Tagged: Trembling With Fear

Chapter Four

                                                          

“You have to let me in, Alan. I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.”

Liz leans forward in her plush armchair and places a hand on my knee. Her soft green eyes emanate warmth, and her sharp chin wrinkles as she smiles.

“I can’t…” I mutter. “I can’t put that on you.”

“You’re my brother,” she insists. “If they’re hurting you, I need to know. Are they hurting you, Alan?”

I shrink into the couch and shake my head. She scowls, and the scene shifts. 

My arms are bound to the chair as a body is thrust before me—a young man, maybe twenty years old, with a stab wound in his abdomen. 

“Go ahead, Alan,” purrs Dr. Heart. “Do the ritual.”

They position the man under my cuffed hand so that I can touch his skin. I sob, salty tears pooling under my tongue. They tighten the restraints and I yelp. Sniffing, I swallow my tears and utter the choice words:

“Grant me permission to see—to share in your pain. Allow me into your soul so I might catch the one who did this to you.”

“How dare you!” shouts a woman in the background. It’s Liz being held by Dr. Li in the corner. 

“What do you feel, Alan?” asks Dr. Heart. “Are you scared? Is it you or the victim?”

I writhe and cry, trying to stop the reel of emotions that flicks through my brain—images of Liz mixed with the dead man’s fear, depression, and defeat. 

“You can’t do this,” Liz shouts. “I’ll call the police. You…”

Her voice wavers in and out of focus. The man’s final moments still echo through my body like an electric shock. 

“You can’t,” Dr. Li retorts. “We had a deal. You signed.”

“Screw your deal, you’re torturing my brother!”

“Alan,” Dr. Heart whispers as Liz continues to shout. “Please speak to your sister. She must calm down, or things are going to get complicated.”

“L-Liz,” I managed through my chattering teeth. “It’s okay. Don’t make them angry.”

I can barely see her face as it lingers just out of focus. But she’s shaking her head and trying to wrench herself free. 

“No!” she shouts. “You guys are monsters, you…”

I snap back to the warehouse as quickly as I left. Deja vu strikes harder than a bus as my hands remain bound against a wooden chair. Rachel is next to me, her mouth gagged and eyes wide with fear. 

“You’re back,” muses a familiar voice. Dr. Tyler rises from a small desk. She resembles her photo on the fourth floor—rounded face with piercing blue eyes and short black hair—but with additional age lines, as if carved through her skin with a scalpel. 

“Dr. Tyler?” I ask. “I assume you’re our killer.”

“Killer?” She scoffs. “I am the greatest mind of our generation.”

She drags her chair in front of me and sits so we’re face to face. 

“My, you’ve grown up since those videos,” she says, prodding my cheek with her sharp pencil. 

“Right,” I say. “You had a lot of those on your computer.”

I glance at Rachel again, who looks surprisingly calm. She must trust me to get her out of this. It’s not the prospect of death or being back in the chair again that makes my heart race. It’s her life at risk. 

“I’ve spent a long time studying you,” she says. “The others did the hard work, but their vision died when you left. It was up to me to continue their legacy.”

“And what legacy would that be?” I ask. 

She spreads her arms as if addressing a large crowd. “Fear,” she says. 

She rises from her chair and begins to pace. 

“Is fear really a weakness?” she poses. “Or is it a strength? You work with emotions, Alan, you tell me.”

I’m not in the mood for a psychology lesson, but keeping her talking is the only thing preventing my partner’s death. I remember Lara’s poster: “Fear: Poison or Prosperity.”

“Both,” I say.

“Indeed.” She claps her hands. “Fear is what drives our survival instinct. We needed fear to evolve fight or flight, yes? But what about all that useless fear that still lingers? The anxiety that drives modern society. See, that’s where fear becomes poison. What we need is an antidote.”

She pulls a thin syringe from the breast pocket of her lab coat. I’m so fixated on the instrument that all thoughts of escape drain from my brain.

“What do you mean, antidote?” I ask. 

“Haven’t you wondered what you felt when you touched Lara Henderson? I figured that you wouldn’t understand. If you did, you may have put it together faster.” She flicks the empty syringe. 

The terror re-enters my mind—a sensation of being dragged through the worst moments of her life all at once, just like the memories I experienced only moments ago. 

“You’re making a vaccine,” I manage. “Forcing people to re-live the worst moments of their lives, then harvesting their fear.”

“Look at you.” She grins. Her icy eyes dance like marionettes in the moonlight. “They said you were smart. Yes, I believe that a microdose of liquid terror would help our bodies cure themselves of fear once and for all. Humans will become limitless.”

“But why me?” I ask. “Your notes said I was the final piece. Why?”

“I thought that was the most obvious part,” she says. “From the start, I’ve been laying clues, Alan. After the terror gave Lara a heart attack, I wouldn’t have left her body in the street if I didn’t want your attention. I needed you here because you are the key. Your fear is unique because of all the outside emotions you’ve experienced. When I extract it from you, it will be the catalyst for my reaction.” She flicks the syringe again. “If you don’t mind, of course.” Tyler giggles at her joke, making my stomach churn. 

My mind works overtime trying to figure out a way around the end. Once she pricks me with that needle, we’ve served our purpose. I think I have a way, but it requires time. 

“This wasn’t your idea, though,” I say, slowly rubbing my wrist against the ropes. 

“What do you mean?” she snaps. 

“Wasn’t it Lara’s? I saw her poster. Seemed like excellent work.”

Dr. Tyler snarls and storms back to her desk. “Lara had no clue what she was talking about,” she says. “She was working under me. They were my ideas.”
“So, why’d you kill her?”

“I didn’t kill her. Well, I guess I committed the act, but her ridiculous passion got her killed. She went digging where she wasn’t supposed to—learned about my plan, and you. So, I used her for my experiment.”

“Have there been others?” I ask. “Other people you’ve killed? Victims who died of fear?”

She nods. “A scientist with one subject isn’t bound to succeed. Lara was simply made public as my beckon to you.”

I keep sawing at my bonds, hoping Dr. Tyler remains at her desk. But the purpose of her trip becomes apparent when she snatches a note and marches back, shoving it in my face. 

“Proof,” she says, “that it was my idea first.”

I don’t bother reading the theories or scribbled formulas. Dr. Tyler just gave me all the information I need to widdle out of this. 

“Okay, sure, it’s you now,” I say. “But you weren’t there when I was being researched. You didn’t actually witness my abilities; you watched them on a TV screen. If anything, the other three doctors are at least equal in the discovery.”

As suspected, her pride gets the better of her. She growls and punches me in the face. I feel blood trickle from my nose. The metallic taste graces my tongue. 

“You really want them to get credit?” she snarls. “After what they did to your sister.”

I hear Rachel struggle as the doctor hits me again. I avoid my friend’s eyes. I don’t want to see how scared she is or how disappointed I didn’t tell her about Liz. 

“I have an answer for you,” I say through a mouthful of blood. “About fear. It’s not poison. Liz was scared for me, and that’s what made her so kind. I was terrified of those doctors, but I use that fear now to do good. I use it as a reminder of my responsibility to help people, even though I couldn’t help her. You would know what kind of person I am if you’d been there.”

She leans in, her eyes dark with rage. 

“You would also know that they bound my hands every night,” I say. “You think I’d go that long without learning a few tricks?” I grin and spew blood into her open eyes. As she stumbles back, I flip my chair onto its side. I grit my teeth in preparation for the pain. Then, I apply pressure and feel my thumb snap. I wrench my hand free just as Tyler bounds towards me. In one hand is the syringe, in the other, a thin blade. She pins me to the floor, knife to my throat. 

“Do you feel the fear?” she hisses. “Let me take it from you.”

She plows the syringe into my arm. In my desperation, I reach into her pocket to find the pencil she flicked me with. With no other option, I jam it into her neck. I close my eyes as the weight of her limp body sags on my weak shoulder. As the life leaves her, her skin presses against my broken hand and I can’t help but recite the sacred words, as I absorb her final moments.

***

“You okay, Alan?”

Rachel shoves through the crowd of officers who have been showering me with questions about how I killed Dr. Tyler. Even though my abilities didn’t save me, I’m still their magician putting on a good show. They disperse when my partner arrives and wraps me in a hug tight enough to suffocate a large bear. 

“I’m good,” I say. “How are you?”

“Alive.” She chuckles and squeezes me tighter. “Jesus, Alan. I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

“Everything that’s happened to you. I never knew.”

She releases me, a look of guilt and grief in her eyes, like I’m a wounded animal she doesn’t know how to address.

“I didn’t want to burden you,” I say. “Last time I did that, it was to my sister. And that didn’t end well.”

“What happened?” Rachel asks. “You promised to tell.”

I sigh. “When I was fourteen, our family was struggling. The doctors wanted to research my abilities, so the government set up a confidential contract allowing their experiments for compensation.”

“That can’t have been allowed,” says Rachel. 

I shake my head. “The original contract was never meant to include any of the experiments they ran down the line. The compensation wasn’t enough. When my parents passed, and it was just me and Liz, we needed the money. So, when the doctors offered an under-the-table deal, we took it. That’s when the torture began.”

“God, Alan,” she whispers. “I can’t even imagine…”

“I’m not done,” I say. “I was so scared of the doctors. I never told Liz what they were doing because I knew she would get upset. We needed the money, and I was also afraid they’d hurt her if she confronted them. But one day, I gave in and I explained how they forced dead bodies upon me like meals, and made me re-live their final moments and…” I trail off and clear my throat. “Anyway, one day, they brought Liz to the lab for a special test. They wanted to see how my body would react to my own fear—seeing Liz in danger while experiencing someone else’s, a dead man’s. Liz lost her mind. I was told I needed to calm her down before she breached the contract. I tried, but I couldn’t do it. I was so scared I could barely talk. And when I woke up, Liz was gone.”

“G-gone?” Rachel squeaks. 

“The doctors said a fire broke out in all the chaos.” I shrug. “But I think the truth is pretty obvious. I told them I’d never go back—that I’d call the police if they ever came near me again. I was the greatest scientific discovery of the decade. They weren’t about to kill me. I wish I realized that sooner.” I lean against a police car and massage my aching temples. “I felt her body, you know—Liz. I went through her final moments. She was so scared and angry. But beyond all, there was a sense of loyalty I’ve felt in no other victim. So, that’s when I accepted my responsibility. I spent the next fifteen years becoming who I am today. And I swore that no one would ever see me afraid again.”

“And that’s why you never told me,” says Rachel. 

I nod. 

“Alan, I…”

I hold up a hand and allow myself a smile. She looks so much like Liz in this moment—her rageful eyes and proud posture, like she’s ready to take on the world for me. I clap her on the shoulder. 

“Don’t apologize,” I say. “It’s in the past.”

She rolls her eyes and smiles back. “You really take no pity, Alan. Won’t even let me be sorry for you.”

“Nope.”

We laugh, and the joy in her eyes is enough to tell me I did the right thing. 

“At least let me be there for you,” she says. “Promise you’ll talk to me from now on.”

“Okay,” I say. “You’ve earned that. Coffee?”

She snorts and looks up at the moon. “Sure, why not? Can I ask you something first?”

“Go ahead.”

She shifts on her heels, the purple bruises on her cheek shining in the white glow of the night. 

“Did you feel Tyler’s final moments?” she asks.

I incline my head. 

“And?”

I follow her gaze to the moon and stars above—the same stars I cursed every night I was dragged to the lab. The sky I screamed at when Liz was taken, and poured my fear into after every case since. 

“She was scared.”

Chapter Three

                                                          

I had hoped never to return to the university in my lifetime. As I approach in the dead of night, memories of guards and their strong arms wrap themselves around me like handcuffs. Sometimes, I wish those experiments never ended. That way, the accident wouldn’t have happened. She’d still be here. 

I follow the familiar route to the side entrance, locked by a fob scanner. A quick stop at home had allowed me to pick up the copy I made ten years ago when I managed to steal one from the head doctor. The punishment for my theft was twelve hours of searing pain, but those appear to have paid off. I scan the old fob, and with a flash of green, I’m in. 

The stairwell to the fourth-floor lab remains painfully similar to my day. Purple flowers speckle the off-white paint, leading up towards my agony. I focus on my feet, one step at a time, as I forge my path to the grand laboratory. The stairs open to a large plaque that’s new to me. The glass is clear with fine navy letters naming the researchers on the floor.

 

Dr. Ivory White

Dr. Desmond Li

Dr. Richard Heart

Dr. Brie Tyler

 

Pictures are displayed next to their titles, each smiling in a frustratingly professional manner. I recognize all but Dr. Tyler, who must have been hired after my time. I resist the urge to spit on the plaque and continue down the hall to the lab and offices. I peek into each dark room, my badge ready in the event of any caretakers or night dwellers. For all I know, the doctors have another subject they’re torturing once the moon rises. As I creep down the hall, a poster catches my eye—a research project by none other than Lara Henderson, dated a few years back. A bold title sits above the cluster of neuronal diagrams and charts: 

Fear: Poison or Prosperity? 

I scan the text for anything helpful in solving the author’s murder—any illicit references or backhanded comments towards faculty or research organizations. There’s nothing of the sort. It just appears to be a fine project about whether fear is useful in developing the human mind. I can certainly attest to its usefulness in solving murder cases, though I suspect that’s not what Lara had in mind. 

All that remains is the large oak door at the end of the passage—a door that’s plagued my nightmares for the past fifteen years. I draw my revolver, the metal cool against my sweaty palm. My breath comes in short rasps as I edge toward the lab entrance. My legs tremble and beg me to turn back or to call Rachel and insist she join me—anything to avoid entering that room alone. But I drain all anxiety from my brain with an image of Lara’s sightless eyes. It’s my responsibility to do this for her. I push open the door. 

The main lab is just as I remember it—normal. Standard benches poke from the walls, with shelves bending under stacks of pipette tips, beakers, and solutions labelled in black felt marker. The pungent stench of ethanol lingers as if someone recently disinfected the entire workspace. This is where the students do their work and, most likely, where Lara spends her days. But the door into the back is where I’m most familiar. 

The hidden laboratory is a freakish display of machines pulled straight from a horror movie. Long hospital beds and chairs with restraints sit beside large devices with nodes sticking out like strands of hair, slithering along the dark floor. A desk is situated near the back, where I picture the doctors sitting and observing my strapped body—listening to my screams of terror. There’s a wall of cubbies to my right, empty now, but that used to hold the dead bodies that they would force upon me. Corpse after corpse, they would flash at me, forcing me to relive hundreds of final moments—thousands of emotions evoked by every method of death imaginable. The despair re-enters my mind, as if it never left, weighing so hard on my soul that I stumble into a rolling bed. I take a deep breath and wipe the tears from my eyes. Now is no time to cry. 

I wade through the equipment to the main desk, scattered with notes. I refuse to sit where they’ve sat and choose to stand over the workspace as I inspect the scrawls. They don’t make much sense—just observations and ideas about fear and its roots. But there is one note that proves useful—a password. I enter it into the desk computer to discover folders of notes and videos. The first I see is labelled “Alan River.”

My finger hovers over the mousepad. Afternoon coffee creeps up my throat, stinging my tongue with acid and vomit. I click the first video. 

“Please! No more. I don’t want to do this. I want Liz. Please. I want Liz!”

My blood congeals at the sounds of my fourteen-year-old voice wailing. I close my eyes and exit the file before I can see anything else. Then I vomit into the trash can. Blood rushes to my head. My eyes pop from their sockets as tears and saliva drain down my chin. 

“Get ahold of yourself, Alan,” I mutter. “Find Lara.”

It takes all my strength to look back at the screen. I work some computing magic to locate the most recent open tab, or rather video. This one is labelled “Henderson.” 

I watch through squinted eyes as Lara screams at the top of her lungs. She’s strapped to the bed, her eyes closed with nodes protruding from her hair. A woman stands above her, inserting something into her victim’s arm. It’s the needle of a syringe. I can’t see her face when the doctor turns, but I’d know three of the four with my eyes closed. It isn’t any of them, which means it must be Dr. Tyler. 

I shut down the computer and scour the notes one last time. They’re all gibberish. I curse and swipe them from the table, blood pounding in my ears. Then, I spot one on the floor. It’s simple, only two sentences. But the few words still scare me worse than anything I’ve seen so far. 

 

It all comes back to River. He is the final piece. 

 

I scramble to dial Rachel’s number. Each ring hits me with a train of terror as my heart beats like a racehorse. She doesn’t answer. I call again, and this time someone picks up. 

“Rachel!” I stammer. “This is so messed up, you will never believe…” But I’m interrupted by an unfamiliar hiss that does not belong to my friend. 

“Hello, Alan. Solved the case already?”

I freeze as my ears buzz. “Who is this?” I demand. 

“I think you know. I need you, Alan. Stop poking around my lab. I think it’s time we had a little chat in person. Sending you the details. Come alone, or she dies.”

The line cuts to static. I’ve never heard that voice before, but I can guess who it belongs to. The same person I just saw in the video—the one at the bottom of the plaque, and the name of the Supervisor on Lara Henderson’s poster. Dr. Brie Tyler.

***

My sister Liz taught me more than anyone about the consequences of being afraid. Dr. Tyler has my only friend, and I’m frozen with fear, just like I was that day all those years ago—the day of the accident. The difference is that I refuse to remain paralyzed today. I swore an oath to Liz, and it’s about time I kept it. 

Tyler summons me to a warehouse thirty minutes out of town. I inform the department, but I have a head start, meaning that if Tyler bests me before they arrive, Rachel and I might both be done for. Perhaps it’s for the best, as her instructions were to come alone, but if I can’t beat her, we’re screwed.

The warehouse in question is the most stereotypical hideout I’ve ever seen. Graffiti decorates the exterior with painted murals depicting blood, bodies, and murder. A rather gruesome scene of a woman screaming sends a shiver down my back despite the warm summer breeze. I replace the paint with chalk drawings in my mind, imagining Liz colouring all over the grotesque designs. The thought gives me strength as I plow into danger.

The inside is dark and damp, with boxes stacked in sky-high piles, creating a cardboard maze. Mould clings to the corners and ceiling, spreading like leaking oil. I wind through the labyrinth, gun in hand, ready to shoot at every turn. The stench of rot, blood, and decay infiltrates my nostrils to join the aroma of fear. A small light peeks from the final turn. I raise my gun, but the force comes from behind. A figure emerges from the shadows. I see the whites of her wide eyes before everything goes dark.

Chapter Two

                                                          

As the emotional necromancer of the police department, everyone expects me to have power over fear—to reach deep into my soul and extinguish any sign of anxiety that comes with the job. My relationship with fear has taken years to establish, and by no means am I void of the pestering bug. Years of scouring neurobiological research to understand the workings of the human mind, coupled with my dives into the hearts of dead victims has granted me important perspective. Whatever fear I feel is no match to the terror of someone seconds from death. 

When I flashback to the lab—the experiments—I remind myself that it’s nothing compared to the dead. My pain doesn’t come close to comparing to those I read. So, when we arrive at Conrad Henderson’s home, I shove my anxiety from my mind and focus on Lara.

It takes three knocks for Conrad to open the door. The bags under his bloodshot eyes and the slight tremble of his hand might seem like grief to some, but I know better. The signs of regret are all too familiar.
“Hello, Mr. Henderson,” says Rachel. “I’m Detective Hillcrest, and this is Detective River. We’re here to talk to you about your sister.”

Conrad doesn’t ask for ID. He just nods and allows us into his dank living room. The stench of beer and sadness fills the space. Mysterious stains laden his small couch, which is atop a faded rug and most certainly infested by pests. I avoid his offer to sit, leaning against his kitchen counter instead. Rachel follows suit. 

“What do you wanna know?” he grunts. 

“Is it correct that you reported Lara missing yesterday at around three?” asks Rachel, taking out her notepad. 

“Yeah.” He rubs his nose and looks longingly at an open bottle on his coffee table. 

“You can have a drink after we’re gone,” I say. 

Conrad wrinkles his brow. “What else?”

“You reported her missing yesterday, yet claimed she’d be gone for two days prior. Can you explain that?”

Conrad shifts uneasily, his eyes on me. I hadn’t noticed my balled fists. 

“I didn’t know until two days ago,” he says. “The university called and said she’d missed work two days in a row. Asked if I knew where she was. Assumed she was just home sick or something.”

“Did you try to contact her?” I ask. 

“Obviously,” he drawls. “When she didn’t answer for twenty-four hours, I called you guys. I don’t see the problem. She doesn’t live here, so how the hell am I supposed to know what happened?”

“What did she do at the university?” asks Rachel. “Was she a student?”

Conrad shakes his head. “Lab assistant. Worked under a bunch of people. It made fine money but wasn’t as posh as she made it out to be.” There’s a hint of bitterness in his voice that boils my blood.

“How can you talk about her like that?” I demand. “She’s dead, and you’re going on about how she flaunted a successful career?”

Conrad glares at me, tears forming in his rugged eyes. 

“How dare you,” he spits. “Do you know how she treated me? Like a waste of space. Ever since our parents died, she never once tried to comfort me. Instead, she just shoved it down my throat how pathetic I was—how great her job was and how I’d never amount to anything like her.” His voice cracks, and he collapses onto the couch. “I loved her so much,” he mutters. “Despite everything.”

My mind is blank as I stare at the weeping man. I don’t need my ability to sense his heartbreak, grief, and overwhelming regret. My own heart sags with the weight of his tears, and my anger begins to sizzle away. 

“I’m sorry for your loss,” I say. “If it helps, I think she would have liked to apologize. I’m sure she loved you.”

Conrad looks up from his hands, cheeks dowsed. 

“How do you know?” he asks. 

I couldn’t help but reassure him, but now I have to lie. My affinity for the dead isn’t a matter of public knowledge. 

“I have a sister,” I say. “Just a guess.”

But his eyes narrow at my vague explanation. As I watch his gears turn, I wish I could take back my sentiment. 

“You’re Detective River,” he says. “Like Alan River? Did you feel my sister’s final moments?”

My heart stops. His words freeze me to the floor.

“How did you know that?” I ask.

“Lara talked about you sometimes. Said your case was fascinating—your ability to sense dead emotions or something.”

I grip the counter until my knuckles turn white. Waves of fear slam into me, clogging my lungs with thick saliva. Rachel grabs my arm.

“Alan? What is it?”

“We need to leave,” I mutter. “Thank you for your time, Mr. Henderson. We’re going to solve this case. For Lara.”

We leave Conrad bewildered in his rancid living room and storm back into the fresh air. 

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Rachel asks.

I pace up and down the sidewalk. My mind whirls like a Ferris wheel, with too many thoughts sliding out of reach. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Lara Henderson experienced the worst fear of her life before it was taken from her. If she endured that, I could overcome this wave of anxiety. 

“Lara knew who I was. Knew about my ability. That’s classified information.”

“Are you saying she had connections to the police department?” asks Rachel. “Wouldn’t we know about that?”

“The department aren’t the only ones who know.” I stop pacing and round on my partner. “Lara was a lab assistant working for the university. As a teenager, they used to run experiments—classified, of course—on my abilities.”

Rachel’s eyes widen. Her next words aren’t what I expect.

“You were experimented on?” she whispers. 

In my shock, I forgot my secret from Rachel—one of many in my questionable past. I swore never to put that weight on her shoulders. At least my other secret is still safe.

“Yes,” I say. “Do you know what this means? It means that she worked for the people who studied me.”

From Rachel’s stiff shoulders and worn face, it’s obvious she wants to question me about my childhood. I shoot her a sharp look, and she concedes.

“What does that imply?” she asks. “How does that help us?”

“It means that Lara could have known other things, too. Perhaps things that a lab assistant isn’t supposed to know.”

“You’re saying someone had her killed?”

I run my fingers through my tangled hair. I witnessed the signing of the NDAs, and the analyses ran in the dead of night to avoid lingering eyes. They were some of the worst months of my life—all to study the grand magician with his unholy powers. I remember the disgust in their eyes—the fascination but also the disapproval that anyone like me could exist. But the most terrifying memories were their faces. Even though I couldn’t see into their souls, it was clear how far they would go to push the boundaries of discovery—how far they’d go to protect their secrets. The worst memory begins to surface, but I shove it out of sight with the force of my trained mind.

“There’s only one way to find out,” I say. “We have to go to the university. We must find out what they’re working on—what she could have seen.”

Rachel folds her arms and stares at the setting sun. Darkness begins to engulf us as the orange glow fades into the horizon. 

“It’s late,” she says. “I have dinner with my family tonight.”

“Please, Rachel. Just call Wilson.”

I don’t notice the plea in my voice until Rachel grits her teeth. The fine lines of her forehead etch deeper into her skin as if my request ages her twenty years. A pang of guilt sinks into my stomach.

“I promise I’ll explain everything once this is done,” I say. “Please, Rachel.”

She approaches me in the darkness, her face shadowed by the evening. She squeezes my arm, and my heart leaps.

“Fine. But you owe me an explanation,” she says and steps away to call the commissioner.

I collapse onto the cold curb and bury my face in my hands. Conrad’s grief grinds through my body like tiny razor blades. I imagine his sister yelling at him—insisting that he’s a piece of garbage. I shiver in the warmth of the evening. I’m glad that Rachel can’t touch me and sense my emotions. 

I picture my sister’s face—her dimpled smile with eyes brighter than Jupiter in the night sky. She runs around the street in front of me, sliding her chalk along the concrete like we used to do every day. A fresh wave of guilt arrives, but it’s dull and lived-in—nothing new. I will solve this case for Lara and Conrad, even if it means confronting the monsters of my childhood. They’re not allowed to hurt anyone else. Never again.

***

Commissioner Wilson won’t let us investigate the university without a warrant. Though it’s standard procedure, it still makes me slam my toe against the curb. 

“Did you tell him what we learned?” I ask. 

“Yes,” Rachel insists. “He said to hang tight.”

The moon has taken the night, casting a looming shadow across the quiet street. Conrad’s drapes are closed, but I swear I see them rustle every few minutes. 

“I don’t know if time is on our side,” I say. “You don’t know these people like I do.”

“Alan, what did they…?” Rachel catches herself. “Look, I don’t know what to tell you. We can’t just break down the front door. You know the rules.”

Rachel’s calm demeanour scratches me with clawed nails. I want to shake her—to scream that this is the only way. Ever since Conrad spoke my name with such familiarity, my terror has been off the rocker. 

“I’m going to go see my family,” she says. “You should come. Then, if Wilson calls, we can go straight to the university.”

I shake my head. “You go. I need some time.”

She nods and moves as if to hug me. She halts, seems to think better of it, and waves. 

“I’ll call you as soon as I hear anything,” she says. “Don’t drive yourself crazy, Alan. Please.”

I watch her drive into the night, squinting at the beam of her headlights. She may be able to go home now, but I can’t. Warrant or not, I need to get into that university.