July 2022 Horoscopes: What’s your Evil Archetype Alter Ego?
It’s not a surprise that horror aficionados and creators spend a good bit of time immersing themselves in the darker side of life. Paradoxically, some that are drawn to all things nightmarish and spooky often have the most gentle and mild of natures. So, for July’s collection of horoscopes, I chose to explore the common archetypes of villains that appear in creative works—but with a twist. I chose the evil archetype that could be a sign’s secret, and completely diabolical, alter ego!
Disclaimer: As always, these mock horoscopes are for entertainment only, and are not to be read as a commentary or critique about the actual personalities of individuals whose birthday falls under the signs I’ve listed here. Remember, these fictional horoscopes should not be taken with any sort of seriousness, viability, or in the context of an actual character assessment.
Gemini (May 21—June 20): The Mastermind. While Geminis do have a duality of nature that could suggest nefarious plotting and planning behind the scenes, the truth is they operate more from unfettered instinct than deliberate intention. But once the Gemini’s evil alter ego emerges, they’ll channel their free-ranging spirit into a precise blade crafted for maximum damage. And those that they’ve manipulated to do their bidding will have no idea until it’s too late. And no-one will even suspect the seemingly innocent and playful Gemini as the instigator of such terrible atrocities its alter ego has always yearned to inflict. Tools of Destruction! Items that look innocent but which are actually lethal. Frisbees with sharp knives that pop out when you grab them. Merry-go-rounds that will never let their riders off.
Cancer (June 21—July 22): The Machine. Cancers are plagued by their own emotions, which are never very far from the surface. When they dream of alter egos, it’s of those who have complete control over their feelings. Once liberated from the endless ebb and flow of their moods, the Cancer can finally act from a place of impartiality, far removed from any sort of conscience. Once their alter ego manifests itself fully, these once soft-shelled crabs will systemically and logically unleash apocalyptic annihilation upon the planet. Tools of Destruction! Replacing their hearts and minds with reclaimed machine parts, wires, and the latest in AI programming.
Leo (July 23—August 22): The Beast. The majestic Leo is the soul of refinement and class. They would never dare act with any sort of vulgarity or display socially unacceptable behavior. In fact, they may even feel that members of the animal kingdom conduct themselves with more poise and grace than many people do. So when the Beast roars its way out of the shadowy recesses of the Leo’s personality, it is often with all the stereotypical fury of Nature’s non-human inhabitants. In stark contrast to this leonine zodiac sign’s elegant tastes, this archetypal Beast won’t hesitate in consuming anything that crosses their path. Leo’s alter ego won’t even mind when their usually luxurious coat becomes soiled with the remnants of their hasty meal. Once this proud lion regains control of themselves, it will take every ounce of their charm to convince investigators they had nothing to do with the rampage. Tools of Destruction! Custom-made sharp claws and artificial teeth for ripping into their victims.
Virgo (August 23—September 22): The Personification of Evil. Virgos have always been, perhaps unfairly, viewed as quiet, unassuming, and modest folks. And, of course, it’s completely true. Virgos get things done without fanfare—they’re extraordinarily hard workers. It’s this very same work ethic that will drive the Virgo’s dastardly alter ego to appear. They’ll apply that same level of quiet persistence to becoming as completely and thoroughly evil as possible. Their evil archetype transformation will be so complete; the Virgo will hardly be recognizable. As despicable as Virgo’s alter ego now is, it’s probably completely warranted. Let this be a lesson to those who either exploit this industrious sign in the workplace, or underestimate and dismiss them on a routine basis. And, word of warning, don’t ever, EVER, touch anything on a Virgo’s desk without their permission. Or even with their permission. Tools of Destruction! Perfectly sharpened pencils.
Libra (September 23—October 22): The Fanatic. Libras, of course, are way too balanced and even tempered to have an evil, archetypal alter ego lurking within, right? Wrong! This zodiac sign may be secretly curious about what it feels like to take things to the extreme in relation to their personal beliefs and ideas. Next thing you know it, the Libra has created an entirely new religion, gathered together an enormous following of people, and then, just as suddenly, comes back to their exquisitely balanced senses. Well, mostly. If you don’t count that they abscond with all the funds, and use it to buy that remote, private, tropical island they’ve always dreamed about. Tools of Destruction! Pages upon pages of sacred texts as revealed to the Libra by a mysterious deity. That, and some handy offshore bank accounts.
Scorpio (October 23—November 21): The Anti-Villain. How could there be an evil archetype for the already villainous Scorpio? Inconceivable! But there is an alter ego that could represent this crafty Scorpion. That’s a villain that does absolutely terrible things, but somehow still manages to have redeeming or appealing qualities. The Scorpio’s evil alter ego is a killer in more ways than one…they can also slay with their charm and maybe even a sense of a higher purpose. All of which will cause the Scorpio to run screaming from their said alter ego. Until, of course, they find a way to manipulate it to their advantage. But then, they wouldn’t be an Anti-Villain, anymore, would they? Tools of Destruction! A box with a cat in it that’s both alive and dead, perhaps?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): The Bully. Any forays into the dark side of the soul would be inner journeys for this zodiac sign. Sagittarius wouldn’t bother in exploring physical manifestations and outlets for any of their sublimated evil tendencies. They will always be a self-contained unit in many ways. Until their evil alter ego raises its ugly head. And ugly it probably will be. The Sagittarius may be plagued with its own lesser aspects of their personality. And it will be hard to determine which this noble archer will detest more; their own weakness of character in their bullying activities, or the fact that they’re wasting their energy and time on interfering with other people’s paths rather than investing it on their own personal journey. Tools of Destruction! Secretly hoping they will receive a comeuppance by way of those they are bullying.
Capricorn (December 22—January 19): The Criminal. The left-hand path for this stolid, rule-abiding sign is being drawn into some sort of criminal enterprise. And the alter ego will merrily embrace this. Even the Capricorn tires of crossing the “T’s” and dotting the “I’s” all the time. And you can bet that the trusty goat will execute the perfect plan to rob that bank or pilfer the jewelry store. Capricorns will already be successful both financially and professionally, so, when their evil alter ego departs, they’ll find a way to donate their spoils to a charity in need. Tools of Destruction! Tools, of course! Not that the Capricorn needs any excuse, evil or otherwise, to visit their favourite local hardware store, right?
Aquarius (January 20—February 18): The Corrupted. Because Aquarians are so enamoured of achieving higher states of consciousness and being, that makes their fall into their evil archetype all the more disturbing. They may not even realize their alter ego has taken over, and they could perceive the illegal acts they committed as only happening in a mystical, metaphysical dimension. It’s hard to say for sure. Not even the authorities may be able to prove crimes took place, and the Aquarius will wander away from its alter ego and back to themselves, soon enough. But they may wonder how that priceless piece of art ended up on their wall, or why they suddenly find themselves in a warehouse full of smuggled goods. Tools of Destruction! A closet full of stealth gear.
Pisces (February 19—March 20): The Authority Figure. Pisces, on the other hand, is fully aware of their evil archetype. It’s always whispering to them, urging them to be what they aren’t. If they could just make up their minds about it. If they didn’t have such a big heart. If they could just be more callous. If they could just be more determined. And then they give in to their alter ego. And the power tastes so, so good! They give orders. They lay down mandates. They conquer entire kingdoms. They have whole worlds cowering at their feet. They sit high on their gilded throne, and relish the weight of their bejeweled crown upon their head. And the Pisces is utterly, terribly, excruciatingly alone. Tools of Destruction! Cake. Lots and lots of cake.
Aries (March 20—April 19): The Henchmanperson. For this alter ego evil archetype exploration, suspension of disbelief will definitely be needed. It will be hard to imagine the fierce Ram as anyone’s underling, there solely to do the bidding of someone like the Mastermind. The only way that this can be sold to the combative Aries is the opportunity to get into plenty of brawls. But even the lure of scrapping with others will wear off when the Aries realizes they have no clear idea of why they’re fighting. Especially when it’s a fight they didn’t instigate. But the Aries always knows how to win, and soon they may be the Mastermind of their own evil enterprises. Tools of Destruction! Broken bottles, bricks, pieces of wood…whatever happens to be lying around.
Taurus (April 20—May 20): The [Gender Neutral] Femme Fatale. If the domestic-minded Taurus can plan a dinner party for a large group of friends and family, they can certainly manage the machinations as required by the evil archetype of the Femme Fatale. Especially if those wiles are needed for a high-stakes covert op. As long as the Taurus wasn’t required to betray their nearest and dearest, they’ll love the chance to step outside of their comfort zone for a little while. A very little while, that is. Tools of Destruction! A whole new designer wardrobe! Luckily for the Taurus, their alter ego wasn’t so depraved that they removed the tags from all the clothes, and they were able to return them the very next day for a full refund.
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“Bringer of Nightmares and Storms.” Horror writer Willow Croft is usually lurking deep in the shadows of her writer cave, surrounded by formerly feral (but still fierce!) cats for company. Visit her here: http://willowcroft.blog.