February 2024 Horoscopes: Love in the Time of Noir!

Ready to go on the lam with your one-and-only? Check out these match-ups with the noir-ish criminal of your dreams!

Disclaimer: These are mock horoscopes and are meant for entertainment purposes only, and are not representative of any particular person or people.

Aquarius (January 20—February 18). If you fall in love with an Aquarian, be aware that you will probably always be playing second fiddle to their insatiable curiosity. Especially when it comes to heady metaphysical concepts or unexplained mysteries. But even otherworldy Aquarians need to eat, and it’s a good thing you love to nurture and pamper your sweet soulmate. Still, you’ll need to have a strength of your own if you’re to follow intrepid amateur investigators like Mary Gibson (The Seventh Victim) on their terrifying journey into the heart of a “Satanic cult”. Making the Getaway: Having a romantic brunch at the Dante in NYC (the one featured in the movie https://www.dante-nyc.com/) is a must, but the showstopper of the trip—one that’s exciting enough to even pull an Aquarian’s head out of the clouds, will be the stay in the creative hotspot-turned-luxury-hotel, the Chelsea. At least briefly, until they start communing with the hotel’s myriad ghosts. https://hotelchelsea.com/

Pisces (February 19—March 20). Be prepared to dive deep in the murky ocean of a Piscean’s emotions. They float along on currents of daydreams and wistful longings, yet even in a gentle Pisces, these undercurrents can stir things up between a couple, for better or for worse. Pisces love to be nurtured, but if something isn’t measuring up to their romantic beliefs, things can get ugly fast. Your Ellen Berent-like socialite (Leave Her to Heaven) is charismatic and mysterious, and you may find yourself falling for them with that first lingering eye contact across a crowded room. You’ll woo them with all the old-fashioned romantic sensibilities rarely seen outside of a Victorian novel, but beware letting reality take hold too much. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve spent the weekend together, or twenty years together, don’t skip the Saturday morning breakfast-in-bed ritual, and never resort to wearing your tattered nightclothes around your darling Pisces. Keeping your Pisces happy is paramount…else you may find yourself wondering at that bitter aftertaste in your evening cocktail. Making the Getaway: You’ll want your sweet Pisces to experience the quaint charm of Warm Springs, Georgia for themselves. From the cozy old-fashioned hotel to the sophisticated atmosphere of the wineries, Pisces will love feeling like they stepped back in time. https://www.exploregeorgia.org/city/warm-springs

Aries (March 20—April 19). You’ll always know where you stand with your Aries lover, as they’re not one to mince words. They may not be one to whisper sweet nothings in your ear, but they’ll definitely ride to your chivalrous defense in true knightly fashion. Get used to being the voice of reason in this relationship—that, and bailing them out of jail. Or out of scrapes, in general, as they’ll put their emotions where their fists are. Be prepared to take the good with the bad with your dangerously dapper Johnny Slater (Odds Against Tomorrow). Making the Getaway: You’ll charm Aries with a spooky trip to New York via the “Haunted History Trail”. Just make sure to ply the Aries with plenty of the other sort of spirits to keep them from brawling with everyone they meet! https://hauntedhistorytrail.com/

Taurus (April 20—May 20). Your noir love match will be Gagin from Ride the Pink Horse. As befits a typical Taurus, Gagin is loyal to a fault, and will commit whatever crime is necessary to put things right. Even in the original novel, the main character in Dorothy B. Hughes’ Ride the Pink Horse has a strong sense of justice, albeit one that deviates from the norm. With this steadfast Taurus as your love match, you’ll at least be secure in the knowledge that, come hell or high water, they’ll always have your back. So, when the mysterious stranger drifts into your cantina, buy them a drink before they slip back into the dark desert evening. They’ll definitely remember to “owe you one”. Making the Getaway: The historic La Fonda Hotel is featured in the movie, so it will be a perfect place to spend Valentine’s day. Soak in the amazing designs by Coulter before heading off to the spa, and close out the night with a fiesta party of your own at the hotel’s La Fiesta Lounge. Perhaps you’ll even catch sight of a few of the hotel’s ghosts, whose own love affairs ended in tragedy. https://www.lafondasantafe.com/

Gemini (May 21—June 20). The Gemini’s dual nature makes them hard to shop for on Valentine’s Day—and even harder to please. In noir terms, this mercurial spirit might even be unsure of who they are from moment to moment. If your romantic paths cross with a Julia Ross-type and all their “twists-and-turns” escapades (film: My Name is Julia Ross, based on the Gilbert novel The Woman in Red), take them at face value, and their word, and wait to purchase their gift, or plan the date, until you discover which aspect of their personality they are exploring that day. Otherwise, you’ll have sprung for that exotic sailing cruise only to discover they’d rather be visiting the gourmet hot dog food truck and playing multiple rounds of miniature golf. Making the Getaway: You couldn’t go wrong with simply booking a room in the mystical Cornwall area—say, at the unusual Bodmin Jail Hotel—and then simply stock a gift basket with a wide array of “things-to-do” brochures of all Cornwall has to offer (including miniature golf!). https://www.visitcornwall.com/

Cancer (June 21—July 22). Your Cancerian love interest will intrigue you from first sight, because you’ll feel there’s unseen depths lurking beneath their placid surface. No matter how deep you dig, you’ll always feel like there’s something more here, hidden away. You’ll delight in evermore grandiose gestures for your mysterious crab, hoping one of them will be the trick to crack open their hard shell. It’s best to build a shell of your own, to protect your emotions. You’ll never know when your Cancer will reveal themselves to be akin to Nicole Horner in the 1955 French noir thriller, Les Diaboliques. Making the Getaway: Maybe skip that picturesque French chateau, no matter how much you want to impress your Cancerian sweetheart, and book a hotel in the bustling heart of Paris instead. https://www.l-hotel.com/

Leo (July 23—August 22). Vibrant Leo is all about living life to the fullest…they are the most hedonistic sign of the zodiac, and the most classy and refined. Art, elegant furnishings, and designer fashions are all elements that will catch the Leo’s eye. But it’s not all just surface looks…there has to be a certain charisma of personality or an unusualness to a person’s energy present in order to keep Leo intrigued. And lavish displays of money can’t help either in holding onto the lion’s heart. For Leos, love is a game, and, like Lady Fenton in Blind Date, they’ll probably be one, if not several, steps ahead of you. But if you hang onto the hem of their luxury garb, you’ll be the envy of everyone you know, and your life will be more exciting than you can possibly imagine. Just don’t try to control your proud Leo. Making the Getaway: Leo, as fashion-forward as they are, still can’t equate modern luxury with old-world elegance, so you’ll need to book them a room in someplace like Hazlitt’s Hotel during your whirlwind trip to London. https://www.hazlittshotel.com/

Virgo (August 23—September 22). The Virgo can be quite quixotic—they embrace all things practical, and are expert researchers and scholars, yet they are also prey to a (hidden) fantastical imagination. Think of them as a mash-up between Mulder and Scully, and yet somehow Virgo makes it work through a careful mental and emotional balancing system. Your film noir sweetheart will make their appearance in the film Kiss Me Deadly (based on the Mickey Spillane book Kiss Me, Deadly) make the most careful researchers in this quest for knowledge, yet they also embrace the most fantastical theories and love unexplained mysteries simply by virtue that they are unexplained. Your Virgo soul mate on the surface will be the dedicated and determined private investigator Mike Hammer, but will secretly be the film’s mysterious Christina Bailey, who quotes a Rossetti poem, or Velma, whose intellectual curiosity is an irresistible force of nature. While you may think they want you to be their “happily ever after” they really want to be the “one that got away”. Making the Getaway: While modest Virgo is not typically wowed by lavish displays of wealth and luxury, they’ll be unable to resist temptation when you whisk them away for a private weekend getaway at the Hollywood Athletic Club (where a key scene from the movie was filmed). https://www.thehollywoodathleticclub.com/

Libra (September 23—October 22). Starting a relationship with Libra can be complicated by virtue of their tendency to have things in balance, sometimes in contradiction to what is practical or realistic at the time. This does make this sign a good arbiter of justice (think William Somerset in Seven), yet sometimes the decisions they make trouble even the well-balanced Libra. Instead of big, sweeping, romantic gestures, Libras appreciate quiet support and a good listening ear as they try to work out their existential quandaries to arrive at the most appropriate decision—and that’s after a careful and thorough internal weighing of all the factors. Making the Getaway: Book you and your partner a retreat experience such as the one offered at Spirit Rock: https://www.spiritrock.org/programs/retreats. Libras often need their hearts, minds, and spirits refreshed to not only stay in balance themselves, but to help others find their center.

Scorpio (October 23—November 21). Scorpios are probably the perfect zodiacal epitome of noir. Brilliant, manipulative, and darkly fascinating; they’ll win over your minds, your heart, and your…ahem, well, moving on. Even a staid Taurus has been known to fall for the charisma of a Scorpio, mainly because the Scorpio has its own definition of staunch loyalty. As reflected in the character of Eleanor Iselin in the 1962 film, The Manchurian Candidate, power and strength can definitely be alluring qualities in your romantic partner. Buckle up, sit back, and enjoy the ride! Making the Getaway: Book that private jet as you fly you and your partner into adventure and intrigue. I’m not just talking about the private event at the International Spy Museum, but the weekend stay at the Scandal Room at the historical Watergate Hotel! (Psst: The Spy Museum can also host your wedding when you return to tie the knot.) The International Spy Museum: https://www.spymuseum.org/. The Watergate Hotel’s Scandal Room: https://www.thewatergatehotel.com/accommodations/rooms/scandal-room

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21). As Sagittarians tend to go where the day takes them, they’ll often find themselves on the wrong side of the tracks…or the law! If you, too, like your dates to be on the wild side, you’ll fall lock, stock, and barrel for Annie Laurie Starr from Gun Crazy. Just make sure you bring plenty of ammo to keep the trigger-happy Starr loaded—you’ll need it after you robbed your first bank together. That, and an escape plan to a country without an extradition policy. Preferably somewhere where you two can retire in style with all your loot. Making the Getaway: Not only can you get hitched faster than you can say “speeding bullet”, but when you choose one of Battlefield Vegas’s shooting range packages, you can choose from options like video-game inspired, or historical-event inspired. Plus, nothing says undying love like crushing a car with a tank, right (yes, you really can!)?

Capricorn (December 22—January 19). The way to your Capricorn’s heart is through their work ethic. But hardworking and steadfast Joe Fabrini from They Drive at Night is not a bad choice for your happily ever after, especially when you know his dedication and drive will make a success of the trucking business he’s starting with his brother. Although Capricorn might not be the most demonstrative of partners, they will prove their loyalty time and again…to their family, to their friends, and most of all, to you. They’ll work even harder to make sure you never want for anything. Making the Getaway: Capricorn pushes themselves so hard, you’ll need to make sure they take a break from behind the wheel. They’ll still have to have the feeling of being in motion, so perhaps book a “slow travel” train trip—one enough off the beaten path to keep them from heading back into work to deal with an “emergency”. May I suggest South America’s Andean Explorer? https://www.belmond.com/trains/south-america/peru/belmond-andean-explorer/about