June 2022 Horoscopes: The Horror Tree’s Spooky FilmFest!
Summertime is here…it’s time to put the top down and cruise on over to your local drive-in movie theatre! Whether your spooky cinematic appetites run to creepy, campy, chilling, or classic, there’s something for each bloodthirsty zodiac sign at the Horror Tree FilmFest!
(Please note that these mock horoscopes are for entertainment only and have no reflection on actual people, situations, and such.)
Gemini (May 21—June 20). Nothing terrifies a footloose and fancy-free Gemini more than being trapped in one place, forever and ever…and ever. Therefore, the Gemini’s cinematic “Fright Night” will start with the silent film short Suspense about a woman and her child trapped in their isolated rural estate in the 1913 version of a home invasion. While the short film may be more suited to Gemini’s equally short attention span, the next film on the docket, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane (1962) is sure to cause a sleepless night. The Gemini’s dual nature will be drawn in by the apparent bond of the two sisters (both former thespians), only to reel in horror when one of the sisters imprisons the other in the house they both share, and cuts her off from the world entirely. Snack…if you dare! Jelly beans are Gemini’s go-to vintage movie treat—during the slow parts of this two-hour-plus movie set, they’ll have a variety of flavours to keep their taste buds engaged!
Cancer (June 21—July 22). What better picks for this sensitive (and sometimes maudlin) soul than a selection of horror movies that also tug at the heartstrings? Sure, the crab likes to stay at the edge of the water rather than dive deep, but their fear of what lies beneath the waves is nicely balanced with gut-wrenching terrors of pain, loss, and heartbreak. The Cancer will swing like a pendulum from the heights of horror to the oceanic-like depths of sadness, alternating deliciously between sobs and shivers, with movie fare like Don’t Look Now (1973), The Abyss (1989), and Titanic (1997). Just make sure to have plenty of old-fashioned handkerchiefs to lend the Cancer. Snack…if you dare! Salt water taffy—because, you know, the whole salt-in-the-wounds thing. Right?
Leo (July 23—August 22). The Leo’s biggest nightmare is committing a social faux pas, even though it’s not likely such a thing would happen outside of the hours of REM sleep. A misplaced table setting or clothing in disarray will be enough to send the Leo screaming for the (country club) hills, and so they’ll spend the evening peeking through their fingers at the soul-curdling antics of the hapless characters in The Masque of the Red Death (1964) and The Last Supper (1995). Snack…if you dare! If the Leo even dared breach etiquette by eating or drinking during a movie, they’d be letting a pastel-coloured after-dinner mint dissolve slowly in their mouth. Certainly no audible crunching, or paper rustling, from this stately sign. You never know who might be watching, even if it’s only a deranged serial killer barely illuminated by the glow from the silver screen, and the Leo always keeps up appearances.
Virgo (August 23—September 22). The Virgo is among the more modest signs of the zodiac, and they prefer things on the simple side. To them, nature is pastoral and peaceful, and they relish the nurturing and safe presence of animals and trees. For this wilderness-loving sign, technology is horror, and horror is technology gone wrong. Nothing will be more chilling to this grounded sign when technology fails humanity, such as in Alien (1979) or develops an evil mind of its own, like in Maximum Overdrive (1986). Luckily, for the Virgo, they’ll use the time they’ll be lying awake in bed at night to plan the eco-revolution. Alien, even with its technological horrors, will probably become the Virgo’s all time favourite sci-fi horror movie. Because, you know, the Ripley-Jonesy bond. Snack…if you dare! Sesame candy. (It’s healthy, right?)
Libra (September 23—October 22). For a Libra, they ideally prefer living in a state of perpetual vacation—so much so, that the typical summer vacation has gotten a little stale. Naturally, the Libra will be deliciously haunted by films that start off with seemingly fun and idyllic getaways, but which quickly devolve into a state of macabre mayhem. Yes, you guessed it—one of the films the Libra will be on the edge of their bench seat for is Deliverance (1972). And if that wasn’t enough to finish off a Libra during this drive-in spookfest, they’ll love the jumpscares the campy Tourist Trap (1979) set at a quirky off-the-beaten-path roadside museum. Snack…if you dare! A quirky candy like Raisinets to match the quirky and fun-loving Libra spirit.
Scorpio (October 23—November 21). Scorpios often find themselves in the middle of havoc and destruction, whether they orchestrated it or not. And, although they’re a water sign, they tend to be fascinated by the element of fire. The only thing that spooks Scorpio about fire is that its destructiveness tends to be pretty final. Fire is the full-stop. And it’s that full stop that Scorpio will find so ultimately chilling in the horror movie line-up. In the Day the Earth Caught Fire (1961), humanity has to live with the consequences of their actions, and that may be a little too much real-life horror for this inquisitive, boundary-testing sign, but their determination to learn humanity’s final fate will keep them watching. Suspiria (1977) may be just as terrifyingly incendiary, but the Scorpio may find more to relate in this film, with the character choosing to stay in a mysterious and perplexing situation despite the risk to themselves—because they just have to know what’s actually going on! Snack…if you dare! Cinnamon Red-Hots, Hot Tamales, and Atomic Fireballs.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21). Sagittarius, with its philosophical spirit, will gravitate towards Carnival of Souls (1962) as the epitome of the quiet or psychological horror they prefer. It’s the perfect film for them to muse over for days as they resume their wanderings throughout the physical world, full of potentially obscure symbolism and even deeper spiritual messages from the universe. The horror will lie in any potential parallel with their own life in the days after the viewing, and their inability to prise any deeper meaning out of the seemingly synchronous circumstances. Snack…if you dare! Harvest Candy Corn. Nobody really knows why.
Capricorn (December 22—January 19). Capricorns may yearn for structure, and Nature, by contrast, might feel too messy for this sign. And a movie about nature running amok would definitely strike fear into the heart of this usually unflappable sign. In any case, after watching the two eco-horror films Night of the Lepus (1972) and Frogs (1972), the Capricorn has an excuse for staying up all night and reorganizing their spice cabinet as they attempt to restore order to their precise world. Or mowing their lawn at three in the morning, to the dismay of their neighbours. Snack…if you dare! Gummi Bears, of course. But Animal Crackers will do in a pinch.
Aquarius (January 20—February 18). Aquarius walks the line between worlds, more often than not, and they would appear to be the sign most comfortable with ghosts and other paranormal entities, right? Yes, and no. To be honest, no matter how practiced this transcendental sign becomes at walking through realms and encountering all sorts of entities, it’s still unnerving to feel a cold hand on the back of their neck, or hear eerie whispers against their ear. They’ll put on a brave front at the drive-in, despite the chills running down their spine at the pivotal points in Poltergeist (1987) or in The Others (2001) but once safely back in their livespace, the Aquarius will be lighting candles and incense and performing cleansing rituals. Snack, if you dare! LifeSavers, any flavor. Just in case they need a circle of protection to ward off any malicious entity.
Pisces (February 19—March 20). Pisces strive to maintain strong interpersonal ties, whether it be friends, family, loved ones, or even their co-workers. As such, the horror that impacts the most is when their nearest and dearest turn against them with soul-crushing acts of betrayal and cruelty. They’re fairly confident in their relationships, but they can’t help in watching those devastating scenarios play out on the screen. They’ll torture themselves with films like Night of the Hunter (1955), Cat People (1942), and Gaslight (1944), which makes them appreciate their loved ones all the more. Snack…if you dare! The standard cinema comfort foods, of course: popcorn with lots of salt and butter, and nachos with extra melty, gooey cheese.
Aries (March 20—April 19). Practically nothing scares an Aries. Unless it’s a feeling of vulnerability. This bold ram will never admit it, but during films like The Hills Have Eyes (1977) and Eyes Without a Face (1960), they’ll be making sudden dashes to the restroom or the snack bar. Their movie-going companion will never be the wiser, as the Aries vocally decries the long lines each time, and they appreciate the Aries’ thoughtfulness in keeping their drink refilled. The only thing that might give away the tough Aries is the tendency to hold onto their date’s hand a little too firmly. Snack…if you dare! Jawbreakers and French burnt peanuts.
Taurus (April 20—May 20). The Taurian’s worst nightmare is waking up and discovering that everything is different. Typically, the Taurus is pretty unshakeable, but throw a hefty dose of Hitchcock at them, and they’ll be questioning their own existence for hours on end. Movies like Vertigo (1954) and Rear Window (1954) are the cinematic gateways that will unsettle the Taurus in ways the most gory slasher film never can, and they may find themselves reaching instinctively for the door locks and putting up the convertible top. Snack…if you dare! Swirled candy sticks. Tasty treats that can be used in self-defense. That person over there looks pretty suspicious, don’t they?
Research Sites: Wikipedia, IMDB, and CandyFavorites.com.
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“Bringer of Nightmares and Storms.” Horror writer Willow Croft is usually lurking deep in the shadows of her writer cave, surrounded by formerly feral (but still fierce!) cats for company. Visit her here: http://willowcroft.blog.