April 2023 Horoscopes: Home is Where the Pen Is!
For April’s horoscopes, we’re exploring what popular architectural styles will charm our zodiac signs. Don’t forget to stick around for a sleep-inducing fairy tale once you’ve all moved in…time to dream as big as Jack’s beanstalk!
(Disclaimer: These are mock horoscopes and are meant for entertainment purposes only, and are not representative of any particular person or people.)
Aries (March 20—April 19). Typically, Aries may not be that concerned with where they live as long as there’s plenty of vertical space for all their athletic training equipment. When house-hunting, Aries will be on the lookout for an old barn they can restore, and they’ll love the fact that they can add in a rock-climbing wall if the barn is tall enough (or put it in a still-standing silo, even). They could even find the vaulted ceilings they need in a restored church, and this energetic, competitive sign will be amused in owning a structure that once was a symbol of peace and reflection. And, if they really did need some quiet time to write and create, Aries could retreat up into the bell tower (or hayloft)—by means of a climbing rope, of course! Read Me A Bedtime Story: Fairy tales do tend to have their fair share of violence, overall, but Aries will take particular delight in the gruesome events that occur in the dark fairy tale “Jack and the Giant Killer”.
Taurus (April 20—May 20). Earthy Taurus will put down roots in a house done up in the Pueblo Revival style. They’ll love the earth tones of the adobe, and they’ll relish even more the warmth of the thick walls and the passive solar design of the house’s layout during the chilly desert winters. They’ll also adore the kiva-style fireplace, and immediately purchase a faux-fur rug, upon which they’ll snuggle up to their fictional characters as the desert wind howls outside. And, in summertime, the Taurian writer will spend many a happy day in the shade of their portal, sipping prickly pear lemonade, and populating their speculative fiction with the ghosts (and traditions!) of the past. Read Me A Bedtime Story: The sinister New Mexican fairy tale “The Bird that Spoke the Truth” / “El Pájaro que Contaba Verdades” about the terrifying events that befell a once close-knit family will definitely keep a Taurus up past their bedtime. Luckily for this family-orientated Bull, there’s a happy ending to this version.
Gemini (May 21—June 20). While the Gemini may be tempted by the futuristic quirkiness of living in a geodesic dome house, they’ll be discouraged by the complexity of problems that can plague these dome houses. But, as a Gemini rarely sticks to a notion for very long, this quixotic sign will quickly move onto a more feasible alternative—that of the modern contemporary house. As Geminis like to travel light, they’ll appreciate the minimalist look, for sure. Plus, the exterior could be just as low maintenance, and the house could have the options to be both sustainable and Smart-Home tech ready—leaving them with plenty of time to write. Read Me A Bedtime Story: Nothing would suit the restless Gemini than a tale about a girl who lands in a fantastically magical world. Except, perhaps, for the part in Gemini’s pick The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, where Dorothy opts to return home. But by the time the house starts to need major repairs, the Gemini will have set up a new homestead—on Mars, perhaps, in the geodesic house of their dreams!
Cancer (June 21—July 22). Cancers will only be satisfied by a house that is as atmospheric as the haunting tales they pen. They’ll be found dwelling in a Gothic Revival house, or in an even more forbidding (and remote) historic castle. Dust, cobwebs, thick drapery, and lots of curiosities cluttering up the space—all of this will inspire the Crab to write—especially if their desk is way up in a draughty attic. Expect the Cancer to fully embrace the gothic persona as they drift around town in witchy black clothing, and you can definitely predict that the Cancer’s Halloween display will be the spookiest on the block! Read Me a Bedtime Story: Cancers tend to embrace the maudlin, and they don’t always have to have stories with happy endings. Even if there is a happy ending of sorts, it will be of the heartbreakingly poignant kind. Nothing will lull the Crab to sleep faster than having a good cry over Anderson’s “The Little Match Girl” or O’Henry’s “The Gift of the Magi”.
Leo (July 23—August 22). Leos lead a flamboyant lifestyle, and they’ll embrace an architectural style that is not only lavish, it’s designed for optimum levels of comfort. As these Lions thrive in tropical-style climates, they’ll want architecture that includes luxuriously cool courtyards where they can create tales that are just as decadent as their surroundings—and far removed from any distractions from the outside world. Their sprawling homes will incorporate the colourful arches, tile work, columns, and courtyards of the architectural style known as “architecture of the Islamic West” or “architecture of the Western Islamic lands” (Source of quoted material: Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moorish_architecture). Read Me a Bedtime Story: What better way to cajole a regal Lion to rest then with a collection of fables titled Kalīla wa-Dimna and with a cast of nonhuman animal characters—including a lion as—you guessed it—a king.
Virgo (August 23—September 22). Though Virgos are among the most practical of the zodiac signs, they also have a tendency to be ungrounded. Virgos often wander around in imaginary worlds of their own making, and they tend to become lost in their own deep thoughts. The worlds that they create far surpass the reality they inhabit, and, as a result, Virgos don’t need a fancy home, and are not driven by a need to “keep up with the Joneses”. Virgos will gravitate towards houses that are pretty rustic—whether they are cabins in the woods, cottages on the beach, stilt houses in the swamp, or, in extreme cases, yurts, tents, or even caves. Again, Virgos can tune out the real world fairly easily, unless it involves intrusive, inconsiderate neighbours, or excessive amounts of urban noise and light/environmental pollution. So, while the humble Virgo doesn’t need the finer things in life, they will definitely need the finest in (quiet) natural surroundings in order to create their prescient speculative fiction works. Read Me a Bedtime Story: Virgos have the patience to sit through longer works, so break out books over short fairy tales: Watership Down, The Plague Dogs, Charlotte’s Web—to name a few.
Libra (September 23—October 22). Nothing will make the Libra author’s imagination take flight than the structured movement of Art Deco’s Streamline Moderne architecture. Because, as much as Libras love water, the constant movement of a boat may make it hard for them to focus on their literary journey—especially with an entire tantalizing ocean off their port bow! So, Libras will dive headfirst into the illusion of watery movement all while remaining firmly on land, voyaging through their imagination in a house with lovely curves—just like a ship on the water! Even better would be a house in a location like Miami, for that extra layer of tropical vibe. Read Me a Bedtime Story: Anderson’s “The Little Mermaid” of course—a fairy tale that combines both the elements of water and air, and which will help the Libra chart their course into dreamland.
Scorpio (October 23—November 21). Scorpios will hold court at residences in the Italianate or Greek Revival styles that epitomize not only prestige and power, but also a perfect spot for partying, as well! Expect to be wined and dined to your depraved heart’s content at a Scorpio’s shindig, but be prepared to feel the sting of their poison pen if you indulge too much in the Scorpio’s hospitality. You may find yourself not only a guest at the Scorpio’s posh palace, but putting in a guest appearance in their next bestseller as well. I hope it was worth it—oh, what am I saying—can you get me in as your “plus one” next time? Read Me a Bedtime Story: The fairy tale “How the Devil Married Three Sisters” has a character in it (one of the sisters) that is clever and cunning enough to soothe even the Scorpion’s tumultuous spirit. Scorpio will drift off to sleep with dreams of hellfires and posies dancing through their head.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21). Where the Scorpio’s architectural style is a backdrop to Dionysius-style revelry, Sagittarius’s estate is the finest in terms of upper class nobility, and, although regal in its own way, doesn’t feel that it has to put on “nouveau riche” revival airs. It knows its worth, just as the Archer knows their worth, and they don’t take their blessings for granted. Or their wealth and status, either. When the Sagittarius isn’t presiding over their family vineyard, they are quietly travelling the world in search of new varieties of grapes…or precious works of arts to decorate their chateau. Which, of course, is unassumingly country in style and appearance. French Country Style architecture, that is, and it is just as much of a jewel as the rare wines the estate produces. Sagittarius will take home-baked bread in their rustic kitchen over cake at the Palace of Versailles any day. Bread is more fortifying during those long days spent huddled over their writing desk, anyway. Read Me a Bedtime Story: Sagittarius, with their ties to the stars, will adore the unusual French fairy tale, “Starlight” (or “Starlet”)—if for no other reason than white cats as fairies, white cats as sailors, and other quirky characters. Sagittarius appreciates things that exist outside surface appearances, after all.
Capricorn (December 22—January 19). Capricorn strives to appear down-to-earth, but they are just as fond of the finer things in life as a Scorpio. Still, they would prefer not to appear ostentatious in their lifestyle, and this would be evident in their architectural style they choose. They would feel that the more tailored and understated elegance of a Prairie or Craftsman-style home would capture that DIY aesthetic they cherish. And, in fact, they probably did DIY most of the restoration of their historic home themselves. After all, Capricorns are quite the industrious perfectionists! The house’s quasi-minimalism could also serve as a flexible backdrop to their carefully curated collection of art, furnishings, heirlooms, and books, although they may not wish to disturb the home’s aesthetic by actually using their writing desk as a place to write. They’ll probably be found scribbling away at the kitchen table while eating a microwave meal, or even writing in the tub while drinking a fine scotch. Read Me a Bedtime Story: The Capricorn may consider a bedtime story a frivolous pastime, but you could tempt them with a character after their own industrious heart—the hardworking hen in “A Little Red Hen”. Although, the “Ant and the Grasshopper” could be a good backup if the busy Capricorn still can’t sleep.
Aquarius (January 20—February 18). “A” for Aquarius, “A” for A-frame. Makes sense, right? Well, it will to the Aquarius, who is sensitive to the connectivity of the universe in all its wonderfully synchronous ways. And, since the Aquarius is seemingly on an eternal vacation as it wanders through dimensions, they’ll enjoy roughing it in a structure that was often found in resorts and on campgrounds. Plus, the openness of the interior makes the A-frame house even more appealing to the Aquarius, as they don’t like to be confined to more structured spaces or lifestyles. Ironically, though, the water bearer is also a collector and they may cram their houses up to the tall rafters with their collectibles and mementos from their travels around the world. But they don’t need the space for a writing desk, as they’ll be furiously tapping out their stories on their phones or on one of their other electronic devices. Read Me a Bedtime Story: Because the Aquarian doesn’t balk at jumping down rabbit holes, they’ll quickly be enamoured by Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.
Pisces (February 19—March 20). Pisces takes to fairy tales and fantasy as a fish does to water. Everything in their life reflects this yearning for the magical and impossible. Their clothing is appropriately fanciful, and they’ll decorate their homes with all sorts of Victorian-style objects d’art. While they may spend agonizing weeks, or even months, selecting just the right house, it’s a safe bet it will be a Queen Anne, or, at the very least, a Tudor Revival. Both could be a stand-in for the Pisces’ dream fairy-tale cottage, with the right decorative magic applied. And, just imagine spinning out all those wondrous stories in their very own tower…one that might even overlook their new fairy garden! Read Me a Bedtime Story: You could pretty much read any fairy tale, and the romantically dreamy Pisces will be content, but you’ll rack up the pixie points if you select the story of Rapunzel in the tower. But the fairy tale “Town Musicians of Bremen” will speak to the Pisces’s sensitive soul even more, as it features unwanted and abused animals who finally find not only a physical home, but a home with each other, as lifelong friends.
Want to find your own dream home? Check out the Old House Dreams website that I used as inspiration for April’s set of horoscopes: https://www.oldhousedreams.com/.
Source list of fairy tales: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fairy_tales.
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“Bringer of Nightmares and Storms.” Horror writer Willow Croft is usually lurking deep in the shadows of her writer cave, surrounded by formerly feral (but still fierce!) cats for company. Visit her here: http://willowcroft.blog, or check out her other services here: https://kirsten-lee-barger.mailchimpsites.com/.