January 2023 Horoscopes: Tempting Fate in the New Year!


I’d say “Happy New Year” but who needs optimism these days? Let’s kick off the terror-filled New Year with an astrological look on how each zodiac sign will meet the Reaper in 2023!

Disclaimer: As always, these are mock horoscopes and are meant for entertainment purposes only, and should absolutely not be taken seriously, and/or considered as predictive of anyone’s fateful demise.

Capricorn (December 22—January 19). Capricorn rarely makes any New Year’s resolutions. Instead, they have a well-planned-out to-do list. Or an entire notebook, separated into precisely labeled tabs, and perhaps even detailed subcategories within those tabbed sections. This hard-working sign, even though they may not admit it, is the envy of every other zodiac sign, especially as the signs watch their own New Year’s resolutions crumble into dust as the year wears on. However, Capricorn’s drive and ambition may be its downfall. Although they are always meticulous in their attention to detail, and complete each task with an almost impossible perfection, they may start feeling the pressure of keeping up with their 2023 goal list. They won’t cut any corners on the task at hand, but they may cut corners when it comes to their own safety. They’re so determined to “get it done” they may not turn off the breaker switch before installing light fixtures, or they may forget to put on their safety goggles when using power tools. Pay attention to the (superstitious) signs! Don’t walk under ladders, Capricorn! Better yet, stay away from ladders altogether. Because a severe thunderstorm is no time to decide to repair the roof, no matter if it’s the next item that has to be completed just so you can keep your task schedule on track.

Aquarius (January 20—February 18). As an air sign, Aquarius will embrace the wind in all its power. And nothing epitomizes this more than a fierce blizzard! They’ll bundle up (or not!) and race out the minute the visibility diminishes. The blowing wind will energize them, luring them further into the blizzard with its keening siren call. Aquarians will spend hours tramping around in the snow, trusting their own intuition to guide them home. Which, of course, is not likely to happen, no matter how much this idealistic water bearer wants to believe in the magic of Mother Nature. If, by some sort of miracle, they manage to return home, they’ll pay for their adventurous folly with some severely frostbitten fingers or toes. Pay attention to the (superstitious) signs! Hang that horseshoe over the door, impulsive Aquarius, and stay safe at home under its lucky protection. If you must, open the windows and invite the wind inside, rather than traipsing around in the blizzard of the century after its howlingly fickle attention.

Pisces (February 19—March 20). Pisces risks being so wrapped up in their dream of the wistfully poignant English garden that they may struggle with the demands of actually maintaining that garden. As Pisces tend to possess a spirit that is more gentle and sensitive than the other zodiac signs, they may expect Nature to come with its own set of intrinsic magic. Pisces may spend more time dreaming about what their garden looks like, than actually planting it. And, even if they do manage to grow the perfectly mystical garden, this fanciful sign may become despondent when, say, the flower faeries fail to make their presence known to them. Expect to find the Pisces pining away amongst the brambles and weeds, or even slumped against a tree, where they expired of their broken heart. Pay attention to the (superstitious) signs! While it’s said that four-leaf clovers are supposed to be lucky charms, perhaps it’s best to leave them undisturbed, to live out their natural life among all their other clover friends and family.

Aries (March 20—April 19). Even at a gathering of Aries’ nearest and dearest, they will still somehow manage to stir things up. Who knew charades could be so controversial, right? The host quickly decides to avoid traditional board games, or anything else that would give the Aries more opportunities to be competitive, like watching the seasonal sports event on TV! Aries is sent outside to play with the younger family members in hopes of they’ll burn off all that energy before the festive feast. Yet, even the rough-and-ready Aries is no match for a horde of pre-teen terrors. The family and friends of the Aries could at least be grateful that the broken neck made this zodiac’s demise a quick one. Pay attention to the (superstitious) signs! With the rambunctious Aries in attendance at holiday get-togethers, expect a lot of salt to be spilled (and wine, beer, cranberry sauce—you name it!), so make sure the Aries takes a deep breath and tosses salt over their shoulder before they jump back into the melee they’ve caused!

Taurus (April 20—May 20). It’s a point of pride for the family-orientated Taurus to find the perfect gift for their friends and loved ones. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a birthday or an annual tooth fairy visit, they’ll happily spend hours at the mall or shopping centers just waiting for the right item to reveal itself. There’s a good chance, though, that even the dedicated Bull won’t be able to find what they were looking for. They may shuffle off to the food court and assuage their distress with all the treasures the mall food court has to offer. Pizza slices with rivers of grease running off of them, warm pretzels, churros, hot dogs, and ice cream with a ton of toppings. The Taurus will be lucky if they just leave with indigestion, but they’re more likely to end up with a fateful case of food poisoning. Pay attention to the (superstitious) signs! Better get as many wishes in as you can, Taurus, before you kick the bucket! Bring lots of pennies to toss into the mall’s fountain, and maybe there’ll be good fortune for your friends, family, the person that makes your custom latte that you grab on the way to work…

Gemini (May 21—June 20). Geminis love to explore, and, like the old saying, “Curiosity killed the cat”, this free-spirited sign will probably meet a similar fate. What starts off as a stroll through a national forest ends up being a trek of no return. Geminis can’t resist the lure of knowing what is around every curve of the trail. The more tangled and brush-filled the forest is, the more exciting it becomes to the Gemini. Just imagine if they discover a purportedly secret ruin! Or will it be a mysterious cave, hidden by vines, that lures them off the beaten path? Count on never seeing the Gemini alive again, if so. Someday, though, a hiker may stumble across the Gemini’s skeleton. The Gemini would have loved to know that their disappearance became a local legend, although it’s also likely that their soul is still out there, wandering endlessly through the forest. Pay attention to the (superstitious) signs! Well, Gemini, at least there’s a lot of jinx-breaking wood for you to knock on when you become completely and irretrievably lost. Not that it did you any good, sadly.

Cancer (June 21—July 22). Cancer’s key characteristics are that they fervently believe in both love everlasting and undying passion. While they might have odd ways of showing it to their one and only (or one and only for now), a life without experiencing the full range of both those things is no life at all. Because of this, the Cancer will always refuse to settle for less than the best. It’s not a date unless it’s over the top, unusual, or wildly romantic. The Cancer may be so caught up in the romance of the evening, and they may find themselves be charmed by the exquisite manners of their date who’s bravely attempting to woo the discriminating Crab. Grace, style, attentiveness—everything was perfect about the evening, and even the guarded Cancer could be tempted to believe that this could be their “happily ever after” soul mate. Which it was, in a way, with the freak accident on the Ferris wheel that took not only Cancer’s life, but that of their date as well. Pay attention to the (superstitious) signs! The fortune cookie didn’t exactly lie, either, when it promised the Cancer that they would have the “evening to end all evenings”.

Leo (July 23—August 22). Cancer’s not the only one that may have a pleasant demise. Leo could find theirs amidst the happiest of celebrations—a wedding, perhaps, or, at the very least, a bridal shower, a bachelor/bachelorette party, even an A-list VIP after party. But life-of-the-party Leo won’t be holding court for long. Whether it’s the fire that breaks out at the venue, the fatal crash of the party bus, or the sinking of the lavish yacht, it seals the fate of all attendees. However, the Leo will be granted eternal life, in a way, as conspiracy theories will abound for years to come around the tragic event that claimed the lives of so many notable celebrities. Pay attention to the (superstitious) signs! Leo probably shouldn’t have tempted fate with the rash of thirteens that characterized the events—Friday the 13th, the venue on the 13th floor, the number of guests on the VIP/RSVP list totaling 13, or even the yacht registration number later revealed to include, yes, the number 13.

Virgo (August 23—September 22). While the Virgo may shun the spotlight, they’ll still like to be involved in careers that have something tangible to show for all their hard work. Virgos will always derive satisfaction from a polished end result. Virgos will especially love to serve a higher calling, and they could find an accepting home in the theatre. They may be too reserved to shine on stage, but their attention to detail and work ethic will make them the stars of the backstage. As Virgos are eminently practical, their untimely end may result in that they disregard what they view as the “silly” superstitions that take center stage in the thespian realm. Which was probably even more unwise as the Virgo committed this faux pas just before they traversed the catwalk or scaled the ladder to hang the lights for a show. A long fall, indeed, Virgo! Pay attention to the (superstitious) signs! You just had to mention the actual name of the “Scottish Play” within the walls of the theatre, didn’t you, Virgo?

 Libra (September 23—October 22). While Libras strive to maintain balance in their lives and their psyches, they have an irresistible fascination with storms and floods. They can’t resist the unchecked power carried by the endless waves of the ocean. Those people running around in the middle of a huge thunderstorm, or standing on a pier as a hurricane/storm surge makes landfall? Yep, they’re most likely a Libra! Libras have probably swum even before they were able to walk. If they’re not tempting fate by getting up close and personal with the storm version of the water element, they’re probably sailing around on a ship in the North Atlantic. Nothing makes a Libra happier than swinging from the ship’s rigging while the sea rages on below them. And, if they fall into the ocean’s maelstrom, Libra will be content, never fear. Their sea brethren have merely called them home, at long last. Pay attention to the (superstitious) signs! Have you hugged your albatross today?

 Scorpio (October 23—November 21). Where could Scorpios start fires—well, legally, that is? They’ll channel that destructive pyromaniac energy into a career where they’re a fireworks expert or perhaps even a demolition engineer. Their blazing light shows will be among the most sought-after for events ranging from Fourth of July celebrations in the United States, to stadium concerts, and many other notable venues. As a demolition expert, they will have no fear, or they could be a member of a bomb squad and they will rush in (carefully and slowly) where others will fear to tread. The strangest part of the Scorpios that are drawn to these livelihoods is that they seem to be invincible. They’ll survive the most unlikely of scenarios, even while everyone else around them meets a fiery death. However, after the Scorpion retires, they may just happen to be lighting the backyard BBQ, and—whoosh—this pyro-minded sign will go up in a cloud of flame. Pay attention to the (superstitious) signs! Scorpios will have their own set of superstitions—many of which will be uniquely tailored to the individual Scorpio. And, they may not even be superstitions in the traditional sense—merely an odd assortment of rituals they perform before certain events, or on certain days. Only eating jelly doughnuts on a Wednesday, for example. The mind of a Scorpio can be a fathomless place.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21). Since the Sagittarius may find it difficult to stay in one place, Death may have trouble keeping up with them. Those chances increase, however, as the Sagittarius slows down for the more laidback pace of summer travel. Or if they commit themselves to an ecotourism adventure. Sometimes this zodiac sign can be hyperfocused in their attention to something external, like an environmental cause, or something internal—soul development, for example—becoming engrossed in the spiritual or philosophical aspects of the activity. As a result, they may not be paying attention as they reach for the next handhold/foothold of the rock face they are climbing in order to monitor an endangered species of bird. But, rest assured, the plummeting fall could be just as wondrous to this celestial archer—at least, until they hit the ground, that is! Pay attention to the (superstitious) signs! Sagittarians will embrace whatever superstitious practices exist in the country, or state, they happen to be travelling through at the moment. Still, they may have a secret fondness for certain kinds of chain letters. They wouldn’t hesitate to break the chain, but they love the potential for synchronicity or serendipity that could be carried on the chain, especially if it hints at a chance meeting. Paper only, of course, as they feel that the magic is broken by the digital version of the chain letter.

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