January 2022 Horoscopes: Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse
(Disclaimer: Please note that these mock horoscopes are meant for entertainment only, and are not meant to be taken as actual advice, past/present/future predictions, or in any factual, accurate, or truthful context. These horoscopes are completely fictional as a piece of creative writing, and are based on fictional scenarios, and are not meant to be accurate representations of actual people and their life situations, and/or representative of people who consider themselves to be under the guidance of these astrological signs. These horoscopes are also not meant to be considered in any astrological, actual, and/or verified scientific or psychological capacity. Meaning I made them all up out of my imagination, so please don’t make any major—or even minor—life decisions based on these horoscopes. Human zombies don’t exist. Yet.)
Capricorn (December 22—January 19). Is there a better zodiac candidate to step up and lead a band of ragged apocalypse survivors? You can depend on your reliable Capricorn to accurately calculate the amount of rations needed until the first harvest of crops that will provide the optimum nutritional supplement—to maximize labor, of course! However, save the card games until after the Capricorn has gone to bed—at the same hour. Every. Single. Night. The camp motto under Capricorn is that there’s no fun to be had until the work is done. And there is always work to be done under Capricorn’s rule. It’s as endless as the hordes of zombies growling and slavering outside the perfectly constructed fortress this hardworking goat designed. Perhaps you’d be better off on your own? However, good luck in trying to sneak out supplies and weapons from under Capricorn’s watchful eye! Worst Case Scenario: Capricorn’s practicality is ruthless, so don’t expect any sympathy for your crimes against morality and decency. At the very least, you better hope you can outrun a Capricorn in the event of a zombie invasion. Not likely, though, as Capricorns are ultimately perfect, remember?
Aquarius (January 20—February 18). If there’s any sign that will rebel against Capricorn’s need for control and order, it’s Aquarius. They often attribute their “luck” at the survival game to a higher force or energy, and they trust kismet and fate over hard work and industry. Granted, they do seem to have the cards stacked in their favor on the probability front. Aquarians will stumble across an unlooted convenience store just as they are feeling hungry, or find an abandoned RV deep in the woods just as darkness begins to fall. Worst Case Scenario: Tracking an Aquarius can lead to undiscovered resources, but it’s best to stay out of sight and hearing of this water bearer. They prefer their outcast state, and they may just decide you’re interfering with the spiritual force guiding them on their post-apocalyptic journey towards higher consciousness and given that the fates ensure they are often heavily armed—well, you can guess as to the outcome.
Pisces (February 19—March 20). If there’s a sign that can follow an Aquarius and still remain hidden, it’s Pisces. They are the most invisible sign of the zodiac, and are often more present in worlds of their own creation then they are in the real world. They have the ability to track even animals unaware, and are excellent hunters. Or would be, if they could bear the emotional impact of destroying another living being. Pisces feel everything so strongly, and this allows them to intuitively sense when danger is nearby. In the zombie-overrun world, Pisces have the skill of camouflage, and can avoid detection by standing still even in the midst of a shambling zombie horde. Worst Case Scenario: Pisces may decide that even zombies need love, and invite them inside the compound just as everyone is gathering for the evening community meal. Of which, of course, Pisces will be the sole survivor.
Aries (March 20—April 19). Aries, however, may just survive an attack by a zombie horde on sheer determination alone. Even when outnumbered 30 to 1. And with no weapons other than their bare hands. Aries will always be the first to volunteer for supply runs, and eager to participate in zombie-clearing campaigns. This strong-willed ram always jumps in with all four feet and doesn’t waste a lot of time on strategizing or over-thinking things, and is often, albeit improbably, successful. Worst Case Scenario: While Aries may have the brashness and strength to survive impossible situations, the rest of their team may not. They may find themselves outnumbered by a lot more than 30 to one, as the rest of their team has been slaughtered in about 2.5 seconds. About the only thing that can be counted on is that Aries will always emerge victorious against the enemy. Therefore, exercise caution every time an Aries impulsively decides to lead a team out on what they claim will be a simple reconnaissance mission.
Taurus (April 20—May 20). The Taurian is the voice of reason to counteract the Aries’ impatience and impulsivity, and makes a good leader for a group of people that’s decided to join forces to increase their survival. The only time a Taurus is restless or evidences extreme activity is when the routine and the stability they’ve worked so hard to create are disrupted. Their solution to the threat as posed by a zombie apocalypse is to restore everything to exactly as it was before. No supply run is launched without extensive planning to cover every minute detail, and is only allowed when the community is down to its last couple of mystery tin cans. (The Taurus doesn’t like surprises, so they would rather send a team out to collect known foodstuffs rather than risk opening an unlabeled can. Desperate times, right?) But, because of this attention to detail, the Taurus leader has not lost one person on any supply run, or perimeter defense initiative. Worst Case Scenario: The Taurian’s drive to restore everything as it had been before the zombies appeared actually begins to destroy the group. For example, implementing initiatives such as diverting water to re-create suburban green lawns, for example, while the community’s wells are running on empty.
Gemini (May 21—June 20). The world’s foremost expert on everything that is needed to survive the zombie apocalypse. Or so their charm convinces everyone except zombies. (It’s rumored, though, that a Gemini did manage to sweet-talk a zombie out of attempting to gnaw off said Gemini’s leg by convincing it to chew on its own leg, instead.) Geminis are the ones organizing the late-night card games that Capricorns frown upon. Geminis are perfect candidates for supply runs, as they are constantly scanning and assessing their environment—and other people. Besides, who ever heard of a Gemini staying back at the camp, alone, when it has a chance to go out on a camping trip/picnic with all their BFFs? Nobody, that’s who! Worst Case Scenario: Sending a Gemini out on perimeter patrol, alone. Especially with a significant portion of the camp’s rations, and one of their best weapons. Yep, you got that right. That’s the last the camp will see of that Gemini. But their next big adventure will be absolutely amazing, for sure! Just look at that mysterious trail leading up that hillside, would you?
Cancer (June 21—July 22). Cancers are Taurians’ trusty sidekicks in this post-apocalyptic world. They both yearn for the stability of home, but Cancer is its emotional heart. Or, its emotionally manipulative heart. Where Taurians’ power lies in providing stability, Cancers are experts at working on people’s emotions as a means of ensuring loyalty and commitment. That’s not to say they aren’t sincere in their emotions—for a Cancer, family is everything. Even if it’s an adopted, self-created family. Worst Case Scenario: Putting a Cancer in charge of a supply run. Not only would they be hesitant to leave the security of their home base, they wouldn’t want to send out anyone from their beloved “family” to risk their lives in the unfortified, unsecure world. Unless an Aries stepped in, the community would be facing starvation due to dwindling food resources, and not just because Cancer, like the Taurus, prefers things to remain the same, day after day.
Leo (July 23—August 22). Meet the new ruler of the post-apocalyptic world! Believe me, Leo will have plenty to say about how they are the New World’s Best Ruler without this horoscope acknowledgement. Worst Case Scenario: The Leo will probably, actually, be the new charismatic ruler of the post-apocalyptic world, living the lifestyle they’ve always felt they deserved; a mansion, a pool, a yacht, and the adoring attention of millions of slavish (if a little smelly) “fans” lurching around outside the barbed-wire gates. Leo’s world domination of the remaining human population is practically inevitable.
Virgo (August 23—September 22). Could there be a better environment for a Virgo than this post-apocalyptic world? I mean, just look at all the absolutely fabulous messes out there for the Virgo to clean up. The organizational opportunities are endless! And the only people this introverted Virgo has to deal with are dead ones. Well, alive dead ones. But at least they don’t talk, endlessly, for hours. In actuality, Virgos are probably the power behind the Leo throne (whatever you do, don’t tell the Leo that). It’s thanks to the charismatic Leo that Virgos have the volunteer work force to clean up all the rotting corpses but also to help launch initiatives to dismantle every trace of humanity’s industrialized impact upon the natural world. Worst Case Scenario: Humanity has made so much mess that it’s impossible for the Virgo to successfully organize it, and these poor Virgos become indistinguishable from the muttering zombies. Well, if zombies ran around with spray bottles, rags, and mops and buckets, cleaning everything they can get their latex-gloved hands on, that is. Good thing zombies are repulsed by the smell of white vinegar! Hang in there, my patient fellow Virgos, we’ll get there! Even if it takes thousands of years, it’s worth it! Right?
Libra (September 23—October 22). I have no idea where Libras fit into, within the apocalyptic scenario. The good news is Libras probably don’t know where they fit into this new and frighteningly changed world either. But they try. Unlike Aquarians, they will do practically everything to avoid being outcasts. Maybe someday, when the world that will arise from the apocalyptic ashes is one that embraces mediators over warmongers and survivalists, the Libras will shine as they are meant to. Worst Case Scenario: Their good nature is used for evil purposes. Why is that that humanity will never learn from its mistakes? Good thing the Libra has the Leo’s luxurious mansion to retreat into, rather than a cold and inhospitable world outside the gates. You know they’ll end up in that elite refuge, sooner or later. All the inner world’s a stage, even during the end times, and there’s always a happy ending for Libras! Break a leg, you stars of the zodiac, you!
Scorpio (October 23—November 21). Scorpios are the ones that get their hands dirty. These mysterious shadow dwellers operate under the cover of darkness. They have no love of the spotlight. In fact, it’s better they stay out of the glare of day. They aren’t bound by the same overly restrictive moral code as, say, Capricorns. In the Scorpio world, truth isn’t bound by a capital “T” and they certainly don’t waste time worrying over every little, last thing the way Virgos are prone to do. In this new world, Scorpios have no oversight committee. Not that they heeded it in the world that once was. Worst Case Scenario: No-one knows. It’s highly unlikely you’ll even know if you’re dealing with a Scorpio. Unless, of course, it’s too late, and, by then, it will be too late to even tell anyone the secrets that have been uncovered about the Scorpio.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21). If there’s one sign the Virgo can rely on during their great Thousand-Year Cleanup (as history might later call it), it will be Sagittarius. Similar to Aquarians, these questing archers are driven by a higher purpose. And that purpose is knowledge. Knowledge about themselves as well as knowledge to be obtained from books as well as from life experiences. And they can be just as fierce as Scorpios in the quest for wisdom and enlightenment, protecting themselves against both zombies and their fellow humans. Worst Case Scenario: Sagittarians might be a little too cavalier about the sources of their wisdom. Between this sign, and the endlessly cleaning Virgo, future generations of the human race may only be left with a snapshot of the human race. Which wouldn’t be such a bad thing, except it may mean the human race once again makes all the same mistakes.
Stay tuned for next’s month’s horror-based horoscopes! Have a great 2022!
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“Bringer of Nightmares and Storms.” Horror writer Willow Croft is usually lurking deep in the shadows of her writer cave, surrounded by formerly feral (but still fierce!) cats for company. Visit her here: http://willowcroft.blog, or check out her other services here: https://kirsten-lee-barger.mailchimpsites.com/.