March Horoscopes: What Grows in your Spooky Garden?
As a lot of green-thumbers out there seem to be planning and prepping for their Spring gardens, this month’s batch of horoscopes digs into which plants are most likely to be sprouting up in your own garden of dark delights!
(Disclaimer: Please note that these mock horoscopes, and any other information included within, are meant for entertainment only, and are not meant to be taken as actual advice, past/present/future predictions, or in any factual, accurate, scientific, or truthful context. Also, not being an expert on horticulture or other areas included in these fiction-based horoscopes, and any mistakes in the plant/tree representations are my non-horticultural-expert own. Still, it should be said that these plants may be highly toxic and poisonous and can harm not only people, but pets/animals as well—not to mention potentially invasive and/or non-native. Use caution, do your own research, and consult an expert if you decide you want to plant any of these potentially poisonous/venomous plants! And definitely, absolutely don’t consume them!)
Pisces (February 19—March 20). For a Pisces, any green, growing things found in their garden only serve as a complement to the extensive amount of water features in their yard. Weeping willows, cattails and other reeds, cascading waterfalls, bubbling fountains, artificial ponds stocked with exotic piranhas or red lionfish, and maybe even a resident snapping turtle or two, will grace this water-loving sign’s garden. Most horrifying horticulture picks for Pisces: Water Hemlock, Arrow Arum, Cardinal Flower, Water Lettuce, Lily of the Valley, Swamp Lily (and genus Calla in general), Marsh-Marigold, Waterwheel Plant.
Aries (March 20—April 19). The Aries garden can be summed up with one word: low-maintenance. And this isn’t just because the Aries has little patience for garden cultivation—they have the most respect for plants that can take care of themselves. Think desert-inspired rock gardens, drought resistant plants, and ones that have their own defense system built right in; like cacti, for example, or flowers with very sharp thorns. Most horrifying horticulture picks for Aries: Jumping Cholla, Stinging Nettle, Firethorn, Agave, Yucca, Azaleas, Rhododendrons, Pampas Grass.
Taurus (April 20—May 20). The Taurian taste in landscaping will lean towards greenery that is capable of putting down deep or widespread roots. Therefore, trees, over plants or groundcovers, are the way to the Taurus’s horticultural heart. Just be careful about taking a snooze under one of these shady and sinister sentinels, though! Most horrifying horticulture picks for Taurus: Manchineel Tree, Hemlock, Black Locust, Bunya Pine, Milky Mangrove, Sandbox Tree, Strychnine Tree, Namibian Bottle Tree, Common Yew.
Gemini (May 21—June 20). Given the dual nature of this sign, it’s safe to assume that their landscaping might have similar duplicitous qualities. The Gemini’s yard will be overrun with plants and other greenery that look or smell like something else in order to lure insects and other non-plant life forms to them in order to achieve pollination or something more nefarious—like a meal! But don’t fault them, as it’s merely a form of adaptation in the name of survival, after all. Most horrifying horticulture picks for Gemini: Moonseed, False Morels, certain Orchids, Carrion Flowers, Sundew, Pitcher Plant varieties, Dewy Pine…and the Venus Flytrap, of course!
Cancer (June 21—July 22). The Cancer types can be defined as the nurturers of the zodiac, and their horticultural preferences reflect their comfort-seeking and giving personality—unless, of course, one is foolish enough to reject the Cancer’s care and attention, that is! Like the Cancerian itself, these growing wonders can have both healing/sustaining and harmful/lethal effects for either humans or animals, or both. So don’t get on their bad side! Most horrifying horticulture picks for Cancer: Tomatoes/Tomato Plants, Apples, Castor Bean, Foxglove, and many fruits with seeds or pits.
Leo (July 23—August 22). Leos don’t hide what they are; they make sure they stand out as much as possible. These dramatic, show-stopping signs will have landscaping that’s as flashy and colorful as themselves. Bright blooms, fragrant flowers and leaves—the Leo’s garden will be as unforgettable as they are. While their yard might be scooping up design awards left and right (as well as full-spread features in magazines), there’s no reason why the Leo’s show-stopping plants can’t also be deviously heart-stopping as well! Most horrifying horticulture picks for Leo: Angel’s Trumpet, Oleander, Daffodils, Tulips, Larkspur, Monkshood, Columbine, Lupine, Poinsettia, Marigolds.
Virgo (August 23—September 22). The Virgo’s garden will be as seemingly modest as this sign appears. And because Virgos are also known for being practical and industrious, the plants in their yard will seem to reflect these qualities. But beware of the tempting array of berries displayed by the Virgo’s favorite plants…it just may be your last mouthful! Most horrifying horticulture picks for Virgo: Herb-paris, Mistletoe, Cherry Laurel, Buckthorn, Elderberry, Winter Cherry, European Holly, Skyflower, Rosary Pea, Doll’s Eye.
Libra (September 23—October 22). When you imagine a Libra’s garden, think of fairy habitats, magic, mysticism, and barely even resembling a garden. Wild, tangled, ethereal, and uncultivated—these are the horticultural qualities the Libra yearns to be surrounded by. But even the most fanciful and fairy-like landscapes can hide a darker side, so be wary when you cross the threshold into this Eden-like realm. Most horrifying horticulture picks for Libra: Old-Growth Oak Trees, Bleeding Hearts, Snowdrops, Corn Cockle, Wood Anemone, Queen Anne’s Lace, Baby’s Breath, Sweet Pea, Morning Glory, Wisteria, Violets, Love-in-a-Mist.
Scorpio (October 23—November 21). Bet you thought I’d go for the carnivorous plants for this sign, didn’t you? While those plants are devious, they still felt to be too obvious for the underhanded nature of this sign—horticulturally speaking, of course. So I settled on a plant with spreading and far-ranging tendrils for this sneaky sign, and one whose leaves are also considered to be poisonous. Imagine wandering into crafty Scorpio’s garden at night, and feeling the ever-so-soft touch as this charmed-by-Scorpio plant wound its way around your neck. Most horrifying horticulture picks for Scorpio: Any kind of Ivy, specially trained to do Scorpio’s bidding.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21). Like the Sagittarius would ever be homebound enough to plant a garden. These are the hunter/gatherers of the zodiac, and, as they are generally solo travelers, the only ones they would poison is themselves. But, hey, life’s meant to be an adventure, right, dear Archer? Most horrifying horticulture picks for Sagittarius: Plants they’d happen to brush up against while traipsing around in the wild: Poison Oak, Poison Sumac, Poison Ivy—with a dash of Wild Parsnip.
Capricorn (December 22—January 19). Perhaps like a Virgo, the Capricorn’s garden space is dictated by a purely practical approach to landscape aesthetics. But in the Capricorn’s yard, all the plants are “working” plants in that they serve a specific purpose, and it’s not for anything nefarious. Although the plants might be toxic, even just in the case for animals, it’s not likely they would cause illness or death in humans. At least, not within a “reasonable doubt”, if the Capricorn ever got hauled in front of a judge and jury for their garden when their plants “accidently” killed someone. Because if a Capricorn really wanted to poison someone, they would be successful, and they would probably get away with it, due to their ability to plan everything they do perfectly! Most horrifying horticulture picks for Capricorn: Onion, Leek, Garlic, Chive, Potato, Asparagus, Lemon, Mango, Cassava, Lima or Butter Bean, Kidney Bean, Rhubarb, Grape.
Aquarius (January 20—February 18). Like the Capricorn, Aquarius wouldn’t be interested in poisoning anyone, either. They turn to the plant inhabitants of their garden for enlightenment, and are willing to take the risks associated with the not-so-otherworldly side effects of these plant guides. Aquarians may feel that it’s a small price to pay for the ability to reach a higher consciousness and/or access other dimensions. But even this transcendent-minded sign may balk at some of the plants out there—they wouldn’t give up their freedom for a plant that may be illegal in many, if not all, places around the world. After all, for the unconventional Aquarius, being spiritually limited by the walls of a jail cell is a fate worse than death. Most horrifying horticulture picks for Aquarius: Nutmeg, Blue Lotus, Mimosa, Hawaiian Baby Woodrose, Salvia, Sun Opener, Agaric Mushrooms. And Banana Peels. (Ha, just seeing if you were paying attention. That last one’s a myth, by the way!)
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“Bringer of Nightmares and Storms.” Horror writer Willow Croft is usually lurking deep in the shadows of her writer cave, surrounded by formerly feral (but still fierce!) cats for company. Visit her here: http://willowcroft.blog, or check out her other services here: https://kirsten-lee-barger.mailchimpsites.com/.