November 2022 Horoscopes: Travelling Through Time . . . and Plagues!

Let’s all hit the road* this November . . . in a time machine! If you’re feeling as restless as I am, and you’re curious to find out where you’ll have the vacation of a lifetime, check out the horoscopes below!

(*I hardly need to include that key quote from a certain wild-haired cinematic scientist, do I?)

Disclaimer: As always, these horoscopes are mock horoscopes and are meant for entertainment purposes only. (However, if you really do have a time travel machine, don’t forget to invite me! I won’t tell anyone, I promise!) Also, I probably took some creative liberties with actual history, so while I always rely on my research and knowledge, if you’re looking for historical truth with a capital T (which is always debatable, either way), I’d suggest finding sources that aren’t fiction-based horoscopes. Just sayin’!

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Scorpio (October 23—November 21). Set the navigation for the swashbuckling Golden Age of Piracy! Not only will Scorpios get to pillage and plunder alongside the era’s most colorful pirates, they’ll get to fill their pockets with pieces of eight. Don’t spend it all in one place, though, because just think how much all that loot will be worth by today’s standards! This mischievous scorpion will have even more fun by spreading rumors of buried treasure while they secretly stash the treasure in their time travel machine. They may even go so far as to create a mysterious map where X only marks the spot to a large pile of broken rum bottles they left behind. Don’t worry, though, the Scorpio’s made sure the time machine was well-stocked with rum to fortify themselves for the trip back home. Hope you were vaccinated! The Scorpio that’s planning to sail the open seas should definitely take advantage of any and all possible vaccines they can before they depart. But one of the most important things they should smuggle into their chest is a vitamin C supplement! That way, scurvy remains a colorful curse, and doesn’t result in the fierce scorpion losing all their teeth.


Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21). What adventurous Sagittarius can resist the opportunity to experience Hannibal’s crossing of the Alps, and solve this historical mystery for once and for all! However, this secretly sensitive archer may find themselves disheartened to witness the plight of the nonhuman animals during this crossing, and instead use their time machine to zip into the far future. Once there, the Sagittarius will enlist help to launch a full-scale animal rescue mission, thus saving the horses, mules, elephants, and any other drafted animals just in the nick of time! Hope you were vaccinated! Antibiotics, maybe; but definitely don’t forget the water purifier, plenty of soap, and, at the very least, antibacterial hand sanitizer—good strategies to avoid contagion by way of zoonotic diseases.


Capricorn (December 22—January 19. Hmm, let’s see, here. Science, reason, logic…and idealism? Once they get done checking items off their to-do checklist, and packing their time machine in the most efficient and organized way possible, Capricorn will head off to the Age of Enlightenment and immerse themselves in the salons and the coffeehouses of the day, and writing philosophical treatise after treatise. The only problem Capricorn could face is having to return to the 21st century, after experiencing this dynamic intellectual and progressive environment. If it hadn’t been for the natural end of the Age of Enlightenment, Capricorn would most likely live there forever and ever. In theory, though, perhaps it was Capricorn who invented the time machine…for just this sort of purpose! Hope you were vaccinated! Well, Capricorn will probably go ahead and get vaccinated against smallpox. Although it might be over preparation on the goat’s part, it’s at least an item they can satisfactorily check off their checklist!


Aquarius (January 20—February 18). Aquarius will probably make the expected choice for their sign. They’ll set their time travel machine to whisk them back to the time when the Mayan culture was still in existence in search of the revelations the people there might hold about the past, present, and future. It’s a good sign this water bearer is patient, and can wait until just the right time to rescue the Mayan books and document any other items before they’re destroyed, planning to return these things to the future descendents of the Maya. Aquarius, though, may realize that returning to their own timeline is not their pathway through this expansive universe, and they may decide to remain lost in the sands of time and space, permanently. Hope you were vaccinated! Aquarians would be tempted to put their own health and wellbeing in the hands of fate, but they would also be very cautious about bringing any modern-day pathogens back to the past and they will take every possible precaution needed for their visit to the Maya.


Pisces (February 19—March 20). Pisces will struggle when presented with the opportunity to travel through time. I mean, where do they even start? They’re already feeling the pressure to save the world in their own timeline, so how do they cope with trying to fix everything that’s gone horribly and terribly wrong during the entire course of people’s history? Luckily, though, gentle and empathic Pisces will have a trusted companion that will help guide them through this time travel journey, thus ensuring Pisces will have nothing but good memories and will be rejuvenated and inspired enough to set about changing the world for the better once they return home. Such opportunities could include a glamorous night spent on the Titanic, the chance to see a live Shakespeare play, and being dropped right into the heart of the Harlem Renaissance. Hope you were vaccinated! In addition to having to undergo a medley of protective and preventative vaccines like Aquarius, Pisces’ travel partner may have to be the more practical-minded of the duo, and prepare emergency kits in case they can’t get to the time travel machine in time to avert disaster. (Inflatable life rafts would be my suggestion! Or a nice Victorian-era dagger for self-defense!)


Aries (March 20—April 19). Aries will immediately start training in order to go back in time and compete in the Greek Olympics! And they will train in every event offered at the early Olympics so as not to miss out on the Aries version of this opportunity of a lifetime! No matter how brazen and determined and fierce this combative ram is, they’ll definitely be glad to hop (or limp!) back into their time travel machine to take advantage of 21st century medical care. Well, if they manage to leave the stadium alive, that is. Hope you were vaccinated! Flu vaccine and typhoid vaccine. However, in the case of viral hemorrhagic fever or typhus, there’s no vaccine (as far as I can tell). Luckily, though, the Olympics are a religious event, so Aries better start praying to the Greek deities as soon as they land!


Taurus (April 20—May 20). While Taurus typically loves their hearth and home, they would totally embrace the opportunity to experience the traditions and practices that existed in the past. After they’ve made the inside of their time travel machine as cozy as possible, they’ll immediately jump back in time to visit the ancient Kingdom of Kush, the site where many Nubian queens ruled, to great success, acclaim, and notoriety. They’ll be fascinated by a society that’s shaped by the strength of these powerful and savvy women, and will be keen to know more about the traditions belonging to their culture. Hope you were vaccinated! Drink lots of locally made beer, according to the Wikipedia article: (Shouldn’t be a problem, right?)


Gemini (May 21—June 20). Aside from the almost certain circumstance that the Gemini will quickly burn out their time machine by wanting to be everywhere at once, they’d probably settle on visiting the Druids of the ancient Celtic cultures. Maybe the draw lies in that there is still so much that is not known about them, or perhaps it’s the romantic association with the Fae folk and old-world magic and mysteries that lie outside the realm of consciousness. No matter what the motivation is, Gemini will be among the first to be dancing skyclad under a full moon, perhaps while the Celtic druids look on in confusion—as confused as historians might be when a strange ritual suddenly appears in ancient societies, and possibly leading others to conclude it was the result of, say, alien visitations. Hope you were vaccinated! It’s hard to say, as the ancient Celts didn’t have written records, but Gemini is usually the gambler of the zodiac, especially since they would be thrilled to see the Druids’ medical and healing knowledge used in actual practice in the field.


Cancer (June 21—July 22). Underneath that polished carapace, Cancer may have a macabre streak running through them. This darker side could lure them into the tumultuous environment surrounding the French Revolution. But it won’t be enough for the crab to drop into the middle of the actual revolution—they’ll want the contrast of the society that existed just before the revolution, and perhaps even just after, if they have the patience to absorb all the human drama swirling around them in currents that could threaten to sweep the crab away into the maelstrom. Regardless of the danger, they’ll adore swimming through the decadent court of Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI, but they’ll be equally as entranced with the fervor and idealism of the revolution—and its macabre nod to the guillotine by way of the period’s fashion trends. Hope you were vaccinated! The Cancer might feel they should be less concerned about protection from diseases, and more concerned about having a ready retreat plan should they feel an arrest looming! But a smallpox vaccination wouldn’t hurt, either.


Leo (July 23—August 22). While Leo would undoubtedly visit an era that would surround them with art, theatre, knowledge, scientific advancement, and the very best amenities that the culture could provide, the showy lion would also hope for something with a distinctive flair. The Leo would cram its luggage into every available corner of the time machine, and head off to the Ottoman empire. Well, to the elite circles of the Ottoman empire, of course! Everything would be so alluring that the Leo wouldn’t even know where to start. Should they bask in the sun at one of the gardens, curl up in a corner in a library with a good book, or arrange for a private viewing of local art? In the end, the Leo won’t be forced to decide—they have a time machine, after all! It would be as easy to go back in time as it is to hit the rewind button on a movie player. Hope you were vaccinated! The Leo never wants to take risks with their vibrant health, so they’ll make sure to get vaccinated against the plague (Y. pestis) before they leave.


Virgo (August 23—September 22). Could Earth sign Virgo bloom anywhere else but in the Romantic Era? Not only will they feel they’ve found a safe place to express their innermost emotions without being subjected to ridicule or mockery, they’ll be able to freely display their even deeper connection to nature and nonhuman animals. They can leave scientific impartiality behind in the time machine, and they’ll be able to fulfill their sacred dream of becoming an artist. Or simply lounge about and dream of all the fairies and mythological creatures their inner child heart yearns to make real. The world they’ve entered is so magical it won’t matter that all their star wishes never came true back home. And, even though it sounds morbid, the Virgo can also hope for a tragic death that’s as equally poetic as the material they created—a demise that will forever be immortalized in a painting done by one of their Romantic companions. Hope you were vaccinated!  Did you not read the part about Virgo’s poignantly tragic death above?


Libra (September 23—October 22). With their acquisition of the time machine, Libras may discover a yearning for travel and adventure outside of the modern-day car/train/plane options. They want to journey without GPS or even a map! So, once they land in their time machine, they’ll hop on the Viking longship that’s just about to depart for an indeterminate location. The Libra may disappear not only from its own timeline back home but from recorded history in this timeline as well. Perhaps they were among the settlers that landed in Greenland, Iceland, or Vinland. Or maybe they were among the raiders that invaded Britain. As the Libra left their time travel machine back in Scandinavia, they would be reliant on a longship for a return trip. Unless, of course, they “landed” in Valhalla, which may be considered a fair trade, although they may miss the sound of the waves lapping against a ship’s hull, and the feel of the salt air on their skin. Hope you were vaccinated! Valhalla might have awaited the Vikings after they died, but it seems that Vikings were especially prone to picking up some fun internal voyagers of their own: roundworms, tapeworms, and liver flukes, for example. Bring those prescriptions aboard, just in case!

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