March 2023 Horoscopes: The Fur Has Started to Fly!
I figured we’d celebrate the day of my favorite nonhuman animal, National Pig Day (March 1), with a set of horoscopes dedicated to the genre of Furry Fiction. Read on to find out what fictional Furry you’ll become!
Disclaimer: These are mock horoscopes and are meant for entertainment purposes only, and are not representative of any particular person or people. No insult to the intelligence and character of nonhuman animals is intended, either.
Pisces (February 19—March 20). Pisces’s furry fiction will take flight with the aid of an osprey, also known by one of their (many) pseudonyms as a fish hawk. When not surveying their territory from the tippy-top of a tree, they’ll be using their exceptional vision to spot elusive fish lurking beneath the water’s surface. Furry characters with these traits are not only in possession of a keen intellect, they are also very loyal to their friends and loved ones, and they mate for life. They aren’t limited to a fish diet, however; their expert hunting skills allow them to feed on a wide variety of other animals, marine and terrestrial alike. The Furry Grind: Ospreys may find themselves employed as detectives or even bounty hunters, although their sharp attention to detail may also lend itself to jobs like a personal shopper or purveyor of rare books and artifacts. They might even be spotted on the wing at a shady black market, so beware an osprey’s lethal set of talons!
Aries (March 20—April 19). Don’t be fooled by the deliberate plodding of Aries’ Furry counterpart. The moose can be unpredictable, and can react quickly if something gets their ire up. Running away from a moose enemy is probably a better option than hiding, as a moose’s sense of smell is as strong as their legs. Consider the swift kick as a painful lesson learned…if you’re still able to walk afterwards, that is. Overall, the moose tends to be solitary, and more focused on chomping down on the large amounts of greenery it needs to survive. The Furry Grind: The moose will probably be employed at fire lookout towers or lighthouses, but they may also grab the spotlight as Olympic long-distance swimmers. Just try not to micromanage your moose employee too much; otherwise they may challenge you to a contest of the antlers. And it’s a safe bet you’ll lose.
Taurus (April 20—May 20). Although they have been much maligned in popular culture, the skunk is actually not as trigger happy as they have been perceived. Do you want to give free hugs to every cute skunk you may encounter? Probably not. But the skunk usually gives plenty of warning before they let loose their stinky weapon. It’s not their fault that you can’t speak their language of chirrups, squeaks, and growls, after all. And their eyesight is poor enough that they might just mistake you for a tree or a bush—if it wasn’t for their A-Lister sense of smell. Female skunks also form close bonds with their children, and, sometimes, with other females as well, making these critters even more appealing to the domestic-natured Taurian Furry. The Furry Grind: Exterminators, what else? In addition to the large numbers of insects they consume, they are skilled hunters that keep mice and rat populations under control. Skunks also have excellent hearing, and they can hear insects a fair distance below the ground. With their digger’s paws, many skunks moonlight as excavators. And they probably know where all of the bodies are buried, too.
Gemini (May 21—June 20). Nothing’s more pleasing to a Gemini than an energetic and playful squirrel. Always darting about, chasing after other squirrels or the next best acorn, squirrels definitely embody the mutable nature of a Gemini. Squirrels spend as much time chatting each other up as they do gathering food for the winter. And their curiosity leads them to experience wonderful and exciting adventures that the other animals never will. In addition to their storytelling skills, the squirrel will find themselves raised to influencer status among the other Furries because of all the adventurous tales they’re willing to share. The Furry Grind: Although squirrels spend a large portion of their time laying in stores for the winter, they never forget that they are always in the spotlight. They’ll keep their bushy tails looking their best, and they’ll never fail to show off for the crowd with their amazing acrobatic displays. If, though, a squirrel finds themselves in a mundane 9-5 job, they’ll probably be a stocker in a store or in a warehouse. Just don’t expect them to actually find the goods they’ve shelved.
Cancer (June 21—July 22). Perhaps like the crusty Cancerian person, this sign’s Furry counterpart may be equally as misunderstood. Coyotes often get a bad rep, and, sadly, pay the price with their lives. While they can be opportunistic hunters, especially when they enter into urban environments, the coyote is an unusual and fascinating animal that displays both social and antisocial tendencies, almost simultaneously. They form pack groups, and often hunt in pairs to bring down prey. They can be very dedicated to their pack, and to the alpha female within the pack. Still, as befitting to Cancer, these coyotes are most melodramatic of the Furry zodiac. They have an extensive language of maudlin howls, yips, barks, and whines, and even their play with other members of their pack has an undercurrent of desperation to it. The Furry Grind: The coyote Furry will find their niche in fields such as event catering, or party- and wedding planning. Though the coyote will engage in all sorts of dramatic behavior as worthy of a reality show, the end result will be perfection. Just make sure you count the silver before the coyote packs up the catering van!
Leo (July 23—August 22). Because turkeys are the showstoppers of the animal kingdom, they are well suited to represent Leos in the fictional furry world. Turkeys love to show off, and you’ll know they like you when they follow you around, snapping out their beautifully hued tail feathers for you to admire. Like the equally flamboyant Leos, turkeys make no secret of their emotions, and they are just as expressive when it comes to their language. The skin around a turkey’s head can turn colors such as blue or red to match their mood. And, turkeys are not only distinctive in that they have excellent eyesight—far surpassing that of people and most other animals—their poop is even unusual! The male turkey’s poop is J-shaped, and the female’s is spiral shaped. The Furry Grind: Since turkeys not only have excellent vision, they can also see in color, they’ll seek out careers as artists, interior designers, sculptors, and, yes, even as actors of the stage and screen!
Virgo (August 23—September 22). Virgo’s Furry alter ego will be the shy and sensitive armadillo. Though they have a tough and protective exterior, these armadillos are not immune to the harsh realities of the world, even in stories that include a Furry utopia. If left to their own devices, armadillos simply go about their industrious business, digging for tasty treats, or burrows to keep them safe from the menaces of the world above. The armadillo’s solitary life will also appeal to the quiet Virgo, as will the creature’s tendency to run away rather than engage in a conflict. The Furry Grind: Is there a Virgo in the workplace? It may be hard to tell, with Virgo’s unassuming and modest nature. It won’t be until Virgo feels so unappreciated in their role as a project- or company manager that they quiet-quit. Soon, though, Virgo will have the equally quiet satisfaction of watching the business disintegrate into such chaos the company may have to declare bankruptcy. The same could be said for the Furry armadillo Virgo…without them there to chow down on grubs and insects like termites, the rest of the Furry civilization may just have to sit back and watch as their houses turn to dust before their very eyes.
Libra (September 23—October 22). Libras will find their Furry kindred spirit in the curious and friendly raccoon. However, the raccoon’s nosy all-up-in-your-business inquisitiveness may gain it a negative reputation as a troublemaker or a gossip. However innocent and childlike the raccoon is, they still struggle with finding their niche within the Furry society. Luckily for the raccoon, they are most at home with other raccoons, forming cooperative groups based on gender, and while their eyesight may not be the best, they have a shrewd sort of intelligence, and they can quickly adapt to changing circumstances in order to increase their chances of survival. Plus, they not only have a tendency to dip their food in water before eating it, they are adept swimmers and can stay in the water for extended periods, making the water-loving Libra even more of a fan of these fascinating mammals. The Furry Grind: As raccoons are described as having one of the most diverse diets among animals, the Furry Libra will be as drawn to careers in the culinary arts as readily as, well, as a raccoon is drawn to water!
Scorpio (October 23—November 21). Scorpio’s Furry fictional representation will be the rabbit. (Wait, what?) Yes, you read that correctly—the cute, fuzzy-wuzzy bunny is a Scorpio through and through. The bite of a rabbit can be not only painful but nasty as well, and their back legs can deliver a strong kick. Plus, the sneaky bunny employs all sorts of clever tactics to evade capture. For example, my adopted pet rabbit would outsmart my cat every time, no matter how the cat tried to adapt his behavior and strategy when they played together. The rabbit always won. The Furry Grind: The Furry Scorpio will invariably operate in fields that require a great deal of cunning and subterfuge. They’ll be spies, covert operatives, or even members of the Mafia, or other underground, yet equally powerful, organizations. And if you need an assassin—well, you didn’t hear it from me, but I heard that rabbit over there is the one to know. Just don’t get on their bad side…
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21). While zebras (or their stripes, rather) make them stand out, they could be said to have an almost mythological hold upon the imagination of people. In this way, zebras could be similarly representative of the Sagittarian mystique, as they are both unique in a way that’s not easily classifiable or defined by science, or even logic. Sagittarians of a certain stripe could be said to stick together in a herd, but as this sign hasn’t been spotted in their natural habitat, it’s hard to say for sure. Heck, the Sag probably doesn’t even know what their natural habitat is, but they’ll keep exploring until they find it. While they may secretly be envious of their Furry fiction zebra counterpart, they’ll hold onto it as a symbol of hope they’ll find their own herd someday…if they ever stop wandering and settle down. No word on whether the speed of a Sagittarian person can match that of a zebra, but both the Sagittarius zebra and their human doppelganger will have the same tendency to lash out when cornered or threatened. The Furry Grind: The zebra might have a variety of careers to choose from, when compared to their other members of the Furry zodiac. Whether it’s boxing, track and field, marathon running, or taking it on the road with a comedy act, the Furry zebra will always return home with a fancy medal or a prestigious award to show off to the rest of their herd.
Capricorn (December 22—January 19). Much like lobsters, Capricorns may appear to exist outside of the normal rules that govern physiology, development, and even aging. Capricorns pull off seemingly impossible feats; achieving astounding standards of perfection, incredible levels of time management, and amazing abilities to juggle the requirements of work, family, and their large assortment of pastimes and hobbies. Perhaps it’s the lobster’s hard shell that protects them from the deleterious effects that wear down others. Ever logical, even in Furry lobster form, the Capricorn may see their status as a popular food source as simply a matter of “survival of the fittest”, but you can bet your sand dollars that the Capricorn that’s fictionalized as a lobster Furry will be among the biggest and/or longest lived in their aquatic home. The Furry Grind: The Capricorn-turned-lobster-Furry will most likely find success no matter what career path it chooses, but it will definitely reap in the big bucks as a touring motivational speaker, a self-help guru, or even as a personal trainer to lobster A-Listers.
Aquarius (January 20—February 18). Aquarius’s Furry is a creature that’s had appearances in not only fiction, but in mythology and in pop culture, with their very own, and extremely popular, reality TV show. Although, from the perspective of a deep-thinking Aquarian soul, the mongoose may not be so much a figment of a Furry fiction imagination, but an actual nonhuman form they’ve assumed in an alternate dimension. And, given their time in the spotlight, and their hold on the public’s imagination, the Aquarius will gravitate towards the meerkat mongoose; however, they may overlay that fascination with a deeper spiritual or philosophical yearning that was born in a past existence, or a collective unconscious. The Furry Grind: Expect the mongoose Furry to appear in the guise of a guru, or even achieve the status of a divine, and all-powerful, force, in the stories penned by an Aquarian author.
In addition to my acquired knowledge about the animals listed here (either by book larnin’ or field observation), I relied on Wikipedia to help expand these horoscopes. Any factual errors, or erroneous conclusions, are my responsibility. If you want to know more about these amazing animals, check out the source links I included below.
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“Bringer of Nightmares and Storms.” Horror writer Willow Croft is usually lurking deep in the shadows of her writer cave, surrounded by formerly feral (but still fierce!) cats for company. Visit her here: http://willowcroft.blog, or check out her other services here: https://kirsten-lee-barger.mailchimpsites.com/.