Trembling With Fear 01/15/2017

“Dr.” Carey’s Hygienic Alternative Meats

By Carl R. Jennings

Hello friends! Do you find yourself unwilling or unable to pay the outrageous prices for the more traditional sources of meet such as beef, chicken, pork, lamb, fish, and venison? And don’t even get me started on veal—that is if you can even find it! Nor do you want to risk using another source to feed your family, such as rats or insects? Do you have any idea how filthy the average rat is? Disgusting!

I was in the same boat as you not too long ago, that’s why I started “Dr.” Carey’s Hygienic Alternative Meat! Before you press that skip button I’m not talking about those soy-based “fake meat”, like some dirty vegetarian. I’m talking about good, old-fashioned flesh-and-bone meat.
But, I hear you thinking in puzzlement, I’m not using any of the usual meat sources, what is actually in “Dr.” Carey’s Hygienic Alternative Meat? I hope you’re sitting down for this revelation because it’s going to knock your socks off! “Dr.” Carey’s Hygienic Alternative Meat uses only the best, responsibly sourced human remains!

But, I hear you cry in astonishment, why would I ever eat human meat? Therein lies the brilliance of “Dr.” Carey’s Hygienic Alternative Meat! Have you had a look around lately? Getting a little crowded in all the habitable areas on this planet, isn’t it? I mean, how do you think we came to this shortage to begin with? With sheep fields being converted to low-income housing, cattle ranges being used for prisons, and pond farms being filled in for retirement villages? How could we not find ourselves in danger of losing the venerable institution of the carnivore!

“Dr.” Carey’s Hygienic Alternative Meat, like a rising phoenix, pulls from all of those sources—the prisoners, the destitute, and the old—in order to fill the gap in the market and your stomachs. All of the dregs of society, the drains on all of our hard-earned money, can now serve a purpose once again! And, after all, isn’t that what life is all about?

If social responsibility isn’t enough to convince you to take out your credit cards just yet, let me give you and your growing hunger even more reasons to buy as many pounds of “Dr.” Carey’s Hygienic Alternative Meat products as you can afford.

Years ago, my great grandfather, Pappy Carey, owned one of the Midwest’s premiere cattle ranges. As a young kid I would sit on my father’s knee as he told me story after story of delicious cows in fields as far as the eye could see; of juicy, succulent steaks and hamburgers that they, and their wallets, all thrived on after a slaughter.

After much searching of the internet and libraries, I can proudly say that I have replicated the best practices of Pappy Carey’s cattle farm! All of our meat is as safely and cleanly prepared as it was in the good old days.

But let’s say you aren’t convinced yet; that my excellent lineage and exhaustive research hasn’t assured you of “Dr.” Carey’s Hygienic Alternative Meats’ tastiness and fitness for consumption. “But ‘Dr.’ Carey,” I hear you cry, “I don’t want to eat the same thing as a filthy and worthless Wastelander—killing and eating each other to survive!” Well do I have good news for you: All of our alternative meat products are tested for diseases such as A.I.D.S., H.I.V., all forms of cancers, viral infections such as the flu, and much, much more. Such dedication to the safety of my customer has lead, I can now reveal, to having secured the world’s first approval to serve our alternative meat products by the U.S.D.A.! That’s right, folks, your own government has placed its stamp of blessing upon all of “Dr.” Carey’s Hygienic Alternative Meat products.

But, I hear your stomachs wail, how would I even prepare human meat? Well fire up those burners and ovens, get out those pots and pans, because “Dr.” Carey has taken care of that for you too, folks. With each order of “Dr.” Carey’s Hygienic Alternative Meat I’m going to throw in a downloadable copy of our new e-cookbook, “”Dr.” Carey’s Hygienic Alternative Meat Preparation Guide”. In it I have recorded over two-dozen ways to cook our products as developed by the world-renowned chef, the late Phillip de la Nourriture. Now you too will be able to cook a scrumptious, delectable, and hearty alternative meat meal for yourself and your family.

And if you still don’t find yourself sold on the viability of my alternative meat then listen to this: if you order one pound of “Dr.” Carey’s Hygienic Alternative Meat today you will receive not one.
Not two.
Not three.

But four pounds of alternative meat for the price of one! There are many choice cuts to choose from: thigh, calf, buttock, breast, shoulder, and more! You may also choose from our line of budget processed alternative meats, including the triumphant and along awaited return of the traditional American hot dog!

And, for those of you that have already ordered “Dr.” Carey’s Hygienic Alternative Meat products from your local grocery warehouse and have found it to live up to the hype and more, why not try our brand new Customer Loyalty Program? For an insanely low monthly fee you can have your favorite cuts delivered directly to your home, straight from our facilities, by our high-tech fleet of drones. From the basic Standard Level to the exclusive Gastronomer Level, with which you’ll receive pictures and videos of our choicest stock so that you may pick out your source personally!

I’d like to see a kale farmer do that!

All of our products are backed up by our satisfaction guarantee: if you are not completely satisfied by your alternative meat product for any reason then call our fast and friendly customer representative hotline to receive a credit on your next order.

Remember “Dr.” Carey’s Hygienic Alternative Meat the next time your stomach growls for something red blooded. You owe it to society but, more importantly, you owe it to your own taste buds.

Carl R. Jennings is by day a thickly Russian accented bartender in Southwestern Virginia. By night he is the rooster themed superhero: the Molotov Cocktail, protecting the weak and beer-sodden. While heroically posing on a rooftop in the moonlight in case a roaming photographer happens by, he finds the time to write down a word or two in the lifelong dream that he can put aside the superhero mantle and utility comb to become a real author.

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Patrick Winters is a recent graduate of Illinois College in Jacksonville, IL, where he earned a degree in English Literature and Creative Writing. He has been published in the likes of Sanitarium Magazine, The Sirens Call, Trysts of Fate, and other such titles.

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Robert Allen Lupton is retired and lives in New Mexico with his wife, Sally, where they are commercial hot air balloon pilots. Robert runs and writes every day, but not necessarily in that order.

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My name is Cameron Gass. I have had short stories previously published in Bloody Disgusting and Horror Writers.com under the pen name B.B.Blazkowicz. I am a budding amateur horror fiction writer from a cultural dead zone in the middle of nowhere Ohio. I enjoy drinking Tom Collins with a zany straw and binge watching whatever happens to be on the Home Shopping Network.

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Nicole J. Simms is a UK horror writer, who also likes to explore other genres, such as crime and fantasy.

So far, she has had her stories published on websites such as Spinetinglers, where she won second place. Her story ‘The Snowflakes of Time’ can also be found in Firewords Quarterly magazine’s fourth issue.

Nicole is a regular contributor to the Horror Tree website. She writes self-doubt fighting blog posts aimed at writers, and shares tips and advice.

When she’s not writing, she loves to bake.

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