Trembling With Fear 10-20-24

A Soul to Give, by Matt Krizan

White light flickered across the rusty rose-colored sky as the war in Heaven resumed. Emma sighed, glancing up from the empty stone fountain at the center of Kellogg Park. As a child, she’d searched for patterns in the flickers, trying to chart the course of the battles, but it was as useless as watching a football game on a muted static-filled television. 

“Sometimes I wish there was thunder to go along with it.” Emma turned at the sound of Andrew’s voice as he came alongside her bench. “It’s always creeped me out, how quiet it is.” 

Emma blinked at the sight of him, his shaved head and clean-shaven face a far cry from the shaggy-haired, bearded Andrew she remembered. 

“Yeah,” she said, eyeing him as she rose. “I know what you mean.” 

Andrew gestured toward a nearby coffee shop. “You wanna head inside?” 

Emma shrugged. “Why bother? If it spills over down here, some bricks and mortar won’t save us.”

Most of the other people milling around the park seemed to share her resigned attitude, returning to whatever they’d been doing, although a young mother with two small children frantically gathered toys and the blanket on which they’d been sitting. 

“Let’s walk.” Emma strode off, leaving Andrew scurrying to catch up. As he did so, she noticed him biting back a smile, and she remembered how he used to tease her about how fast she walked, joking about her trying to set the land speed record. 

“Thanks for meeting me,” he said. “You look well.”

“Yeah, right.” Emma snorted, brushing at the hair that had escaped her ponytail. Her standard uniform of yoga pants and whatever t-shirt her twin daughters hadn’t spit up on yet did little to hide the weight she was trying to lose.

“No, really. I’ve seen your posts: your first gallery show, the pics of you and David and your little girls—who are adorable, by the way. You look happy.”

Emma allowed herself a smile. She was happy, she had to admit. She and David hadn’t planned on having children, what with everything going on up above, but, well, pleasant surprises happen. Despite being tired all the time and worrying if her children would actually have a future, she loved being a mom. And with her career finally taking off too–

More flickers lit the sky, and Emma’s smile faded.

“So you’re purifying your soul, eh?” she said. “And you’re looking for—what? My forgiveness?”

“Yes, to the former. As to the latter, well…” Andrew paused, as if considering what to say. “I know I can’t fix or take back the things I did, the lying and the cheating. I’ve had a lot of learning and growing to do, with plenty of shame and regret to work through along the wayand plenty of money spent on therapy to work through them.” He grinned crookedly. “I am truly sorry, though, for whatever it’s worth. I would love to have your forgiveness if you’re willing to give it—making amends is part of the process, after all—but I didn’t come here expecting it. I did want to see you again, though, before I—you know.” He hesitated, then added, “I never did stop loving you.”

The silence that followed was broken only by the sound of cars cruising past where they walked along the sidewalk. Emma stared straight ahead, her jaw clenching. She thought she’d gotten over everything that had happened between them—had gotten over him—but the memories that popped up, of the lying and the cheating, were like a scab being ripped off. 

She swallowed hard, trying to push those memories away. 

“You’re really going to do it,” she said, “let the angels use your soul as ammo in this stupid war of theirs?” 

“This stupid war of theirs has been going on way too long. If using my soul as ‘ammo’ will help end it quicker…” He shrugged. “Lord knows, I haven’t done much else good down here.”

Emma arched an eyebrow, but otherwise offered no comment. Instead, she said, “So, what—you’re going to sacrifice yourself?” 

Andrew nodded.

“Doesn’t that defeat the purpose?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, it’s like they say—you live your life free from sin then commit suicide, you still go to Hell, right?”

“Are you saying I have to wait till I die of old age?”

“I’m saying, if you kill yourself, your soul’s not purified. It won’t do whatever it is purified souls are supposed to do.”

Andrew’s brow furrowed as he considered that, then he shrugged again. “Well, if I gotta wait, then—”

Another flash lit the sky, blinding in its intensity, and they both startled. This time there was sound, like fabric being torn apart, and when the light faded, a jagged streak remained, as if the sky had cracked in half. 

Emma’s eyes went wide, her gaze darting around as she struggled to remain calm. As blasé as she’d been about the fighting spilling over down here, the thought that it might actually be happening terrified her. David and the girls suddenly seemed so very far away.

Her phone chimed, and she jumped again. She didn’t have to look to know it was her husband.

“I should go. My family…”

Andrew nodded, looking way more calm than Emma felt.

She started to turn away, then paused. Her eyes narrowed as she regarded him. Could his purified soul really help bring the war to an end? Could her daughters actually be able to grow up without that threat hanging, quite literally, over their heads? 

Emma glanced around, but no one was looking in their direction. The other people out in the open scurried for cover, while the cars on the street whizzed past. She leaned in, placed her hands on Andrew’s chest, and whispered in his ear, “I forgive you.”

Then she shoved him into oncoming traffic.