Trembling With Fear 09/18/2022

The Rider, by Jeremiah Minihan

“I almost didn’t stop.”

Harry adjusted himself in his seat and, for some reason, began to grip the steering wheel tighter. 

He looked over at her, almost as though he was an actor, feeding her the next line. But she did not respond, only giving the barest of smiles before she stared ahead. “I’m only going to Portland. I think I told you that.”

“Yeah, you did.”

Harry waited for the next words from her, but he knew they wouldn’t come.

The girl was pretty enough, with dark hair and fair skin. If Pam had been in the picture, she would have been all over him. What were you thinking; Harry, she would say loudly, a man in his fifties picking up a kid who was young enough to be his daughter? 

That is what Pam would have said if she was still in the picture. But she was not in the picture. Pam was dead.

He would wait and try again. Harry picked up people from time to time. He had the strength to overpower troubled souls. At least he thought he did. But you could never be sure what a person might be like. Even an old lady could pull a knife on you.

“I’m too chatty, Jackie. See, I remembered your name. It would be a bad thing, for a salesman, if I didn’t.”

“Fine.” The girl had propped her knees against the dashboard just like Rose used to do. He imagined Rose sitting there, sullen that her dad had to drive her to school. But that was over. Rose was in California now, doing God knows what. 

“Why are you looking at me like that, Harry?”

Embarrassed, Harry had to say something. “I don’t know. You remind me of someone.”

She laughed. “That’s one hell of a line. Your kid, I suppose.”

“No, not that at all.” But she did remind him of someone. Beth.

“Who then?” He shook his head. He had to concentrate. This stretch of highway was dull and tedious, with broad fields and the scrawniest trees you have ever seen.

There were differences. Jackie and Beth were the same height, but Beth had darker skin and hair that was of a light brown color.

Still.

“Where are you parents?”

“In Boston. What do you ask?”

“Just curious. No, that it is not it all. I suppose that I am trying to make conversation.”

“They don’t approve, if that is what you want to know.”

Harry looked down at her hand. For some reason, it seemed darker than it had been. He knew he would need to end this, to leave her beside the road. But he could not do that now.

“I don’t want to pry.”

“If you had a daughter, you would understand.”

“I have a daughter, older than you.”

“My parents want me to stay a kid, keep me in my room and all of that crap.”

When he looked at her again, her hair seemed straighter. Was she turning into Beth or was he imagining it? And her voice was it the clear voice of a young person or something deeper, hollower?

He needed to look ahead. That was the thing he had to do unless he wanted to crash. And he did not want to crash.

“Are you all right, Harry?” Was it the voice of Jackie or Beth? But he had not heard the voice of Beth for years. He wanted to think of happy images, but he could only think of the wasted-looking girl at the end of her life, nothing like the pretty girl he had played with.

“No, I’m all right.”

When you are frightened, you try to calculate the time it will take you to get to your destination. Harry knew some of the roads. He would not arrive in time to call on anyone today. He would check in at the inexpensive motel and make appointments for the morning. He had done this many times before.

“What do you remember, Harry?”

“Remember? What do you mean?” Harry spoke rapidly. Jackie or Beth? But he had just met Jackie. They had no previous life together.

“The dance.” The girl’s voice was low. “The dance. After the dance, when we first did it.” She giggled. If you have ever heard a phantom giggling, that is what it sounded like. It was horrible. 

“Yes, of course I remember.” He forced himself to look at her. She was truly Beth now, but in a more mature way than the girl he had known. “Why are you doing this?”

The rider shrugged. “I don’t know, Harry. It isn’t because of any penance I have to do. I didn’t live long enough to commit any terrible crimes.” She laughed again. “In the end I paid for everything with the pain, the dreadful pain.”

He nodded. “I know. I remember. I’m sorry.”

“You see, where I am now, we are given assignments form time to time. Today it was my turn.”

“What about the other girl? What about Jackie?”

She laughed.  “There is no Jackie. Oh, I suppose there could be, but she was just a shell.”

It wasn’t that he was going faster, but it was almost as though the car was driving itself. That wasn’t true, of course. He wanted to look across at Beth, but he knew that would be unsafe.

“What will happen?” Harry knew that he voice sounded weak.

She answered slowly. “What do you think will happen?”

There were no good answers, and Harry wanted to avoid a silly back and forth. When he looked at Beth again, she seemed to be darker. This was not the darkness of a corpse, but it could have been.

“I did the best I could, Beth, and I did not forget you.”

“Of course you didn’t, Harry. And I am not here to torment you, just to ease you into the next place.”

Harry thought he knew what she meant. But this was not possible. He had more things to do. He could reconnect with Rose. This was all ridiculous.

Harry saw the twisted tree over the next rise, and he seemed to relax. He was nodding and murmuring.

“Will it hurt, Beth?”

“No. Well, only for a moment.” She paused. “Here, take my hand.”