August 2022 Horoscopes: The “Dobhar-chú” Days of Summer Are Here!

It’s definitely the “Dobhar-chú” days of summer, isn’t it? Last month we explored who we’d be if we gave into our dark side…this month, we get even more cryptic. Cryptozoological, that is! Bet you didn’t see that coming! (Okay, you probably did.)

Leo (July 23—August 22). It may not be the most flamboyant of creatures, but Bigfoot, aka Sasquatch, has certainly dominated the cryptozoological sighting scene. Variants of this nonhuman ape or hominid creature appear all across the world, from North America to the Middle East, Asia, Singapore, Russia, Australia, and even a suitably dressed-for-the-season Abominable Snowman (Yeti) up in the Himalayas. Ever fond of the cushy life, Bigfoot doesn’t have to put in an appearance to reap the benefits of the fame they achieve by being the featured star of their own television series. After all, there’s one thing the Leo knows how to do, and that’s the ability to create mystique appropriate to being a celebrity. Even under the guise of being a lumbering, lurching, hairy celebrity! Baiting the Trap: While members of the Bigfoot genus are often found out in the wilds, that’s no reason to sacrifice their palate. French delights like magret de canard or coq au vin are sure to appeal to this old-world beast.

 Virgo (August 23—September 22). Seemingly placid Virgo will yearn to adopt the shape of the Beast of Busco, a giant turtle spotted in Indiana and which is probably the quietest cryptozoological legend among its more notorious and showy peers. This befits the modest Virgo, though—they’ll just go about their business, unaware of the impact they are having on the world about them. Unless, of course, someone tries to bother them. Oh, that’s right, it’s not just a giant turtle, it’s a giant snapping turtle! Much like a Virgo, whose quiet demeanor masks a core of steel, it’s not advisable to get in the way of this steady, determined cryptid. Baiting the Trap: Aside from the obvious fact that an oversized snapping turtle would love nothing more than to sample a couple of human fingers, it’ll probably prefer to munch on some scrumptious ears of sweet corn.

 Libra (September 23—October 22). The legend of the Dobhar-chú may have a menacing air, but a creature that’s a combination of an otter and a dog is sure to have its charming side. And the Libra would probably be the first to step up and disprove all the myths wrong by adopting the form of this mythological Irish cryptid. Just imagine the Libran Dobhar-chú splashing around in a lough and fetching sticks. Adorable, right? But enchanted onlookers may end up being the “stick” this water hound suddenly wants to fetch. Drop the camera and run! Baiting the Trap: Shepherd’s pie. Perhaps even with a few shepherds thrown in, for taste.

Scorpio (October 23—November 21). It’s hard to say which feature of the Jersey Devil appeals to the scorpion the most…the cloven hooves, the long, sharp claws, the eerie screech, or the fact that it can swoop down on their unsuspecting prey with the aid of their large wings. One thing’s for sure…Scorpio will have a lot of nefarious fun when they take the shape of this devilish creature, and, when they get bored with terrifying those that venture into the Pine Barrens, they’ll have plenty of spooky company, as it’s said the area is rife with supernatural and cryptozoological activity. Baiting the Trap: There’s only one thing that can halt a Jersey Devil in its tracks, and that’s a large pizza pie!

 Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21). World traveler Sagittarius will be keen to take on the exotic persona of the Chupacabra, especially as it, too, has been sighted across the globe. And the adventurous Archer certainly wouldn’t hesitate to try new foodstuffs, so they may not be adverse to the staple diet of this purported goat sucker. However, Sagittarius may soon tire of their cryptid form, and shed their scaly reptilian skin in hopes of shifting into a new and improved version of the Chupacabra, leaving behind a wave of confused monster hunters in its wake. Baiting the Trap: The Puerto Rican dish Monfongo, but perhaps the Sagittarian may substitute goat for the meat source that accompanies the green plantains?

Capricorn (December 22—January 19). For the logical Capricorn, the only way they might consider adopting the form of a cryptid is by taking on the form of one that has a connection, however slim, to a life form that once existed on Earth. Plus, who would resist the appeal of becoming a Saurian-type creature? Like the dinosaurs of old it’s been said to resemble, the Capricorn would be quite happy in wading around the shallow parts of the nearest water source, and contentedly munching on leaves, fruits, and flowers. At least until its territory is infringed upon by intrusive humans, and then the Capricorn sauropod will go on the offensive with all the might of its bulk. Baiting the Trap: Poulet à la Moambé—though trying to feed this herbivore a meal made from its evolutionary descendant may make it a little cranky.

Aquarius (January 20—February 18). What’s the gender neutral term for the Mothman? Moth Person? Moth Creature? In any case, mysterious legends surround this enigmatic cryptid. As if being a very large winged creature with red glowing eyes wasn’t enough, the appearance of the Mothman has been said to be an omen…one that precedes a terrible catastrophe. The higher consciousness of the Water Bearer will definitely be intrigued by a creature that is no mere cryptid, but one that has a deeply symbolic aspect to its existence. Prepare for a whole new rash of portentous appearances around the world once the more attuned Aquarius takes the form of the Mothman. Baiting the Trap: Beans and skillet cornbread. Perhaps its standard fare could be an explanation for the, ahem, squeak-like noise the Mothman has been purported to make.

Pisces (February 19—March 20). As one of the signs who’s most comfortable in a water element, Pisces would excitedly slide into the sinuous form of a sea serpent. What could be a better existence than plunging down into the cool depths of the ocean to hide, and riding the waves when it’s feeling in need of a snack? Or wanting to play with other surface creatures, like ships, for example? Never mind that the inhabitants of those vessels seem less keen on a sea serpent’s version of fun and games, but at least the sea serpent gets a quick and easy snack out of its play. Baiting the Trap: It might make a nice change of diet from the sea serpent’s usual fishy fare to lap up a piping hot dish of Finnbiff (reindeer stew). At the very least, it could distract this elusive deep-sea creature long enough to snap the first clear picture of this cryptid as viable evidence of its existence.

Aries (March 20—April 19). Legendary tales of ghostlike big cats in Britain are widespread, and sightings continue into modern times. Combative Aries would be fighting their way into the form of these mysterious cats, and would immediately set out to mark their territory. Ironically, though, the oft-quarrelsome Aries may find their feisty nature tempered by their shift into cat form. After all, the biological system of predatory cats tends to conserve their energy for a hunt, and then spend a good portion their time snoozing or lounging in the shade. Still, it’s not recommended to disturb a sleeping feline, no matter how keen you may be to snap the photo. The resultant pictures will definitely be blurry, but not of a blurred cryptid cat—they’ll be photos of the monster seeker’s last days on this planet. Baiting the Trap: Beef Wellington is the dish that’s sure to appease a ferocious feline, with its delectable blend of beef tenderloin and mushrooms all wrapped up in a layer of puff pastry. (Note: If your name is actually Wellington, I’d pick a different hobby. Tracking down crop circles, for example.)

Taurus (April 20—May 20). There’s no question that earthy Taurus’s top cryptid pick would be one that burrows into the sand for a nap in between meals. In fact, it’s been said that the Mongolian Death Worm rarely comes to the surface, which might be a good explanation as to why sightings of this venomous giant worm are rare. Life in dark, cool burrows are ideal for this home-loving Taurus, and perhaps all that purported viciousness is justified with those monster-seeking people making loud noises and thuds in an attempt to draw it out of its safe little house. Who wouldn’t be a tad grumpy, right? Baiting the Trap: The scrumptious crispy pastry (stuffed with meat) called Khuushuur. Cryptid hunters will make a Mongolian Death Worm friend for life if they serve up this traditional Mongolian treat!

Gemini (May 21—June 20). The quixotic amalgamation of traits that make up creatures like the Elwetritsch, the wolpertinger, and the rasselbock are the perfect cryptid transformation for Gemini. They’ll love being an evolutionary improbable mix of traits, like a chicken with antlers or a hare with wings AND antlers AND fangs. What the Gemini will relish most about being one of these folkloric creatures is their role in playing tricks on the gullible by means of a fake hunt. They’ll try not to burst out laughing from their secret hiding place underneath a bush—at least until they get bored and waddle (or hop?) off in search of new entertainment. Baiting the Trap: As these mysterious creatures hail from Germany, one could expect them to be lured out with a tasty plate of  Rouladen or a fresh warm pretzel with honey mustard. I’d avoid setting out a bowl of Hasenpfeffer, however. (Fangs, remember?)

Cancer (June 21—July 22). Cancers might be the most misunderstood signs of the zodiac. Underneath that crusty carapace lies a person that’s devoted and loyal and prizes their connection with others above all else. So, what better cryptid form for the Cancer to assume than Ohio’s Loveland frog? Aside from the fact that “love” is part of its nomenclature, it’s been said that the creature was really an iguana turned loose (abandoned by its owner, perhaps, and feeling oh-so-tragically alone). For the emotionally attuned Cancer, the heartbreaking mystique of the Loveland frog could be easily resurrected as it creeps around, mournfully haunting the denizens of Loveland. Baiting the Trap: Something an herbivore could eat, like sliced pawpaw. Just in case it turns out to be an iguana, after all.