’t enough, there’s fields and fields of golden sunflowers to further hearten the exhausted Virgo.

Libra (September 23—October 22). Libras, while skilled at aquatic activities, may hesitate before climbing into a big metal box for hours on end. They’ll almost resemble a Capricorn as they pack their road safety kit that’ll prepare them for every contingency. Every bump in the road might leave Libra on edge, fearing the worst, and the hotel bar will provide a much-needed liquid refreshment at the end of a long, grueling, four-hour day on the road. Here’s hoping Libra doesn’t end up with a flat tire, as they may decide to abandon their rental car altogether. It’s not that far to the nearest town and/or gas station, is it? We’ll never know, as it may be the last time the road-tripping Libra is seen. Presumably after they decided that shortcut across the designated wilderness area was a good idea. Kitsch…or Bust!: Libras will let their inner child out to play with their visit to the Dinosaur Gardens in Ossineke, Michigan. They’ll ramble happily among the forty acres filled with dinosaur replicas made by the onetime owner and artist. When they tire of exploring the grounds (as if!) the Libra can consume endless scoops of ice cream while playing miniature golf.




You may also like...