February 2022 Horoscopes: Dead in the Water

(Disclaimer: Please note that these mock horoscopes are meant for entertainment only, and are not meant to be taken as actual advice, past/present/future predictions, or in any factual, accurate, scientific, or truthful context.)

Our belabored astrological signs have found themselves “dead in the water”—adrift at sea on a sight-seeing expedition ship that has mysteriously ceased working, along with the ship-to-shore radio and the cell phones of everyone on board. Read on to see how each sign deals with this latest catastrophe!

Aquarius (January 20—February 18). Out comes their travel journal! Writing implement in hand, the Aquarian perches in strategic locations around the ship—the best places to observe and record the human dramas unfolding around them, for later study. This pastime soon loses its novelty, and they begin to examine the situation from a larger, more metaphysical perspective. What caused the ship to break down? Why aren’t the radios and cell phones working? When the ship’s crew is distracted with trying to calm the panicky vacationers, the Aquarian will be sneaking navigational charts into its cabin in hopes of discovering a new Bermuda Triangle. When their handmade compass begins to detect magnetic anomalies, they decide the best way to gather more information is to secretly head off in one of the ship’s lifeboats. To their disappointment, the only thing the curious Aquarian discovers is a commercial fishing trawler, who comes to the stranded ship’s rescue, and takes everyone aboard to the nearest port. The Aquarian may not have uncovered a mysterious new oceanic triangle, but the notoriety they’ve achieved for being a hero comes with a monetary benefit, and they jaunt off to explore reports of unexplained creatures sighted in a remote Southwestern desert, where they’re never heard from again.

Pisces (February 19—March 20). When they aren’t listening to “My Heart Will Go On” on repeat in their ear buds, Pisces passes the time onboard the stalled ship by dressing to the nines and wistfully staring out over the sea, hoping someone will notice them. Eventually, even the dreamy Pisces has to accept there isn’t a forbidden romance waiting to happen, so they retreat into their luxurious stateroom and immerse themselves in a steady stream of old black-and-white movies. They only emerge when room service doesn’t arrive on time, and discover the ship empty of other passengers and crew. While it might not be the shipboard dalliance the Pisces was hoping for, the mysterious disappearance of everyone else aboard is a romance of a different sort, and they return to their cabin to select a different outfit for the occasion. However, when the tow ship returns to the coordinates of the stalled ship, there’s no sign of the Pisces, the ship itself, or even any wreckage. It’s all disappeared, spawning a spate of wild and fantastical theories about the fate of the missing ship that would have made the Pisces’ fellow shipmate Aquarius proud.

Aries (March 20—April 19). The very minute the ship has quit moving, Aries has plunged overboard and is checking the entire hull for holes. Sadly, no sharks have arrived to make their swim more exciting, so they clamber back onboard. They urge the crew to lower the lifeboats and escape, but get frustrated when the crew refuses to act. This impetuous sign begins debating with the captain about the risks of staying onboard, even though the captain tries to explain that the ship is not in danger of sinking, and they have a better chance of rescue by staying put. Finally, the Aries loses all patience and jumps back overboard, planning to swim to the nearest landmass. Many years later, the Aries is discovered by a private yacht that has anchored off in a cove of an uninhabited (or so they think) and rocky island. The Aries, however, begins to argue with the yacht’s crew from shore about the best way to attempt a rescue, and the yacht finally loses patience and sails away, leaving this opinionated ram to their fate.

Taurus (April 20—May 20). It’s odd that the Taurus is a passenger on this sight-seeing cruise, as it prefers the comfort of its own four walls. While their Piscean partner is leaning too far over the ship’s rails, the Taurus copes with this change to their routine by camping out in a poolside chair, and systematically reading every book in the ship’s library, only pausing to take sips of their healthy green smoothie or bites of their salad—the same exact lunch they have every day back home. They welcome the delay as brought about by the ship’s stalled state, as they have only made it three-fourths’ of the way through the ship’s selection of books. Unfortunately, the rescue comes way too soon for the Taurus’s comfort, and when the fishing trawler arrives, this slow-moving bull suddenly springs into action. They make a mad dash to the library and grab the remaining unread books off the shelves. On the way back, the Taurus trips and falls, hitting their head on the gunwale and knocking themselves unconscious. Which is probably a blessing, as the crew transports the unlucky Taurian to the dinghy, but leaves all the unread books behind.

Gemini (May 21—June 20). The Gemini on board is the ship’s entertainment director and landside tour guide. While they are resenting the standstill caused by the ship’s malfunctioning equipment, they try to keep busy by making sure everyone has blankets and hot tea, even though this is a sight-seeing cruise in the tropics. These quirky Geminis also seize the opportunity to break out their new magician’s routine they haven’t had a chance to air yet on their video channel. As everyone onboard lines up to disembark the ship, the Gemini passes out their business cards, complete with links to all their social media, to the passengers and the trawler’s crew alike. Along with plenty of blankets and thermoses of hot tea, for the ten-minute ride over to the other ship, of course! Based on the positive feedback of the passengers to their magic routine, the Gemini quits their job and catches the first flight out—to Las Vegas! Soon, this charming Gemini is headlining acts at the most notable casinos and hotels in Sin City. And this glittering city in the desert provides enough excitement that this dual-natured sign is never bored!

Cancer (June 21—July 22). At the very beginning of the expedition, somebody said something to the Cancer that hurt their feelings, and they retreated into their cabin for the majority of the voyage. Yet, they made it a point to sup alone in the dining room for every meal; to show the world how well they were bearing up under their pain with both grace and with stoic fortitude. In case anyone doubted how much they were suffering, though, the wounded Cancer refused all attempts to partake of any of the ship’s entertainments. Not even the charming Gemini could lure the Cancer into joining the shipboard’s weekly karaoke event. As a result, this long-suffering Cancer is the first off the ship, and when the fishing trawler docks, the Cancer disappears into the crowded port city. This elusive crab may soon take up residence at a private vineyard in some tiny European town, or retreat to a remote sanctuary up in the Himalayas, where they wait for someone to come looking for them. Unfortunately for the Cancer, they have hidden themselves away so successfully that it’s impossible for them to be found.

Leo (July 23—August 22). Unlike a few of their other zodiac shipmates, the Leo will never go unnoticed. They spend the time recording videos that they can share to all their social media followers later. This only satisfies the Leo for a little while, and they soon fall into a state of melancholy without regular access to their audience. Still, they try to keep a brave face, and spend a good deal of the day, picking out outfits and making an appearance at not only every meal, but every event the Gemini entertainment director has organized. When the fishing trawler arrives at the port city, the camera crews flock to the flamboyant Leo, and the Leo holds court to its long-deprived heart’s content until the hotel’s transports arrive. After indulging in all the hotel’s amenities—sauna, spa treatments, and five-star room service meals—the Leo settles in to watch the evening news. Sadly for the Leo, the interview they gave to the press is interrupted by a breaking-news report on—well, it’s not known, as the proud lion turns off the TV in disgust. It’s not too long before the Leo drinks their way through the minibar and passes out, thus missing their flight in first class, and they have to take a seat in economy. It seems the Leo luck continues to run out, as the plane not only has engine failure, it plunges out of the sky, and, even more unbelievably, lands right on top of the stalled ship, causing both the ship and the plane to disintegrate upon impact. Leo would have taken comfort in the fact that they finally did make the evening news, even if their “five seconds of fame” was achieved posthumously.

Virgo (August 23—September 22). No sooner than the Virgo has unpacked their suitcase, hung their shirts so that they are all facing the same way in the stateroom’s closet, arranged their toiletries neatly in the bathroom, and checked their bed sheets to make sure they are both clean and not hiding other people’s hair tendrils underneath the comforter then they receive word that the ship has stalled. Time flies when you’re having fun, the Virgo muses, and then sits down at the little desk to write already addressed postcards to every one of their co-workers, their friends and family, and their favorite cashier at the local grocery store back home. Thankfully, the Virgo doesn’t have to wait too long before they can repack their suitcase and climb down into the dinghy. To their horror, however, one of the crew members tosses the Virgo’s suitcase into the dinghy and when it lands with a thunk in the bottom of the boat, it breaks open. Not only are the Virgo’s neatly folded clothes scattered to the winds, but the postcards take flight as well. The Virgo frantically tries to grasp the fluttering postcards before they’re lost forever, but falls into the ocean instead. For the first time in their lives, the Virgo has bad timing, because their splash attracts a nearby shark and they are quickly pulled away from the ship. The last thing the Virgo sees is a postcard swirling above them with a “Wish you were here” in bright, cheery script on it before the shark pulls them into the depth.*

Libra (September 23—October 22). “I told you so” would pretty much sum up Libra’s reaction to the interruption of the sight-seeing expedition. Still, whether it was actual psychic ability or just a Libra’s keen intuition, they had hesitated before embarking on this journey and had mentioned to their family that they’d had a bad feeling about this trip during the weeks leading up the departure date, and the family had just laughed it off. And so this Libra finally decided to continue with the sight-seeing tour as it was their gift to their grandchild who had recently graduated from college. That, and this Libra was lonely since they’d taken an early retirement. Unfortunately, once they were onboard, the Libra discovered that her grandchild spent most of the time on their phone. But there were plenty of other people to talk to on the ship, and soon the Libra had a warm circle of friends. Not to mention the alluring and slightly mysterious person they kept seeing above deck. The Libra had just gotten up the courage to go talk to them, when the arrival of the fishing trawler created a flurry of excitement with everyone trying to get off the boat first. Once they were back on land, her grandchild, reunited with their cell phone service, posted up about their grandma “sensing” something bad was going to happen, and the post went “viral” which didn’t sound very pleasant. The Libra soon found out otherwise, when, because of the huge amount of likes, meant she was soon in demand as an actual psychic, foretelling the future of everyone from the friends they’d made on the ship to rich and famous people. Until, of course, this Libra became rich and famous themselves, thus proving their most famous prophecy wrong.

Scorpio (October 23—November 21). I can almost guarantee that the Scorpio is onboard for a reason other than a vacation. At best, what started out as a vacation may have presented this clever scorpion with an opportunity too good to pass up. A dropped wallet on the way to the dining hall, or even the chance to take on someone else’s identity. It wouldn’t have been above a Scorpio to be a stowaway onboard the ship, whether fleeing an actual dastardly crime, or simply for the sheer adventure of it. Or perhaps they were on the ship under the guise of a passenger, but was actually an undercover police officer or a private investigator. Whatever it is, there’s always something “afoot” with a Scorpio, or they like to give the appearance of such. They may even be hiding in plain sight as part of the ship’s crew. It wouldn’t be remiss to assume that the mechanical failure that caused the ship to stall would have been the act of the Scorpio. Not even the Libra’s keen intuition would pick up on the Scorpio’s machinations. Only one thing’s for sure—the Scorpio would not only be successful in its end goal, they would continue to elude detection and capture, and live to commit more dastardly, nefarious, and/or questionably legal acts in the future. Because everything a Scorpio does goes exactly to plan.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21). The Sagittarius is the sign that’s on this sight-seeing expedition not to make friends or hope for a shipboard romance, they are there for the adventure part of it—an adventure that’s wrapped up in self-growth and personal evolution. And, as a result, the ship’s stagnation becomes not just the initial inconvenience or its eventual tragedy, it’s an existential crisis for this questing archer. They become so wrapped up in the “why” of the event that they lose sight of the course of action to take when needed. Instances like this may be so wrapped up in what they consider unalterable fate, they may become immobilized when it’s time to take action. The good news is that they are so restless, and driven by the winds of fate, that they might not even be on the ship when it stalls. They’ve abandoned ship long before it even became necessary to do so—deciding that they were meant to be a pub owner in the last port of call, or transfer to a ship full of activists working to end illegal whaling. The downside to this is that they often live in the moment, and they don’t think to notify their nearest and dearest of their change of plans. As a result, they would be counted among the victims of this tragedy. Until they show up, five years later, on their family’s doorstep, alive and well, because fate directed them to…naturally!

Capricorn (December 22—January 19). What can we say about Capricorns? Aside from being nominated as being the most likely to survive any calamity thrown their way, that is. And, contrary to other zodiac signs, this isn’t because they have keen intuition, or luck, or are “fortune’s favorites”. No, it’s just because Capricorn is perfectly prepared for every last contingency—even that of an unforeseen mechanical failure of the ship they happen to be travelling on. Capricorns may not be burdened with an excess of emotion, but they certainly don’t travel light throughout life, either mentally or physically. Their suitcase will not only hold the exact changes of clothes they will need, but will also have a survival kit, complete with their own compact inflatable raft, and all the supplies they would need for every conceivable emergency. Many of the other passengers were laughing at the Capricorn as they struggled to haul not only all their luggage aboard, but a 52-pack of water bottles up the ramp. (Because nobody can load their own luggage as good as a Capricorn can—and this way they don’t have to shell out money for a tip!) Those passengers weren’t laughing, later, as they enviously watched the Capricorn sail away in their very own sunshade-protected raft, with their satellite GPS unit and all their luggage. You can bet that the Capricorn was not the one that left their wallet behind for the Scorpio to snatch, and it’s equally unlikely that their identity was at risk of being similarly stolen. The other safe bet is that, even before they land on the nearest shore, the Capricorn will have already filed for, and most likely received, the reimbursement of the trip’s costs from the expedition company. And, yes, unlike our too-indulgent Leo, they will somehow arrive at the airport at exactly the requisite two hours to check in for their departing flight—not a minute too early or too late!

*Shark attacks are much less common than people may think, and the probability of this happening in this scenario is as unlikely as a Virgo with the aforementioned bad timing.