May 2022 Horoscopes: [Undead] Party Like It’s . . .

Nope, not that beloved immortal!(Canva.com)

 

Read on to see how each undead zodiac sign will fritter away their eternal time!

 

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Party like it’s…1940s: The WWII-Rationed Dinner Party with Taurus (April 20—May 20). The trusty Taurus has spent its undead eternity planning perfect dinner parties. As much as this sign likes everything the same, even the tradition-bound Taurus fears the day their parties will be labeled a “one-note” after so many centuries. Therefore, they’ll seek out new ways to challenge their party-planning skills—such as designing a full wartime-rationed menu for their nearest and dearest bloodsuckers. And who cares if the meal that the hard-working Taurus slaved over goes uneaten? The vampirific digestive system won’t be a problem when it comes to the alcohol-free, blood-infused mocktails served as an accompaniment to the traditional, and also more digestible, fruit gelatin. And no 1940s-inspired party would be complete without a rousing game of charades. Because when the Taurus and their guests have lived for over a thousand years, the possibilities are endless, even though the evening is not! After all, there’s no risk that the Taurus’s fellow nocturnals will overstay their welcome, right?

 

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Party like it’s…March 2, 1699 to Present: New Orleans’ Mardi Gras Celebrations with Gemini (May 21—June 20). After all these years, one would expect the Mardi Gras festivities to wear on the chimerical Gemini. But it doesn’t, because the Gemini has the opportunity to present a new “face” by virtue of their costume and mask that always changes to match the current theme of the float they’re on that year. Plus, the flood of new people victims to the French Quarter provides the Gemini vampire with an endlessly varied and diverse menu to choose from. And, in this town steeped in old-world magic and honorific celebrations of death, Gemini’s status as an immortal will barely begin to be remarked upon by the time the next generation replaces the local old-timers. The only attention this sign will attract in the “anything goes” party culture is its attachment to the non-traditional red color of the beads they toss into the crowd from their float. Red for blood, of course!

 

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Party like it’s…1990s: The Goth Scene Redux with Cancer (June 21—July 22). Where else would you find a moody undead Crab then hiding in the dim shadows of a goth club? Even if it is a 90s reboot, it’s a reboot spawned by a new generation of black-eyelinered, black-velvet-clad maudlin types. This was the generation of twenty-somethings that had embraced not only “coffin classics” like Bauhaus and The Cure, but welcomed the fictional vampires of Anne Rice into their gloomy midst. Surely, the Cancerian feels, they’ll similarly welcome a real-life vampire. Or so the Cancerian hopes anyway, as they strike a poetic pose with their pitch-black cloves and their glass of blood-rich (literally!) red wine. For this nostalgic Cancer, the goth club is a modern-day version of the old-world see-and-be-seen high society—at least until the rave scene strips the atmospheric mystery from the club with their glow sticks and urban-baggy pants. The poor undead Cancer will have no choice, then, but to retreat to their desolate and crumbling estate to await the next reboot of an elegant, Victorian-inspired subculture to appear.

 

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Party like it’s…1600s-1700s: Louis XIV’s Palace at Versailles with Leo (July 23—August 22). For the flamboyant and dynamic Leo vampire, there is no gothic-styled waiting in the shadows. This vibrant sign lives for the sun, even though they can no longer be out and about during the day. And the Leo makes the day happen with advancements in electric lighting that mimic natural sunlight. It’s expensive, sure, but money is never an issue for the Leo, as they do in post-death just as they did in life, which is to surround themselves with the best of everything. And the best of everything, in this case, is to rent out the former Louis XIV’s Palace at Versailles, and replicate the grand events the old Sun King used to host back in the day. While the Leo’s wealth buys a lot, it can’t quite buy authenticity, and every so often, the Leo misses the excitement when all of this was new and yet familiar. People today, the Leo undead has found, just smell—and taste—different. But the Leo would never appear in public at less their personal best, so they touch up their face paint, fix their wig, make sure there’s not a loose thread to be found on their luxurious garments, and hope tonight will be the night they’ll find someone that tastes as exquisite as a French blue-blood once did.

 

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Party like it’s…1980s: The Roller Skating Rink with Virgo (August 23—September 22). As they did in life, the Virgo undead continues to relish the simple things. And that no-frills simplicity is best represented by evenings spent in the innocent haven of the roller skating rink. Rainbow socks, day-glo neon, and stacked bracelets that merrily jangle as the Virgo vampire zips around the track—much faster than they did when they were alive. Things are now even more simpler with their undead state, because they can’t be hurt when they wipe out after taking a turn too fast. However, even a vampire needs a breather, and Virgo skates off the rink to snag a churro, or breathe in the heavenly smell of nachos with gooey, drippy cheese. Luckily, the pink lemonade is tart enough to hide the taste of blood the Virgo has never quite gotten used to. The Virgo undead, as opposed to when they were alive, has no hesitation about wasting all their quarters at Skee Ball, or by beating their top scores in their favorite arcade games. Just as they’ve exchanged all their tickets for the latest in plastic mementos and jelly bracelets, the disco ball starts to sparkle, and the Virgo grabs their latest victim love of their life, and skates into a happily-ever-eternal-after, hand in hand.

 

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Party like it’s…Late 1880s: Coney Island, the “Playground of the World” with Libra (September 23—October 22). For the vampirean Libra, Coney Island has a midway feel to it in more ways than one. The sheer number of people it draws allows the Libra to feed almost undetected. Even if the careful Libra were interrupted in the middle of a meal, who would believe such a thing of the philanthropist who contributed a sizeable amount of funds in not only restoring, but preserving, the Coney Island site? As far as anyone knew, the Libra was a born-and-bred New Yorker. Which was true, just not in anyone’s current lifetime. Still, even after all these years, the Libra’s undead heart had its’ childlike playfulness restored the minute they set foot within the chaotic energy that characterizes Coney Island. And it’s exactly their status as one of the main benefactors of Coney Island that allows Libra an all-access pass long after the sun goes down for not only them, but all of their suspiciously gaunt friends. Which the staff of local carnies think is just due to them being from somewhere upstate. A very rich, posh somewhere upstate.

 

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Party like it’s…1920s: Prohibition Era’s Speakeasies with Scorpio (October 23—November 21). Even though the Victorian era was probably more unconventional than originally depicted, it’s still too tame for the walk-on-the-wild-side Scorpio vampire. They want something more exciting and dangerous than the artfully melancholy Victorians and their more modern subculture counterparts (like Goths). These undead scorpions find their thrills in banned and illegal undertakings. And, of course, nothing represents this better than the sometimes seedy, sometimes upscale, environment that defined the speakeasies of the 1920s. Within these tucked-away dance clubs and bars, the Scorpio once found liberation from societal mores. While the Scorpio vampire is now eternally liberated from the dramas and the rules of human society, their undead existence is a long one. These Scorpios still seek the feeling of being alive, and they recreate this sensation by embracing all things back-alley. They’ll set up shop in the most conservative state (which could also be a dry state) and flaunt everything from banned books to their non-conservative flag of choice. And they’ll be running their modern-day version of a speakeasy right under the noses of the local authorities—just as they did in the old days. The really old days, in fact.

 

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Party like it’s…1500s: The Ottoman Empire during its peak under Suleiman I (Suleiman the Magnificent) with Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21). Even as an undead, Sagittarius never gives up their quest to reach the highest state of evolution a human can obtain. Throughout history, this noble archer can be found hanging around human civilizations at the height of their political, cultural, and societal accomplishments. While the Sagittarian vampire may eventually conclude that humanity can only evolve so far (in comparison to themselves and their fellow vampires), they still seek to absorb more from the human race then the warm blood that runs in their veins. These higher-minded vampires hope to distill their essence, their knowledge, and their entire history, if they can. And a good example of where to find the best and the brightest of humanity is in places like the Ottoman Empire under Suleiman I. While no society (or its leader/government) is perfect, Suleiman I did have a vision that fostered political, cultural, scientific/technological, and artistic growth under his leadership. Essentially, the Sagittarius is a collector, and they are preparing themselves for the day when they, alongside their other vampire brethren, will be the leaders that launch a new “Golden Age” on Earth.

 

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Party like it’s…1970s: The Disco Clubs with Capricorn (December 22—January 19). It’ll probably seem strange to find the oft-conventional Capricorn (even in their unconventional undead form) embracing the anti-establishment, anti-status quo movement of the 1970s. But within disco music, anyway, there’s a certain structure to the rhythm and to the dance steps that accompany the music. Although disco couture also stood out, there were underlying rules to creating the disco look, just as there were rules to the dancing style the music inspired. Certain other elements that belonged to the party scene of the disco movement made it easier for the Capricorn to go on the undead prowl, and avoid detection once it fed. Besides, what would a Capricorn vampire be if they didn’t think everything through completely and methodically? This old goat never acts on impulse, which is why it is probably among the oldest vampires in existence. And, millennia from now, they’ll still be on the dance floor, strutting their stuff while the young whippersnapper undeads gawk in horror.

 

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Party like it’s…1960s: The Hippie Movement with Aquarius (January 20—February 18). Peace, love, and the cosmic transformation that comes from imbibing humanity’s most ethereal red-hued substance, right? After all, red is a sacred color, the Aquarian vampire will tell you,. representative of both birth and death. Welcome to the heady world of the most enlightened of all the undead zodiac signs. Or so they like to think, anyway. These hippie-styled vampires will be both old in spirit but young in character. They’ll probably always need an undead elder to watch over them. You know, in case they go so deep into a meditative state that they aren’t aware of the first pink touches appearing in the morning sky. Or they accidently consume an elixir of garlic because they’ve learned it can be powerfully healing. Paradoxically, their deep spiritual connection to everything around them, even after their bodily transition, will protect them if they wander into a church while on a nighttime hunt. Eventually, though, the undead Aquarian is determined to see what awaits them in a higher dimension, and not even the most dedicated elder can protect them from their human-like curiosity.

 

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Party like it’s…1910s: Paris Art Salons with Pisces (February 19—March 20). It’s a certainty that an undead Pisces will be at the forefront of any and every major art movement throughout the course of history. They see the world through different eyes, and becoming a vampire only increases that creative vision. The good news is that, being undead, the Pisces will never freeze (but they may starve!) in a cold Parisian garret. They’ll be part of every group exhibition that has ever been held at a notable 1910s-era (and beyond) Paris salon. These sensitive souls do run the risk of another unfortunate fate that befalls many artists…the line between “reality” and their creative imagination becomes blurry. Like the Aquarian, the Pisces may need extra looking after by its vampire family once it becomes the stereotypical “mad artist”. But even the most ancient, cold-blooded vampire will be unable to resist the sweet charm of the dreamy Piscean vampire. They’ll indulge the Pisces when it breaks with vampire protocol, and allow the Pisces to decorate the walls of its crypt with pictures of frolicking animals and pastel-hued draping fabrics. Care should be taken, however, to ensure that the Pisces undead extinguishes all of their scented candles before they are allowed to crawl into their coffin for the day’s rest. Nobody wants to live out the rest of their undead existence as a charred husk, of course.

 

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Party like it’s…1950s: Rock ’N Roll with Aries (March 20—April 19). The Aries will probably “live fast and die young” and are poised to become the eternal rebellious teenager of the undead community. Luckily, as an undead, there’s little risk to all their rebelling—unless, of course, they’re arrested and put in jail, where their inability to age normally becomes markedly apparent. And these anarchistic-minded vampires may only shift sideways as they age…trading the tight white t-shirts and greased-back hair, and the tight skirts and shirts/sweaters characteristic of the rock ‘n roll era for the tattered clothing and more brightly coloured haircuts of the later punk rockers of the 1970s and 1980s. They could even embrace the heavy rocker/glam rocker look for a while until they discover that their makeup doesn’t stand up too well to their constant brawling. There are other, more recent versions of rebellious teen stages and culture, of course, but the Aries vampire will always prefer teenage-esque subcultures that allow them to express their more aggressive, confrontational, and combative sides.

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